So over this...

JDancer · August 12

I hate my husband. I've been thinking this way for a long time and just felt like I needed to say it. I hate everything about him and this disease. I have no help, so the last 7 years have been very difficult. I have some in home help starting soon. Sorry to burden everyone with such a negative post.

JeriLynn66 · August 12

It isn’t a burden. Saying things out loud is cleansing and a relief. We hear you and we understand❤️

Carl46 · August 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73753/so-over-this

Just glad you're getting the help. It's too much for one person.

Chris20cm · August 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73753/so-over-this

It takes courage to say this, but I understand. I have said, about DW who was diagnosed 8 years ago, "We don't even like each other anymore." Together for six decades.

CampCarol · August 12

Good for you for venting your true feelings…you are absolutely not the only one who has felt, or will feel this way! I'm happy to hear help is coming for you. It may take a bit of time to get into that new routine, but once you are, take full advantage of it. Please keep us posted!

Mitsu2 · August 12

I can definitely relate. My husband was not a good partner before the dementia, had chronic mental health issues, didn't work much, and refused to see family members or socialize. Now I wonder what was wrong with me that I tolerated all of that, and ended up as his sole care giver. He refuses any help, and thinks that he's the director of a large non-profit organization. So that dilemma of being responsible for someone and having feelings of dislike and hate is so difficult. I hope having someone coming in to help will give you a break and let you do something to restore yourself.

cdgbdr · August 12

I've been there. You are not alone.

l7pla1w2 · August 12

Keep in mind that the person you hate is not the person you married, although the body is the same.

diannes · August 12

I think many of us feel this way. They cause us so much anxiety. We worry, tried to make good decisions for them.....and they rebel against us

BPS · August 12

I don't know that I hate my wife but I sure wish I had left her years ago and I had very good reason to, so I too wonder what is wrong with me that I put up with everything in the past. She is in MC and I go so her often but mostly out of feeling obligated and habit. This being married and excepting the responsibilities and obligations of that but none of the benefits of a caring partner takes all the joy out of life.

wose · August 12

Thank you for saying it out loud for me. I hear you loud and clear. Now I can say it too…”I cannot stand my husband… hate, despise… you name it …it’s front and center all day. But being the good catholic girl and riding the guilt train for 12 years of catholic schooling, I’m so over it too! So There!!! But I must add (haha)…..

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, And I will give you rest….Matthew 11:28.

I hoping for the rest real soon…….

PS….It’s not a negative post, if fact it may turn out be so very therapeutic for others.💜

CindyBum · August 12

Let it out! We definitely understand and do not judge.

trottingalong · August 12

I’m glad you wrote it here where you feel safe doing it and you received support.

Bridge4 · August 13

So many sad dementia caregiver stories out there where we have put up with difficult spouses for decades who exhibited behavioral defects or obvious mental health issues. These unhealthy partners would have been condemned by polite society if not for our co-dependency, cover-ups with friends and family, and unwillingness to walk away. I understand that there were many great relationships out there too, but not sure if the sense of loss of a great partner is worse than tolerating the indignities of caregiving for a difficult spouse. There is some research that suggests that perhaps these aberrant behaviors were either early signs of dementia, or that people with personality disorders and psychoses are more susceptible to developing dementia. Either way, it would be great to see more research in this area so that people who follow in our footsteps can understand the potential consequences of inaction in seeking early medical treatment or escaping a doomed relationship. I send my kudos and condolences to all of you out there who are doing your best to navigate a horribly difficult situation while also having to deal with resentment from years of mistreatment. You are truly good and kind human beings. Hoping for brighter days ahead for all of you.

Palmetto Peg · August 13

I hated my husband for a long time. He was so aggressive and had to had everything his way. It wasn't until I realized that he had dementia that I was able to understand the behavior that was so difficult. He is in a memory care facility now but I do go and see him everyday and give him his dinner as he has to be fed due to choking issues. I feel more sadness now than anger - sadness that we couldn't have had a better marriage when he was well, and pity for him in his current state. Your feelings may change, but right now I totally get what you are going through! It is okay to hate what has taken away your chance to enjoy your life. Try to get help, and then use that time to find things you like to do. Hugs from here - been there, done that! We all support you!

marier · August 13

Well said! Simple stated! Glad you said it in this safe space! I am glad you are getting help soon. I have at many times felt the way you have and at other times felt deep love and compassion for my DH. I am 10+ years into this disease and still rocking and rolling along trying to avoid burnout.

H1235 · August 13

I think dementia has an ugly way of bringing out the worst traits in a person with dementia. This makes us question is it the dementia or is it just them. Are they speaking how they really feel or is it just dementia. Mom has made bold, hurtful comments she would have never said before dementia. But still she has hinted at things in the past that make me think she is just now able to share how she really feels. All these undesirable things we deal with during the battle with dementia also bring up old hurts and sores that we have worked hard to forgive and put aside. Dementia is awful!

Cat K · August 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73753/so-over-this

Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. I feel the same way.

ronda b · August 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250421#Comment_250421

Yes it does

tonyac2 · August 14

@H1235

Sadly, I think my DH dementia has brought out the worst in me too. I never knew I was so short tempered. Never knew I could get so easily frustrated to the pulling my hair out point. Didn’t know I could hate my family for not giving a whit about what were going through. Never knew I had such a deep pit in my gut filled with sadness, stress, anger, exhaustion. I feel like I’m acting out the grief I have through the way I care for him. This disease has turned me into a person I hate. Not all of the time, but enough of the time. I want to do/be better.

WIGO23 · August 14

I voice my negative feelings (hatred sometimes) this way. I hate the “non DH” who resides in my DH but still love my DH. This assuages my guilt at feeling this way. When I can muster humor, I think of “non DH” as his evil twin, Skippy!

JDancer · August 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250526#Comment_250526

This is me, exactly. I, too, am on my own and have turned into someone unrecognizable.

Eloise0304 · August 15

I can relate. He has never been that nice even before. I never know what monster I will wake up to. I am too entangled with finances to just leave but want to go but he would trash the house when I go. He also gets lost. I have been looking at the train schedules for an escape…

PegHamilton · August 15

thanks so much all of this. I thought I was just a horrible person.

So over this...

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