Out of Control

Ouch! You have been dealt a lousy hand. I'm so sorry you are going through all this for a second time.

You have turned here, to this discussion group, which you will find helpful, supportive, and understanding. Return here often.

The behaviors you describe are so familiar to me and to others here. You will have to learn strategies to deal with his behaviors so you don't trigger him and, at the same time, so you preserve your sanity. For example:

• Don't bother to argue with him. You can't reason with him, because his brain is broken.
• Try to anticipate problems and do things to avoid them. For example, maybe he should no longer have Internet access so he can not order anything from Amazon.
• Lock gates so he can't open them.
• Grow extra eyes to keep track of where he's putting things and learn to anticipate the places. When he says he can't find something, say, "Okay, let's see whether we can find it."
• Learn to live in his world. If he tells you something you know is false, try to go with it, rather than contradict or argue. You will become adept at "fiblets" that are inconsequential lies that will reduce his agitation.

Dementia is really a miserable, heart-sucking disease, and it's so hard to be supportive without destroying your own mental and physical health.

Good luck, and hang in there. We are here for you.

I am so sorry to hear about everything you're going through. It sounds incredibly difficult, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and out of control. It's important to remember that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel angry, sad, and frustrated. But if you need someone to talk to or relate things to, I'm here to help

Please feel free to reach out to me

Besides the support group there are other resources out there. Think about getting in touch with a therapist for yourself. Unfortunately you are dealing with aggressive abusive behavior despite his dementia diagnosis. Speak to your husband’s neurologist or PCP or geriatric physician or psychiatrist. You may want to consider an antipsychotic medication for him. Contact your local department of aging and speak with someone about resources for him and for yourself. There are counselors with adult protective services that may offer resources. Find out if there is a crisis team in your area and get their number. If your husband gets to aggressive a team of counselors can be dispatched to your home to diffuse the situation. Also talk to a counselor from Alzheimer’s Association helpline and they can help you with the situation. I myself have used these resources once or a few times for my husband’s situations. If your husband gets physically aggressive call the police. I have used the courts to apply for an emergency petition for placement who then was sent him to a geriatric psych unit. Take care of yourself.