Frustrated

Maru · September 3

Just need to put this out there… I got mad yesterday at DH who has AL. I didn't say anything but he knew (stomping out of the room is pretty obvious), but I bit my tongue until I was out of hearing range. The "why" is irrelevent. It could have been anything. The point is that I cannot reason with him because his thinker and his memory are both broken. So, pointing out what has worked for him before doesn't do any good now.

The thing is, is that I wasn't really mad, I was just super frustrated and there really is no solution to the problem as it related to tempetature and how he feels it. His internal thermostat is affected by AL.

So, I was frustrated and upset that I got so upset and what do you do with those feelings? I am usually pretty good at just swollowing it. I know that many of you, if not all, have or will have gone through this same process.

BPS · September 3

On a good day when I was at my limit I would tell her that I had to go do something in another room even if we were in the middle of something and get away for 15 minutes to try and deal with my feelings. On other days I would try and reason with her even though I knew it was useless, it was just old habit of trying to talk things out and it only made things worse for both of us. There were more bad days then there should have been.

Timmyd · September 3

When I could leave DW alone for a while, I would go for a walk and "phone a friend". That was a good way for me to work through my feelings without directing anything toward DW. I could come back after about 15 minutes and work to calm things back down.

Now that DW cannot be left alone, I sometimes articulate in clear language exactly why I am upset. I tend to feel a little better having spoken my truth, even though I know it is not helpful to DW.

The worst for me is when I get upset to the point that I feel indifferent to her meltdown. Fortunately that does not last very long. Watching DW cry and not feeling bad about it is a crappy place to be. I hate this disease so much…..

Chris20cm · September 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73999/frustrated

I am with you on this. One reason our marriage has lasted over 60 years is we have been able to reason things out and resolve conflicts, compromise, get counseling occasionally, do self directed couples communication exercises, go to marriage encounter weekends, etc.

None of those things work anymore. I get exasperated when no solutions are possible. I have been almost to the point of bailing out, but my heart won't buy it.

I am upbeat in the morning, when DW is sleeping due to the Quetiapine and I have some peaceful time for meditation, prayer, communicating with online friends and acquaintances, making my gratitude list, and various self improvement efforts. At the end of the day, I am not so patient. And I am tired of feeling guilty about that.

Goodlife2025 · September 4

Boy has this been the post for me today. Just returned from stepping "away" for a few minutes. So frustrated - a million little reasons why - really don't like who i see myself being some days. I am with Timmyd today. I too hate this disease so very much…

WIGO23 · September 4

It is uncanny for me to read that others are dealing with the same problems I am as well as having the same emotional reaction.

While “if you’ve seen one person with dementia, you’ve seen one person with dementia” is likely true in some aspects—there certainly are similarities in behavior!

tonyac2 · September 4

I lost it tonight over something. I leave the room and usually slam doors, dishes, cupboard doors, windows. I too get upset/disappointed with myself that I blew it. My goal is to help him live his best life possible. I am furious with this disease. Hate it. Hate what it has done to our lives, our marriage. Our golden years, me, him. I’m not as happy as I once was, shorter fuse with others. I despise the fact that this hideous disease is parading around in my husbands body. I silently scream, I want my husband back!

SDianeL · September 4

I repeated the phrase “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” countless times. When I felt myself getting frustrated, I would step away and say that phrase until I calmed myself. My very wise Mom used to say if you get upset say “pins & needles, needles & pins” and count to 10. Same concept. It worked for me most of the time. We’re not perfect. We’re human. Give yourself grace. You’re doing a good job. 💜

Maru · September 4

Sorry that others share this same kind of thing. It is hard to try so hard to be a loving, kind spouse/partner/caretaker and then some little dumb thing happens and in one brief moment you "lose it" and feel like crap about yourself.

I like the reminders to step away for a minute. I usually take a mental time out and say a couple of memorized prayers…but, then, that one time and snap.

As an old NES video game used to say "be courageous."

l7pla1w2 · 1:23AM

Take comfort that your LO probably won't remember the blow-up after a few minutes. Sadly, you will probably beat yourself up about it far longer.

Frustrated

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