Out of Control

robin.boyd · August 28

My first husband died of Alzheimer's at age 57 in 2011. I remarried in 2015 and now my 2nd husband has been diagnosed via brain scan with early Alzheimer's. I want so much to be a supportive partner, but I feel so angry and out of control. He does what he wants regardless of my feelings. He orders the wrong things from amazon, leaves gates open, says he told me things that he didn't tell me then accuses me of having memory problems. He moves things and can't find them and asks me where they are. We argue constantly. I feel like my life is in a downward spiral. I know it only gets worse from here. There is one support group for one hour once a month in my area. I plan to go, but I feel like I need so much more help than that. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like I can not live like this.

l7pla1w2 · August 28

Ouch! You have been dealt a lousy hand. I'm so sorry you are going through all this for a second time.

You have turned here, to this discussion group, which you will find helpful, supportive, and understanding. Return here often.

The behaviors you describe are so familiar to me and to others here. You will have to learn strategies to deal with his behaviors so you don't trigger him and, at the same time, so you preserve your sanity. For example:

Don't bother to argue with him. You can't reason with him, because his brain is broken.
Try to anticipate problems and do things to avoid them. For example, maybe he should no longer have Internet access so he can not order anything from Amazon.
Lock gates so he can't open them.
Grow extra eyes to keep track of where he's putting things and learn to anticipate the places. When he says he can't find something, say, "Okay, let's see whether we can find it."
Learn to live in his world. If he tells you something you know is false, try to go with it, rather than contradict or argue. You will become adept at "fiblets" that are inconsequential lies that will reduce his agitation.

Dementia is really a miserable, heart-sucking disease, and it's so hard to be supportive without destroying your own mental and physical health.

Good luck, and hang in there. We are here for you.

robin.boyd · August 28

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miltonmcdonald · August 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73929/out-of-control

I am so sorry to hear about everything you're going through. It sounds incredibly difficult, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and out of control. It's important to remember that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel angry, sad, and frustrated. But if you need someone to talk to or relate things to, I'm here to help

Please feel free to reach out to me

Chance Rider · August 28

I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this a second time, once is more than enough. I’m new to this group as my husband was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago. This is such a compassionate, knowledgeable, and supportive community, your post really resonated with me as it expressed much of what I’m dealing with and feeling. Take care and above all, be gentle with yourself.

RetaMeta55 · August 28

Besides the support group there are other resources out there. Think about getting in touch with a therapist for yourself. Unfortunately you are dealing with aggressive abusive behavior despite his dementia diagnosis. Speak to your husband’s neurologist or PCP or geriatric physician or psychiatrist. You may want to consider an antipsychotic medication for him. Contact your local department of aging and speak with someone about resources for him and for yourself. There are counselors with adult protective services that may offer resources. Find out if there is a crisis team in your area and get their number. If your husband gets to aggressive a team of counselors can be dispatched to your home to diffuse the situation. Also talk to a counselor from Alzheimer’s Association helpline and they can help you with the situation. I myself have used these resources once or a few times for my husband’s situations. If your husband gets physically aggressive call the police. I have used the courts to apply for an emergency petition for placement who then was sent him to a geriatric psych unit. Take care of yourself.

Michele P · August 30

I am so sorry that you have been dealt this hand. A few other pieces of advice:
Get a portable safe and lock an extra set of keys or any other important items in it. Put a TILE tag on it. Put TILE trackers on anything that is important such as your keys, wallet, purse. You can connect your spouse to your account to track any of your spouse’s items as well through the app. Lock up any jewelry that you don’t want misplaced. Find a support group. If you can’t attend the meetings in person, ask for a virtual option. We do both. Find a therapist now. You can’t do this alone. The people on this site are extremely knowledgeable and helpful. Check back when you need anything.

LearningCurve · August 30

Robin, I read your comment and it sounds as though I could have written it….had me scratching my head. And I think I totally relate to each word. Heaven help. I have no tips but will eagerly follow the comments,

SDianeL · August 30

Robin, so sorry about your husband and my heart goes out to you for having this happen to you and 2 people you love. I was so alone & lost before I found this group. The people here totally understand what you are going through and they helped me so much. All the behaviors you listed are very common with Dementia & Alzheimer's. Another couple of things: Get your legal affairs in order asap. DPOA, HIPPA, etc. See an Elder Care Attorney. Learn all you can about the disease and how to care for someone with dementia. It will help you help him. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which really helped me after my husband's diagnosis. Search online for Dementia Caregiving videos. Tam Cummings & Teepa Snow have some good ones. Call the Alzheimer's toll free number for resources in your area: 800.272.3900. Create a Plan B now in case you are unable to continue to care for him. The plan should include a memory care facility. We're here any time you have a question, need support or just to vent. Hugs. 💜

Out of Control

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