Stage 6, fading, thoughts on visits?

Anonymousjpl123 · September 1

My mom’s declined since a very serious fall a month ago. Her care team called me last week to confirm end of life care (DNR etc.). She’s very much still in stage 6 - walks with walker, talks (although mostly random words, and a lot fewer), she still knows who I am but I can tell her recognition is fading. She’s lost a lot of weight. Most residents don’t understand her. she’s gone from being mid-functioning resident to lower functioning - thankfully she’s been with the same group of residents for a year, so people know her and she them.

When I visit (3 x week) we spend about 15-20 minutes together and she gets distracted, wanders away. Sometimes she tells me to stay in a chair - in the common area or her room - and leaves. Sometimes I can get her outside for a walk, which is nice. Yesterday I walked in to find two baby dolls in her bed and asked whose babies they were and she joyfully told me they were hers.

How do I manage these visits? I’m literally thinking about bringing my laptop and preparing to work since she doesn’t want me out with her a lot. I guess so she’ll at least know I’m there. It’s so messed up. I’m gonna sound like a horrible person but I get why people stop visiting. She wants me there and she doesn’t. It’s so hard.

ESkayP · September 1

I've been wondering about visits with my mother too. She is also what I would consider Stage 6 as well. Our visits have been progressively getting shorter. She either falls asleep or wanders off. I usually keep talking even if she's drowsy, and I tidy things up if she leaves the room. She has a habit now of taking all the blankets off her bed and stuffing the couch pillows in the closet. I put everything back even if it's just to give her something to putter with later on. When I visited today, Mom didn't know who I was. She was pleasant enough but disengaged. I stayed for a while and looked for her glasses which she has misplaced. I packed away a few things that she isn't using anymore like music CDs and books. I just don't know what else to do when I visit now. It's easy to talk myself out of going.

Anonymousjpl123 · September 2

@ESkayP i took the laptop and it worked great. I can’t say I got more than 30 minutes of work done, but it did help take the pressure off!

My mom was happy I was there, but somehow could go about her business (wandering and trying to get into other residents’ rooms) without feeling self conscious and mildly aware I was there.

Instead, she would stop by the table I was at and sit with me for a while. It was really nice. Then I closed up shop and we hung out a bit before bed.

I think it was me who was more comfortable, but that’s half the battle.

harshedbuzz · September 2

@Anonymousjpl123

I found my dad didn't have the stamina to focus on a visit for very long in the later stages. I don't think I was ever in the facility for more than an hour and often part of that time was spent communicating with his main aides or the DON.

One thing that helped was bringing him some sort of snacky treat. A soft pretzel, coffee and a donut, ice cream, etc.

HB

Quilting brings calm · September 2

I kept my visits short the last year. Like HB, part of the time was spent checking in with the staff. Once mom went on hospice, there was time spent checking in with them. Before she went on hospice, I went once a week. After, it gradually increased to almost every day - but the time got shorter than before.

April23 · September 2

Wow, yet another thread that is so helpful! This has been my dad lately. Sometimes he just closes his eyes while I'm talking as if I'm just too much. He often just looks like he's somewhere else, thinking of something but I don't know what. Like the PP, I often bring him out of his room and back with his caregivers and he seems to prefer that. I have started to shorten my visits now. It's so comforting to know that this is normal and that I'm not the only one experiencing it!

Stage 6, fading, thoughts on visits?

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories