Moving mom this week

Welcome. I went through a very similar situation. My mom lived with my brother who was absolutely clueless to her needs. The move was a disaster. My brother insisted mom should pack and bring what she wants. She brought cook books(there was no stove) cupcake wrappers, clothes that didn’t fit, I counted 10 cardigan sweaters. He also took her to the store to buy what ever she thought she would need. You would not believe the things she bought. He insisted we take her to her house so she could pick out decorations. All she could think about was how she needed to wash her curtains. I just ended it picking out a few things, but the walls were still pretty bare in Al. My brother insisted we wait til she asks for decorations, because it should be her decision. After several months with a bare room the staff and councilor suggested she needed more personal things in her room. At that point I insisted we bring in the appropriate things to make the rooms fell like home. I found it very difficult to get things she didn’t need out of her room. The good news is she eventually settled in and made friends. Unfortunately she is unable to private pay anymore and we had to move her to a nursing home. That went much the same as the the other move. I new going into the move it was going to be awful, so I was kind of mentally prepared for —— show. She packed everything with no idea what she would take and what would be stored. I had the back of my car loaded with boxes she said she needed. She had kitchen supplies, the cookbook… I refused to bring these things in to the nursing home and my brother and I got in a big fight. He said I had no right to root through her personal things🙄. If she says she needs the things they must be important to her. He even loaded up her tv, but when we toured the place they told us a tv was provided. I hope the move goes better than it did for me. But no matter how bad, getting her there will be a big accomplishment. You can work out all the details later. You are doing the right thing!

JulietteBee

Im glad you have not had to deal with a family member so completely out of touch with reality. I don’t know what the situation is for sconley826, but from experience I can tell you, convincing some people about care needs is easier said than done. Some people are just oblivious to the needs of others. My brother has his head buried deep in the sand and refuses to see or accept the situation. He let mom do whatever she wanted( while living with him) because he believed she had the right to make decisions for herself ( regardless of how dangerous). There was no convincing him otherwise, believe me I tried. He would literally set a can of soup on the counter and tell her he would see her tonight. He had no idea when she had showered last and was not concerned at all that she was showering while he was at work(she uses a cane and is a fall risk). I could go on and on. My brother also works full time. This left her home alone all day during the week, which made the situation even more unsafe. Honestly he wasn’t there much on the weekend either.

@JulietteBee

Some truths that don't apply to you as an only-
Family dynamics can have a huge impact on caregiving.
Dementia can blow apart siblings that once enjoyed close relationships.

In many respects, we "onlys" have it easy. Sure, we don't have a sibling(s) to share the load, commiserate with or even provide assurance we're doing the right thing but we don't have someone— who might have a very different outlook and/or agenda— interfering with our LO's safety and well-being.

You said:

No facility or professional will ever be able to match the love-infused care that her own son can provide…imo🌹

This is a bit of a slap in the face for any family member who has placed their loved one in care. For many, 24/7 hands-on care by a single individual is not sustainable. IME, dad's facility— staffed by experienced and well-trained professionals was able to deliver far superior care than my mom was. This was due in part to his willingness to accept their help vs resenting mom's "nagging".

The OP already tated that her brother is not giving their mom the level of care she needs or deserves. Nothing love-infused here.

I can't speak to the specifics of the OP's situation, but often the sibling living with mom ended up as caregiver by default as they never asserted their independence by moving out. Sometimes one sibling will prevent or delay placement as a means to preserve their lifestyle (living rent-free at mom's) or to preserve an inheritance. There's even a 2-year caregiver clause that allows an adult child who provided care to be exempted from Medicaid reimbursement (forced sale of the LO's home allowing them to inherit it) when a parent is placed and then dies.

HB