What to tell my wife about hiring help

brooklynborn123 · August 11

It seems that the time has come for me to hire a home health care worker/companion for my wife. I would estimate she has reached the middle part of stage 5 at this point.

I was thinking of having someone come over twice a week to start, for 4 hour visits. I know she will resist—how can I get her to agree—what will I tell her this person will do? I just want someone to keep her company, make sure she has lunch, showers, cuts her nails, etc. But if I tell her that, she will tell me she doesn’t need help for that (she does) or that I am treating her like an old woman (which she kind of is). Any ideas out there that have worked for others?

jfkoc · August 11

It is all in the approach and it usually does not go well if the help is for "help with/for you".

What worked here…me; "Dick, debby has a friend who has been laid off and is looking to pick up some hourS of employment. Do you think we can help?" DICK: " OF COURSE WE CAN".

She came for an interview and Dick loved her. She is still with our family 10 years later.

harshedbuzz · August 11

@brooklynborn123

Your wife likely has some anosognosia around her level of impairment and whether she showered/prepared lunch and assumes she's fine and that she showered.

It's best to introduce the aide companion as something else. The friend of a friend or a house cleaner. When we introduced an aide for dad, we said it was to help mom after her knee replacement. If you go with the friend scenario, offer coffee and cake and make it social at first while you stay. Same with the "cleaner".

It will probably take some time for your wife to acclimate to a carer and cooperate around something as intimate as a shower. FWIW, most agencies do not allow aides (or nurses for that matter) to cut nails. Perhaps the aide could take her for a mani/pedi as an activity.

HB

easy23 · August 11

Hey - I am also Brooklyn born! Bay RIdge for years, Brooklyn College.

When I hired a companion for my DH I made it all about we were doing the companion a favor. He had nowhere to go and was a friend of a friend that came to hang out. I didn't have him shower my husband though. That would have been a tough sell.

KathyF1 · August 11

I had the same problem. After trying 5 caregivers, I found a girl who includes cooking and cleaning in her caregiving. She comes in and immediately starts cleaning, laundry, cooks lunch for my husband, then makes dinner for us for when I get home. It seemed to him that she was here for other reasons, not to “babysit”. As time went on she became a friend to him and now they hang out on the porch together, etc. Just FYI I went on Care.com to find her. I found that private pay was the way to go. A little more expensive but so worth it!!

brooklynborn123 · August 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250317#Comment_250317

I grew up in East Flatbush. My brother went to Brooklyn College. I went to SUNY Binghamton. Thanks for the advice.

easy23 · August 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250348#Comment_250348

My DH grew up in East Flatbush.

What to tell my wife about hiring help

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