Ugly Stepchildren Dilemma

Palmetto Peg · August 23

I know some of you have written regarding problems with stepchildren, and I am hoping for some advice. My DH is in memory care in early Stage 6, and neither of his children think he should be. His son is the worst and blames all of his dad's problems on improper medication. His daughter realizes that dad is ill, but thinks I should be caring for him at home. The stepson recently got engaged and this will be his second marriage. It is a destination wedding in Spain. All of the family - except me - have been invited! He even invited both of my boys - his step brothers! I have let all of the little snubs go by, but this just feels too big to let it go. I want to send him a letter letting him know how hurtful this is, and also to reiterate that I have never done anything that wasn't in his father's best interests. I know nothing will happen, but at what point should I stand up for myself? This kid has called doctors behind my back telling them that I want his dad in memory care so I can party and have fun, he has ignored me at family gatherings, and he has told many of our family that I am a terrible wife want his dad to die. My DH's daughter told me all about the wedding, knowing that I wasn't invited. She sees how hard it is to care for her dad, but won't let go of her wish to have her dad cared for at home by me. What would you do? Thanks in advance for any advice - this is keeping me up at night!

l7pla1w2 · August 23

It must be SOOO tempting to ask DH's kids why they didn't volunteer to take care of their father before you placed him in MC, since they know so much about what should have been done.

I doubt venting at the stepson will accomplish anything, but you need to let it out, so how about this. Write your letter but post it here!

PlentyQuiet · August 23

Oh Peg, all this after your struggles with your DH just seems so unfair. There is nothing stopping your stepson from taking his dad to his house and caring for him solo for a week. This is not a one person job and it seems like he needs to learn that first hand. Actually they both do if stepdaughter wants you to care for him solo at home.

Palmetto Peg · August 23

Thank you for the advice! I think I will write that letter - but post it here. Neither one of them is ever going to change their feelings towards me, but I can change my actions towards them! I certainly hope my stepson doesn't expect a cash wedding gift! I'm going to get working on that letter. Thanks so much!

Maru · August 23

I really like PlentyQuiet's advice. In the nicest possible way, ask the stepkids to "take Daddy home" for a couple of days visit. That should do it.

Nothing will be accomplished by confrontations, as tempting as that is. I suspect every one of u caretakers has had to swallow hurts and bitterness along this journey. I get it that it hurts. My daughter has a stepson that she raised since age 6-7 and he is much the same.

Maru · August 23

Palmetto Peg · August 23

I would love to send him home with them for a few days, but I know neither of them would ever agree to it. I have asked for them to just fill in for me for the occasional dinner, and they have been "too busy". I think with my stepson, he just needs someone to blame because his dad is ill, and that means that his life isn't perfect. He has never liked me and chose to believe that I was the homewrecker, even though his parents had separated long before I met his dad. Their mother liked to play the victim, too, even though she actually divorced my DH! The kids know that now, but spin the story that their parents would have gotten back together if not for me. It is a lose-lose situation, but this last slap at me has been so hurtful that I am having trouble shaking it off. My DH would be absolutely furious if he could understand what his son is doing, and that his daughter isn't standing up for what she also knows is right. I'll write my letter and not send it just to get my feelings down on paper. After my DH passes away, I am sure I will never see either one of them again. That is sad, too. Thanks for reading this and for your advice - it is always so helpful!

tonyac2 · August 23

You could say, well maybe I’ll be invited to your third wedding. JK. I deal with stepchildren as well who could give a whit about their dad. An occasional text, rare visit, nothing else. I no longer keep them up to date on what’s going on with him, if they cared they’d be more involved. This is probably one of the things that hurts the most, no compassion for dad. And I love how people who have absolutely no idea of the day to day goings on of caring for a PWD are experts on how you should be doing it. Hope that helps alleviate the guilt you should have for not doing anything to help. SMH

Metta · August 23

My DH was everything to his children. He stayed with their abusive, alcoholic mother until they went to college to protect them. When they moved out of the house, he divorced her. She died 20 years ago. He helped his son over opioid addiction. DH's son now has a great job, salary, home, spouse, a good, solid life. DH's daughter used to speak with her dad at least 5-6 times DAILY, and he sent money every month for the grandchildren's private schooling, clothes, and extra groceries. We even gave them the convertible to sell one day to help pay for school. She and her husband have great careers and no need for anything.

We have been together for 16 years, and they never accepted me, always very cold and hurtful. I never confronted them, which I think made them more angry. When they discovered that I was POA, health proxy, all joint bank accounts, and my name is on the deed to the house, they immediately ceased all contact, not just with me but with their father who is dying.

DH repeatedly called both the son and daughter for months after his VP shunt surgery in March to treat NPH (hydrocephalus). They refused to answer his calls or return messages. It has been heartbreaking. Although he is late Stage 6, he has lucid moments when he mentions them, misses them, and looks at their photos and cries. It breaks me. How can anyone be so cruel? I could understand it if he had not been such a great father, but he was their rock. Now they are letting him die a slow, painful, lonely death.

Their lack of support is one of the reasons I know I could never place my DH in MC. In fact, I think they want me to fail at home so they can accuse me of doing this to their dad. The son suggested I was giving him medication to cause DH's dementia. There are no words to describe the hurt I feel.

I truly love their father, and I am caring for him and trying to keep my career working from home full-time. Sleepless nights and the stress are unbearable.

Thank you for posting this painful reality so many of us have to face, on top of all the other pain we feel every day.

Hugs and love to you.

Agree to all who have said to write the letter and not mail it. Post here. You are not alone.

Chance Rider · August 23

oh Peg, I’m so sorry that your DH’s children are so mean and hateful. You’re already dealing with a horrible situation and they’re just adding to your stress.

I think writing but not mailing a letter is a good idea. It may be cathartic for you. Different situation but when my partner died unexpectedly (decades ago) I began journaling my thoughts and even day to day life. It was tremendously helpful, and I’ve just begun journaling about this ALZ journey.

My 50 year old stepson is very supportive but I don’t believe he knows what to expect as his father’s disease progresses. When we visit his son next month I’m going to print out and give him the checklist of what each stage will likely bring. Not to be mean, but to prepare him for what’s coming.

To everyone else, thank you for your openness and honesty in posting about what you’re dealing with. It helps me be more aware.

wose · August 23

I’m so sorry. My stepson’s are the same. The one is a drug addict whom I’ve spent thousands and thousands of money on, zero concern for Dad. The other one is kind of supportive but believes his medication is the problem and will only help if I beg. Two weeks ago, stepson took his Dad for 2 nights… first time. He brought him back to me all bruised up from a fall. His face, arm and knee are still all scraped up. He lost his wedding ring and college ring and stepson says to me “when do you sleep, he wakes me up all night”🤣 Welcome to my world. And this is the father that raised these two children all by himself , mother left when they were babies. How? Why? I can’t wrap my mind or heart around it. I am so so inclined to burn more bridges, but my better self stops me so far. I’m pretty sure at some point tho, I will need to speak my truth. Write you letter, we are here.💕💙

Chance Rider · August 23

Metta, what hurtful and downright mean stepchildren! I have a step daughter who hurt my husband terribly over 15 years ago. When he was in a car accident , broke his back in 3 places and lost the use of his right foot, his daughter couldn’t be bothered to drop him a card, call or visit. He sent her daughter birthday and Christmas presents for years, until she turned 18. Never a card or call to thank him. His daughter has hurt him so much, I will never forgive her.

Do what’s best for you. I’m glad you have a caring group of people here to share with. We may not be with you but you’re not alone.

Carl46 · August 23

Peg, I don't think I would give this little person the satisfaction of letting him know I was hurt. In fact, I think you have dodged a bullet, because you are not expected to waste thousands of dollars on a trip to Spain to see him marry. In your shoes, I would ignore his wedding. No gift, no "best wishes", nada.

If your stepson is old enough to marry, he is what he is. The world will just have to accept him as he is and not expect him to be any better.

ladyzetta · August 23

Dear Peg.

I understand what your going through, I also dealt with some of those issues. My advice to you, is let it go. Don't keep upsetting yourself, trying to change things, that won't change. Take care of you and your DH, and stand up for yourself by ignoring them. Don't let them get to you. Your DH,is right where he needs to be for the care he needs. Hugs Zetta

CindyBum · August 23

Good Lord, Peg and Metta. I don't know why, but I am still stunned at how truly evil and awful people can be. I want to go out and yell and shake these swine kids.

I thought I had it bad with some of my DW's massive family, who just disappeared once my DW was diagnosed. I will give you the advice my wonderful therapist offered to me when I wanted to send them scathing letters at how awful they are. Let's just say I am an expressive person who doesn't like eating other people's crap. Haha. Not always the best approach for actually getting things moving.

She first told me that I needed to accept what these people are capable of doing. Nothing I was going to say or do would ever change that. She suggested, instead, that I write update letters to them about my DW so they were simply aware. They were not accusatory, but just the simple truth. I did that for quite a while and sometimes had my therapist read them before I sent them. It gave me an outlet and I was always able to put things in like, "DW talks frequently about how much she misses all of you and the joy you bring her. She looks forward to a visit anytime from any of you at any time." That's really what my spouse wanted and what I wanted desperately for her. It was such a guilt trip, but they deserved a guilt trip.

These nasty folks always thanked me for the updates and it cracked open a little space for one of the sisters to become a super helpful respite person for me every 2 months or so. And, that sister has now gotten her children to visit us too and it guilted in a bunch of others to come visit as well (my DW is the oldest of 6 and has 14 neices and nephews). I don't promise the same from these nasty kids, but you definitely need an outlet for the rightful hurt feelings you have.

Palmetto Peg · August 23

Again, thank you all for your helpful comments. I wrote the letter, and am only posting it here. It is my vent, and then I want to move on. As some of you said, there will be no wedding gift or well wishes from me, now or ever. I am done with their toxic behavior. Here is my letter and I deleted his children's real names for their privacy:

Stepson,

Stepdaughter recently informed me about your upcoming wedding next summer, and my two sons mentioned they received invitations as well. I must admit, it deeply saddened me not to receive one myself.

I understand we’ve had disagreements throughout the years, especially concerning your father's care. Please know that every decision I’ve made regarding his treatment was guided solely by what I believed to be in his best interests. Dementia treatment is complex; as many of his doctors have said, finding effective medication is often a matter of trial and error. Sometimes, medication does not produce the desired results, and adjustments must be made.

Currently, your father is in the advanced stages of dementia. His sleepiness and lack of attention are signs of the disease’s progression. He struggles with swallowing and is unable to hold meaningful conversations. Numerous resources are available that can help you understand the trajectory of dementia, which may clarify his limitations and outlook.

Over the past nine years, I’ve made many sacrifices to adapt to your father’s illness. We left our home in Hilton Head when his paranoia led to threats against others, even before he began medication. We moved to Egg Harbor Township to be near his brother, but after a year, your father wished to leave because the relationship did not meet his hopes—again, before medication. After moving to the Evergreens, he began experiencing hallucinations about rats and fires in our apartment and wandered the halls at night in his underwear. I was left with only a few hours of sleep each night, trying to keep him safe. The situation escalated when he threatened another resident, and we were told we had to move. His aggression toward me increased, and I endured physical confrontations while ensuring he didn’t leave the apartment at night.

The only way I could keep our home was by agreeing to send him to the hospital for medication management. He started taking dementia-specific medications there. Upon his return, the our community required that he remain in Memory Care for safety reasons. Unfortunately, he never returned to our apartment. The first six months in Memory Care were especially challenging—staff frequently called me due to his aggression and resistance to care, so I often slept in a chair by his side to help keep him calm. Multiple medications were tried during this time; some caused him to be excessively drowsy, but adjustments led to a more stable period.

About two months ago, your father contracted a virus. For those with healthy immune systems, it’s minor, but for him, it has been devastating. He is now wheelchair-bound and struggles to swallow. To ensure his nutrition, I’ve hired companions to assist when I cannot be there, and I personally feed him dinner every night, spending at least four hours with him daily. When you visited for his birthday, you saw how much he had declined, and I could see how much it affected you. This deterioration is not a result of medication but the relentless progression of his disease. I witness this every day, and it breaks my heart.

Sadly, your father will not be able to attend your wedding, and, in truth, may not be with us when you and Ani are married. I had hoped to attend as his representative, to show you how deeply he loved you.

I regret that you feel I have failed your father. My love for him is unwavering, and I would never intentionally harm him. I did not respond when you contacted his doctors about his medications, nor did I challenge you during that initial staff meeting when you were adamant about his care. This time, though, I feel compelled to express how hurtful it is to be excluded from such an important family event. After knowing you for over thirty years, being left out of this celebration is something I cannot forget.

We must face the future without your father. I hope we can reach middle ground, allowing me to remain part of the family he cherished so much.

Peg

I will be interested to see what you think. I rewrote it a couple of times to get rid of the anger I feel, because I want it to represent the letter I would actually send if I was going to. Thanks and many hugs for your advice.

l7pla1w2 · August 23

I think it's a very nice letter, relatively even in tone, not too accusatory, sad but not angry.

And now, having said that, I think you need to write another letter, not as controlled, where you really let 'er rip. I think you need to release as much anger as you can and not be so nicely controlled.

We're here for you, you don't have to be nice, and we can take it! Fire away!

Vitruvius · August 23

Small typo “Upon his return, ~~the~~ our community…”

I often suspect that relatives, particularly blood relatives, may be prone to deny the PWD has dementia because acceptance means that they too may one day develop dementia. [Of course different types of dementia have greater and lesser genetic components.]

I am sorry that you have to be subjected to all this. Why can’t people be more supportive?

Palmetto Peg · August 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251423#Comment_251423

Thanks for the correction. It was a result of me trying to take out any identifying information. I think I may write the real letter and as the comment was made "let her rip!"

ronda b · August 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251417#Comment_251417

I'd send it. But that's just me.

BPS · August 24

I have come to the conclusion that kids are like pets in that if you give them something a couple of times they come to expect that they are intitled to what they want. I have done the same thing, helped my kids. Bought them things that they needed or thought they needed trying to help them get ahead, and when I need them for support most of them kind of disappear or are too busy (I spell busy LAZY). A week after we got married we got a dog. right after that for no reason my dad told me not to ask him for anything as long as I could afford to feed the dog. At the time I thought that was uncalled-for since I had asked him for anything. But after the lack of support I think that may be the right way to go.

Phoenix1966 · August 24

If it were me, I’d tell them both their father heard about the wedding is very sad he wasn’t invited and he wants to go to Spain with them. As you weren’t invited, they need to make all his arrangements and care while there.

I know that’s not possible, but it would certainly open their eyes as to what caring for him truly looks like.

JulietteBee · August 24

@RhondaB

I agree with you. I would send it. It was well written, expressive of feelings, and enlightening as to their father's true condition.

Well done, @Palmetto Peg!

Bridge4 · August 24

Peg, it’s a beautiful letter that captures your love and devotion for their father, the difficult realities of caring for an advanced dementia patient, and the pain their insensitivity has caused to someone who has taken on this burden so that his children don’t have to. I am sorry you have been hurt by your stepchildren’s behavior. Rather than reveal the sadness or anger at not being invited to the wedding (which they will see as making it about you), perhaps you could emphasize that our loved one’s memory lives on in the thoughts and memories of those who survive them. Your presence at a family celebration like this would be a great opportunity for the family to honor the memory of a fine man who was there for his children when they needed him.

harshedbuzz · August 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251451#Comment_251451

My thoughts exactly. Have you seen the price of gold lately?

An 18K gold men's college ring could be worth the price of a late model Honda. Just sayin'.

Palmetto Peg · August 24

I'm going to take a little more time to think this over. I know they will never agree to take him for even a full day, so the chances of them really understanding what is involved are zero. I look upon this entire thing as my stepson trying to hurt me as much as possible. Someone who dislikes me to this degree is never going to change. My stepdaughter was marginally better, but knowingly gushing about an event she knows I am not going to be invited to is no better than what her brother did. I may revise the letter and send it, but I may just change the will and let it go! 🤣

Metta · August 24

Not engaging is often the best revenge. They do not get the satisfaction of knowing our hurt.

Writing is empowering, letters or journals. I have been journaling daily to share our experience someday with the grandchildren when I give them their inheritance, hopefully before I die. My will is all theirs.

JDancer · August 24

I agree you should send this letter. Maybe rewtite the second to last paragraph- it's the only part that sounds angry- because it's at the end, the tone may stick with the recipient more than the graceful, informative tone in the rest of the letter.

I also agree you should write an angry, accusatory, venting version that you destroy.

BPS · August 24

A consoler once told me to write a letter the truly says how you feel. Feel free to say what ever you want expressing your feelings and then burn it. I tried it and it didn't really help me but it must help some people because it sounds like a common suggestion. When I did it it didn't help but it didn't hurt anything to try it. The only suggestion I have is if you do it focus on how YOU FEEL not on what happened. I think that when I did it I spent to much time rehashing the things that happened instead of how I really feel about them.

Quilting brings calm · August 25

Peg, it might help to just go ahead and write them off in your mind. They are in total denial and they aren’t going to get it. Hopefully you and your spouse got all your ducks in a row when it comes to the estate later. And remember, you probably wouldn’t have left him to go to this wedding even if you had been invited.

@Metta it always amazes me when people think someone other than spouse( healthy, honest, competent) is going to be the POA, on the joint accounts, the deed etc. You are married, of course most people expect both spouse’s names to be there. That’s how our marriage is.
I will admit though that I held Mom’s POA the last 5 years because I knew my step-Dad didn’t have a clue how to deal with stuff ( she always had). And mom put me on a checking account with her because he’d already moved money out of a joint account without her knowledge or consent. She wanted to know I would have access to money to take care of her. We had reason to worry that he wouldn’t.

Palmetto Peg · August 25

We are in good shape when it comes to DPOA and estate planning. However, I am considering changing our will to give my stepson's share to his son - DH's grandchild. I would leave stepson a small amount, but the bulk of his share could go to the grandson. I'm not going to do anything right now, but I am thinking about it. I am not going to send the letter, but I am also not going to put myself in the position of being around the stepson, either. I will be MIA at any gathering that he will be attending. You are right that I probably wouldn't have gone to the wedding anyway, but it is very possible that DH will have passed away by next summer, and I might have gone just to represent how much he loved his son. Thank you all for such good advice, and for letting me know that I am not the only one in this situation. And, we just keep going, don't we? Always there for our loved one, always putting ourselves last. What a terrible disease!!!!

Ugly Stepchildren Dilemma

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