Struggling


My DH gets belligerent when I tell him No. We have a rodent problem in our subdivision and I’ve had to hire an exterminator to place bait traps in our fenced yard as I’ve explained to my DH that he cannot let the dogs out. And there are kill traps set in our shed that must remain closed. I just came out of the bathroom and he shed is open and the dogs are free. WTF! I told my husband No and he of course blames me for the dogs being out. Needless to say u can’t reason with him. He has no mobility issues but is 8/30 on the cognitive scale. I want to keep him home but this is becoming 24/7 please help with any suggestions.
Comments
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This is so difficult. It's a sad reality that for many of us, 24/7 caregiving means 24/7 vigilance. If we aren't watching them constantly, we just don't know what they will do, lose or destroy. Maybe that's why they used to refer to dementia as "second childhood."
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Based upon my experience, I would not expect him to understand or comply with what is being asked of him. You need to have eyes on him constantly or expect this to happen again. For me it is a constant process of recognizing what longer works and making adjustments. It feels like I am always reacting to problems then figuring out how to prevent them.
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You have to go to the bathroom. He needs constant vigilance. It's hard. Some here have had success with locks installed up high on the door, as people with dementia often do not look up. Other solutions include keylocking the exterior doors, and there are some commercial solutions on the market.
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You can no longer expect him to remember what you told him. The short term memory loss makes it impossible. They will most likely get defensive if you get angry at them for not remembering or doing what you said.
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Learn all you can about the disease so you can help him. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos. His memory is gone. His reasoning ability is gone. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Be proactive and dementia proof your home. Put locks on the doors so he can’t go out. Lock the shed. Hide car keys. Put child locks on cabinets. Hide anything that triggers behavior you don’t want. He’s like a toddler. His safety is the most important thing. He could wander off. I would take my shower after my husband went to sleep. You mentioned in another post that your husband is Stage 6. Your husband needs 24/7 care. Can you get help?
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it’s sad and hard. I had pad locks put on front and rear gates 6’ fence all around our property then made up a set of keys with lookalike keys for him (old keys from friends or secondhand shop) I hid my set. I try to do everything with fun and love no matter what I am feeling inside, try not to be confrontational remember they can no longer reason or make sense of things. We have locked rat traps in hidden (from him) places your exterminator should be able to accommodate and locked traps in the shed to avoid any accident. Telling your DH not to open the shed won’t work, locking him out of his shed might promote anger so locked and hidden trap boxes seems like it could be a solution. Safety must come first for your DH and the dogs. Predict the worst and work with preventing that happening. Saying don’t or no will not work your DH cannot remember or make sense of the request so it’s wasted energy. Wishing you lots of luck. It’s so much up to us now.
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Are other people in the subdivision getting exterminator treatment? Is it possible (and still effective) to put bait traps on the outside of your fences? Maybe consult with the exterminator, explain your dilemma, and see whether they can work it out with you.
As others have pointed out, however, the problems with the traps are just another symptom, and you need to solve the larger problem, namely knowing where your DH is and keeping him out of trouble.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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