Ugly Stepchildren Dilemma

ladyzetta · August 25

Dear Peg. It's time you put yourself first. Don't let your stepson rob you of that. Once my DH, passed away, and I had given his sons the guns, I knew he wanted them to have, I have not heard from them since, and that was 8 years ago. Hugs Zetta

l7pla1w2 · August 25

@Palmetto Peg: I'm reminded of advice I got here in a different context. Imagine you send the letter. Work out the decision tree of what might happen next. One possibility is the stepson would apologize and extend an invitation. That's probably the least likely outcome, and I suspect none of the rest of the branches of the decision tree would yield a satisfying outcome. So there's no point in sending it.

Ooo, ooo, here's another thought. Send a letter that says something like, "I heard you're getting married. My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. Anyway, I regret that I won't be able to attend." Embellish as necessary.

H1235 · August 26

I have a difficult brother who often blames me and my moms best friend has said some awful things about how terrible I treat mom. Taking all her freedom away. Trying to reason with my brother has been beyond stressful. I ran across this at a time when I really needed it. Maybe it will help you.

Helen Mirren once said: Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective. Because if not, there's absolutely no point. Not every argument is worth your energy. Sometimes, no matter how clearly you express yourself, the other person isn’t listening to understand—they’re listening to react. They’re stuck in their own perspective, unwilling to consider another viewpoint, and engaging with them only drains you.There’s a difference between a healthy discussion and a pointless debate. A conversation with someone who is open-minded, who values growth and understanding, can be enlightening—even if you don’t agree. But trying to reason with someone who refuses to see beyond their own beliefs? That’s like talking to a wall. No matter how much logic or truth you present, they will twist, deflect, or dismiss your words, not because you’re wrong, but because they’re unwilling to see another side. Maturity isn’t about who wins an argument—it’s about knowing when an argument isn’t worth having. It’s realizing that your peace is more valuable than proving a point to someone who has already decided they won’t change their mind. Not every battle needs to be fought. Not every person deserves your explanation. Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is walk away—not because you have nothing to say, but because you recognize that some people aren’t ready to listen. And that’s not your burden to carry...✍️❤️

jfkoc · August 26

I had two "fair-weathered" step-daughters to deal with.

Please try to block them from your mind!

Denise1847 · August 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73862/ugly-stepchildren-dilemma

Dear Peg, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain on top of all the suffering that goes with being a caregiver and then placing you DH in memory care. You really find out who your friends and family really are when Alzheimer's happens. Some scatter like ants as if they might catch it or feel our pain. Others just ignore us. Peg, don't waste your time on the stepson or anyone else that isn't kind to you. People have no idea how difficult this disease is unless you have lived it. I noticed that none of the children have offered to help or take over. I placed my DH last year and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I went through months of feeling guilty, sad and depressed. I still have some of that. Peg, don't let the stepson's ignorance hurt you. You deserve a medal for what you have and continue to go through. Sometimes we have to cut our ties, especially if there is a ball and chain at the end.

Elizabeth607 · August 26

Personally, I am looking forward to the moment that they just fade away, which I am sure will happen when he is no longer here. I thought about it last night before fading off to sleep and it gave me peace.

Iris L. · August 26

We must face the future without your father. I hope we can reach middle ground, allowing me to remain part of the family he cherished so much.

Frankly, I would not want to remain part of a family that was hostile towards me. What would you have to say to each other? I would also worry about my physical safety around hostile people. You never know what people are thinking when an inheritance is involved and perceived to be lost.

Iris

BPS · August 27

I really believe that family is important but any relationship has to be a two way street. I think sometimes it is best to not pursue a relationship but try to make sure through your actions that they know you care about them then leave it to them. If they don't want a relationship then except their choice and put you energy to better uses. You have a more important relationship to focus on then them. I did change my will so our kids are getting very little and the bulk of anything we may have left goes to our grandkids. In our case I saw during covid that one of my sons and my son-in-law stayed home as long as they could getting the government money and I think that if they had a chance to do less they would again instead of trying to take something and build it up for the next generation.

Palmetto Peg · August 27

Your advice has been so helpful! I have decided to do nothing about this and just let it go. My stepson is a bully and will never listen to any opinion other than his own. Once their father has passed away, I will never see any of them again, and I am okay with that. It is sad how people can be so unwilling to help us during such a hard journey, but I know I am doing the right thing. I'm going to use this experience going forward and be the friend to others that I wish had been there for me. The support here has made such a difference for me, and I can never thank you enough!

Metta · August 28

Peg,
I could never thank you enough for starting this thread. You are not alone. You are loving and strong.

Ugly Stepchildren Dilemma

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