Forgetting her brother died

brooklynborn123 · September 2

Last week my wife told me she was worried about her brother because she had not heard from him in awhile. He died in 2019. I dreaded telling her and, of course, when I did, she was grief stricken and surprised. I comforted her as best I could and she forgot about it within 30 minutes or so. Then last night she again told me she was concerned about him. This time I dodged the question by just pretending I didn’t hear it.
Does anyone have suggestions about the best way to handle these kinds of questions? Thanks.

tonyac2 · September 2

I’ll never again tell my DH that deceased family members are deceased. In his world, they’re alive. I did it once with his mom and he cried his eyes out. Never again. This is where I use fiblets. Oh, Alice said she just dropped your mom off at her house, she’s fine, we’ll call her in a bit.” Then I redirect with food. I’ve gotten very creative with responses, seems second nature now. If he presses about calling, I’ll say something like she has a new number and I have to find it. Me living in his world brings him the most peace. That’s what works best for us.

harshedbuzz · September 2

@brooklynborn123

IMO, your instincts are spot-on. When a PWD forgets about the passing of a loved one, reminding them is like breaking the news for the first time.

Ignoring it can work, so can redirecting to another topic. A lot of folks have success with a therapeutic lie, aka fiblet, about the deceased LO being away or doing something routine for them. "Your brother is probably at the cabin fishing", or mom's on a cruise with her sister".

My own dad was hazy on my sister; he could recall her being terminally ill but wasn't sure if she'd died and would seek confirmation with "she's dead, isn't she?" My work around for that was to segue into a cute or funny story about her from childhood which he enjoyed. As his memory worsened, I was able to use fiblets more easily— "she's super busy since they promoted her at work, I'm sure she and the kids will visit soon".

HB

White Crane · September 2

My DH asks about his mom and dad practically every time I visit him. I tell him they are fine and will visit him as soon as they get back from vacation. Telling him they are dead only causes pain.

Metta · September 2

At his PCP appointment in July, DH informed our doctor that his sister was deceased, but he could not remember where she was buried. He was quite convincing.

DH’s sister is very much alive. We FaceTime with her every week. Sigh…

Chance Rider · September 2

The first time my Pop asked about my step mom - who had died a few months before- I told him she had passed. He was inconsolable. After that I told him that mom was coming the next day which comforted him. Of course he always forgot so it was an oft repeated fib to avoid causing him grief.

Chammer · September 2

MILwAD (now deceased) when she was in late stage 6 and doing lots of unintelligible speech ask me very clearly one evening, "I haven't seen M in a long time. Do you know where he is?" M was her youngest son who had passed away 12 yrs earlier. I said " you know, I haven't seen M in a long time either (truth). I'm not sure where he is (semi-truth)." She looked thoughtful for a bit and then went back to watching TV. She had not asked about him before and didn't ask me about him again.