Anger Issues

welcome. This is the place for info and support. First, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Search for online videos about dementia caregiving. Tam Cummings & Teepa Snow have good ones. One thing I learned here was “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” repeat that to yourself over and over. Don’t argue or try to correct her. As you know it won’t work. Her brain is broken. They recommend you try redirection and distraction. If she has anxiety and agitation, speak to her doctor about anti anxiety medication to help her. When she is calmer with other people it’s called “showtiming” and they can do it for short periods of time. Come here often for support or to vent. We understand what you’re going through.

@Duggan1959

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Your mom's ability to behave somewhat "normally" with other family members is called showtiming. This is when a PWD can hold it together— albeit briefly— and seem a lot less impaired and unpleasant than their usual baseline. This can make it hard for caregivers to get consensus among family members and appropriate care from doctors.

Her anger may be rooted in anxiety and anosognosia (a condition where a PWD is unaware of their level of impairment and believes themselves to be as fine as ever). This kind of situation generally needs a 2-pronged approach. Rule one of Dementia Fight Club is never try to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. Do what is needed and if you can't do it as a work-around she won't notice, then use a non-judgmental reason (aka fiblet) to explain it away. An example would be: Instead of reminding her she can't drive because she has dementia, disappear the car and tell her it's in the shop awaiting a part for a safety recall.

If anxiety is a part of why she's so reactive to her primary caregivers, medication might be needed. Behavior is communication. Her upset is evidence that she's not OK with the feelings she's experiencing. With my dad, we had to dial back his anxiety in order to be able to use non-pharma interventions to address his mood and agitation. We saw a geripsych which can take some time to get lined up; her neurologist or PCP might be willing to prescribe something. I used to communicate needs via patient portal or email with dad's docs. I sat behind dad in sightline of the doc so I could silently nod or shake my head to confirm or deny what he was saying. Because he showtimed with his geripsych, I think the doctor got a sense I was just looking to sedate him. I sent a short video clip of dad having an aggressive meltdown which gave him a sense of what we saw at home.

Good luck—
HB