How to stop concerning behavior
How do you stop your LO from doing inappropriate things? Two examples…
When we walk in the neighborhood, DH sometimes wants to walk up people’s driveways so he can look at the water behind their house. I can’t think of anything to stop him other than saying that’s private property, then he gets angry at me and cusses me out.
DH walked across the street to a house with small children which has a large picture window - he just wanted to say hi, but he peered through the window before the mom came out to talk and he was telling the kids to come over to our house (I walked over when I saw him there). The dad apparently notified the sheriff and they came to my door today to ask what kind of mitigation was in place to prevent future incidents. I’m now hypersensitive to him leaving the house and I have a special lock I can use when I don’t have eyes on him.
I’m not very creative when it comes to saying the right thing to redirect or prevent him from doing certain things like this without making him angry. Any creative thinkers out there? 😉
Comments
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I know this does not address your specific question. My initial reaction is that it would be good if all your neighbors were aware of DH condition and informed of related behaviors so as to prevent further calls to law enforcement. I know that it is not always easy or feasible to have functional relationship with all your neighbors, but it will go a long way toward addressing concerns related to his behavior when he is outside. If you are not comfortable speaking with neighbors then perhaps a well written letter is a suitable alternative.
In my experience with this approach, it was some very difficult conversations. Some people disappointed me in their reaction while others really surprised me with their kindness and support.
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You are so right about this. The young family did know about his condition and the deputies that came to the house also knew, so I’m assuming they made the complaint knowing he has Alzheimer’s. Probably just being cautious. Most of the other neighbors know as well, good for having extra eyes out for him if he wanders.
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Sadly, there is no way to stop inappropriate behavior in dementia patients because you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. People with dementia need to have eyes on them at all times. I don’t think he should be walking in the neighborhood alone. He could wander off. Wandering can happen at any time. If you still want him to walk for exercise, perhaps an oval walking track or park loop where you both could walk to avoid the triggers for inappropriate behavior in your neighborhood. Many people do not understand dementia. Sad that your neighbors couldn’t come talk to you to try to understand it better.
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@annie51
A visit from the sheriff? Yikes. I am so sorry you're dealing with this.
So now you're both on local LE radar. I feel for both parties around this one. It's not like parents of young kids teaching them to be safe in the world can be normalizing your DH's behavior. But he's also not a pariah. Still, I'd be diligent about using alarmed doors and locks going forward. A different neighbor might have responded with a gun rather than a 911 call.
The best way to manage behaviors that are inappropriate and come with significant consequences is to not take him to the places they could happen. For a time, we couldn't take dad anywhere but the doctor's office because of confabulations that could have resulted in jailtime or local TV news coverage.
In your shoes, maybe an outing to a local park or downtown street for a walk. Maybe avoid playgrounds if he's focused on engaging children.
It might be useful to reach out individually to neighbors about his condition and to carry Alzheimer's cards to hand out when you're in public with him.
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For the past year or so, I've avoided any place where my partner can go up to strangers and try to engage them in conversation. That means no grocery store, no public places, and when we have had to go to a Dr appointment, I try to plan which entrance, which elevator, etc to minimize problems. It may be (fingers crossed) diminishing somewhat… not sure… but I have also discovered that Goodwill is a safe place because there is enough stuff to engage her and the people shopping at Goodwill are more tolerant of oddness :-) We have some public garden spaces in our city and they've been successful in the same way this year. I wonder if she's reaching a point where she is more interested in engaging with things than people.
I have also told as many neighbors as possible, preemptively, with the intro "I think it's helpful if people know what's going on just in case you see something that doesn't seem right, you can let me know." Then I share my contact info.
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My DW is prone to "inappropriate" behavior in public spaces, but it is so far been harmless and I am sure women who exhibit strange behavior are far less threatening to the public than men.
I have found Walmart to be a good store where I can take DW and people seem to be consistently accepting of her odd behavior, staff included.
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Thank you all for your responses. I am more vigilant now when he opens the front door rather than assuming he’ll stay in our driveway.
One positive thing I’ll point out is how many people we encounter that listen to his non-sensical talk and just pretend they know what he’s saying and respond to him - this makes him feel valued and makes me feel good too. This happens even if they don’t know about his condition. I definitely want to get some of the handout cards - I’ve been able to mostly tell people quietly but sometimes the cards would be helpful.
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The neighbor to the back of us had a dog toy in their fenced yard that one of my dogs was eye balling. I had to stop my husband from marching over to demand they move it (or take it for our dog). He was very angry at me for intervening. I so get you!
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New here. My spouse with dual dementias is showing out of ordinary behaviors this week. At a restaurant he spilled hot sauce on his arm and proceeded to lock it off. I said use your napkin and he said no don't want to waste it. In church today was picking his nose. I talked to him about these behaviors and he said not a big deal. This man served in advisory roles for the state and is acting like a 5 year old.
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Annie, so sorry your neighbors didn't just talk with you further about how to keep your husband and their children feeling safe in their own neighborhood. I will echo others and say our walks have been most successful using our local bike and walking paths. We still encounter others but DW doesn't engage the same way she will at the grocery store, for instance.
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welcome. So glad you found this group. You are replying to an older post. To get more replies, copy and paste your post into a new post with subject line. To create a new post use the plus sign at the bottom of the page. Some tips that will help: read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Teepa Snow or Tam Cummings. Unfortunately it is almost impossible to control the behaviors of someone with dementia. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. He doesn’t understand there is anything wrong with his behaviors. His memory is gone. So he won’t remember what you ask him to do or not do. Many have cards printed up to give to people explaining that he has dementia and thank them for their understanding. 💜
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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