How Do I Stop Being Angry?

Penn34 · August 23

My Asian mom's dementia suddenly surfaced in early March during a traumatizing incident that resulted in me getting kicked out of the house in the middle of the night.

Since then, my older sister (who is my mom's long-distance caregiver) has made plans to move me & my mom to VA to live with her in a new house that's currently being built as we speak. We have also gotten my mom an official diagnosis and been secretly giving her a brain calming tincture since late May. We will be getting POA redone during my sister's visit this Labor Day Weekend (the first time was messed up due to an incompentent person we trusted to help us) . We also plan to take my mom to her first therapy session and I'm currently awaiting a referral to the GUIDE dementia patient-caregiver program.

Despite all the steps we've taken and the time I've taken to emotionally recover (though this was delayed til June since I'm the primary caregiver), I still find myself angry at the fact that my mom has dementia. So much that if she brings up my deceased Dad and starts saying he's alive with another woman, I cut her off by saying, "Whatever."

I'm 34 and I've been my mom's caregiver for 12 years. I didn't know there were decent resources for caregivers until the sudden onset of my mom's dementia in March. 4 years ago, I reached out to the Caregiver Action Network for emotional support and was met with scorn for being 30 & living with my mom. It also doesn't help that I have a complicated relationship with my mom that I had to acknowledge, a mix of emotional abuse and a geniune love passed down through cooking and eating Asian & American food.

I guess I have a right to be angry, but I want to let go so that it stops impacting my mental health and my ability as a caregiver. I'm not sure if I can completely forgive her, but I don't want to end up hating her either.

I have a therapist, but her advice didn't help me. She told me to start living the life I wanted so I'd stop feeling resentful, but it's hard to do that when being a caregiver has weighed me down so much. The most I've done is start having a little social life outside the house, but I can't go out as often as I like.

SDianeL · August 23

so sorry about your emotional abuse. I read a book once that said if someone hurt you, to write them a letter telling them how you feel. When you’re finished, burn the letter and picture all your bad feeling going away with the letter. My Mom had an abusive father. When he passed she wrote a letter and put it in his casket and buried her feelings with him. She never spoke of it again. Although you have been abused in the past, your Mom with dementia is not the same person she was. The disease is talking, not her. There are many on this forum who were abused by their parent or spouse and are caring for them. It’s not easy. It helps if you can stop thinking of her as your Mom and try to think of her as a patient and you a nurse. Try to focus on the good memories. We can’t pick our parents but they made us who we are. Without your Mom you wouldn’t be you. 💜

Penn34 · August 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251351#Comment_251351

Your advice is interesting & I'll consider it. However, I am mostly angry at the fact that I've lost most of my young adulthood to being a caregiver and the fact that my older brother makes excuses not to help me out more with my mom (e.g. living further away, not working in our area as a construction worker). Maybe your letter advice could help me with my brother first, as he is unaware of my hurt and anger. Will try typing/writing out my feelings before finally talking with him.)

Quilting brings calm · August 24

Have you given any thought to listing your sister as the POA and you only as secondary? Then making your stay in the new house temporary while you decide how to retrieve your life and let your sister take over the primary caregiver time?

I have not re-read your prior posts so I don’t know if you are physically, emotionally or cognitively capable of living on your own - but if you are, I think that’s what your therapist is recommending. You’ve been her primary caregiver for years, you need to start earning money for your own future. Because it doesn’t sound like anyone is going to be there for you once your mom passes.

Penn34 · August 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251500#Comment_251500

No, I have not considered listing my sister as POA and myself as secondary. Also, I am low-income so I will have to stay with my sister until I can find steady income and save money to support myself. Not sure if I am emotionally capable of living on my own yet either since I have anxiety, social anxiety, depression, and middle-of-the-night insominia. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed most days.

Besides, the whole point of me & my mom moving to the new house in VA is so my sister can help me out with caregiving duties and so she is put at ease about my mom's well-being. I'd rather share caregiving duties with her than have her deal with it alone because we are close and I wouldn't want her to feel like she has to be "Superwoman" as my mom's primary caregiver, esp. since my sister sometimes neglects her own needs.

How Do I Stop Being Angry?

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