So over this...
I hate my husband. I've been thinking this way for a long time and just felt like I needed to say it. I hate everything about him and this disease. I have no help, so the last 7 years have been very difficult. I have some in home help starting soon. Sorry to burden everyone with such a negative post.
Comments
-
It isn’t a burden. Saying things out loud is cleansing and a relief. We hear you and we understand❤️
7 -
Just glad you're getting the help. It's too much for one person.
2 -
It takes courage to say this, but I understand. I have said, about DW who was diagnosed 8 years ago, "We don't even like each other anymore." Together for six decades.
6 -
Good for you for venting your true feelings…you are absolutely not the only one who has felt, or will feel this way! I'm happy to hear help is coming for you. It may take a bit of time to get into that new routine, but once you are, take full advantage of it. Please keep us posted!
3 -
I can definitely relate. My husband was not a good partner before the dementia, had chronic mental health issues, didn't work much, and refused to see family members or socialize. Now I wonder what was wrong with me that I tolerated all of that, and ended up as his sole care giver. He refuses any help, and thinks that he's the director of a large non-profit organization. So that dilemma of being responsible for someone and having feelings of dislike and hate is so difficult. I hope having someone coming in to help will give you a break and let you do something to restore yourself.
3 -
I've been there. You are not alone.
4 -
Keep in mind that the person you hate is not the person you married, although the body is the same.
7 -
I think many of us feel this way. They cause us so much anxiety. We worry, tried to make good decisions for them.....and they rebel against us
4 -
I don't know that I hate my wife but I sure wish I had left her years ago and I had very good reason to, so I too wonder what is wrong with me that I put up with everything in the past. She is in MC and I go so her often but mostly out of feeling obligated and habit. This being married and excepting the responsibilities and obligations of that but none of the benefits of a caring partner takes all the joy out of life.
12 -
Thank you for saying it out loud for me. I hear you loud and clear. Now I can say it too…”I cannot stand my husband… hate, despise… you name it …it’s front and center all day. But being the good catholic girl and riding the guilt train for 12 years of catholic schooling, I’m so over it too! So There!!! But I must add (haha)…..
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, And I will give you rest….Matthew 11:28.
I hoping for the rest real soon…….
PS….It’s not a negative post, if fact it may turn out be so very therapeutic for others.💜
9 -
Let it out! We definitely understand and do not judge.
2 -
I’m glad you wrote it here where you feel safe doing it and you received support.
1 -
So many sad dementia caregiver stories out there where we have put up with difficult spouses for decades who exhibited behavioral defects or obvious mental health issues. These unhealthy partners would have been condemned by polite society if not for our co-dependency, cover-ups with friends and family, and unwillingness to walk away. I understand that there were many great relationships out there too, but not sure if the sense of loss of a great partner is worse than tolerating the indignities of caregiving for a difficult spouse. There is some research that suggests that perhaps these aberrant behaviors were either early signs of dementia, or that people with personality disorders and psychoses are more susceptible to developing dementia. Either way, it would be great to see more research in this area so that people who follow in our footsteps can understand the potential consequences of inaction in seeking early medical treatment or escaping a doomed relationship. I send my kudos and condolences to all of you out there who are doing your best to navigate a horribly difficult situation while also having to deal with resentment from years of mistreatment. You are truly good and kind human beings. Hoping for brighter days ahead for all of you.
8 -
I hated my husband for a long time. He was so aggressive and had to had everything his way. It wasn't until I realized that he had dementia that I was able to understand the behavior that was so difficult. He is in a memory care facility now but I do go and see him everyday and give him his dinner as he has to be fed due to choking issues. I feel more sadness now than anger - sadness that we couldn't have had a better marriage when he was well, and pity for him in his current state. Your feelings may change, but right now I totally get what you are going through! It is okay to hate what has taken away your chance to enjoy your life. Try to get help, and then use that time to find things you like to do. Hugs from here - been there, done that! We all support you!
7 -
Well said! Simple stated! Glad you said it in this safe space! I am glad you are getting help soon. I have at many times felt the way you have and at other times felt deep love and compassion for my DH. I am 10+ years into this disease and still rocking and rolling along trying to avoid burnout.
3 -
I think dementia has an ugly way of bringing out the worst traits in a person with dementia. This makes us question is it the dementia or is it just them. Are they speaking how they really feel or is it just dementia. Mom has made bold, hurtful comments she would have never said before dementia. But still she has hinted at things in the past that make me think she is just now able to share how she really feels. All these undesirable things we deal with during the battle with dementia also bring up old hurts and sores that we have worked hard to forgive and put aside. Dementia is awful!
3 -
Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. I feel the same way.
1 -
Yes it does
0 -
Sadly, I think my DH dementia has brought out the worst in me too. I never knew I was so short tempered. Never knew I could get so easily frustrated to the pulling my hair out point. Didn’t know I could hate my family for not giving a whit about what were going through. Never knew I had such a deep pit in my gut filled with sadness, stress, anger, exhaustion. I feel like I’m acting out the grief I have through the way I care for him. This disease has turned me into a person I hate. Not all of the time, but enough of the time. I want to do/be better.
11 -
I voice my negative feelings (hatred sometimes) this way. I hate the “non DH” who resides in my DH but still love my DH. This assuages my guilt at feeling this way. When I can muster humor, I think of “non DH” as his evil twin, Skippy!
7 -
This is me, exactly. I, too, am on my own and have turned into someone unrecognizable.
4 -
I can relate. He has never been that nice even before. I never know what monster I will wake up to. I am too entangled with finances to just leave but want to go but he would trash the house when I go. He also gets lost. I have been looking at the train schedules for an escape…
1 -
thanks so much all of this. I thought I was just a horrible person.
1 -
So much easier said than done. I am new to having a spouse with dementia and reading all of the comments from those of you with years of background is frightening.
2 -
This is my first post here and I feel in very good company. Definitely relate to the difficult feelings, the heartbreak and loneliness. God bless all of you, and please find a way to treat yourself with kindness. Give yourself a special gift. I'm 2 1/2 years in with my 70 year old DH - he's progressing rapidly and we are very much alone. But recently have new support through OPICA adult day care and a very gifted intern there. Keep going and don't give up!!
4 -
I can relate to this. I get so frustrated with the constant repeating everything and looking for his lost things that I get short tempered with him. Then I feel bad about it because he was always a wonderful husband and I know none of this is his fault. It’s so hard not to start crying but when I do start crying he doesn’t even notice.
8 -
I am feeling the same way about my DH, right now we are going through a confusion stage, next week it could be aggression again last time he choked me. I’m hoping for the calm week. I’m with him 24/7. I get a break for about 1-hour weekly which is not nearly enough.5
-
You nailed it! Each morning I say :Today I choose joy" and by mid afternoon I've lost my cool. I have a 4 year old DH living in a 72 year olds body. I no longer have the patience to care for a toddler. And I feel so bad when I raise my voice at him. But I end up going to bed at night saying I'll try harder tomorrow.
5 -
Oh yes. I agree completely and this is early in, but he's so nasty1
-
I totally understand. I get yelled at and sworn at and everything is a struggle as I provide care 24 X 7 for my DH who has mixed dementia. The days are long and hard. I would love to take a nap someday or go someplace . . . . none of us chose to live this way.
4
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more
Categories
- All Categories
- 557 Living With Alzheimer's or Dementia
- 291 I Am Living With Alzheimer's or Other Dementia
- 266 I Am Living With Younger Onset Alzheimer's
- 16.3K Supporting Someone Living with Dementia
- 5.5K I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
- 7.9K Caring For a Spouse or Partner
- 2.5K Caring for a Parent
- 213 Caring Long Distance
- 129 Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone
- 16 Discusiones en Español
- 5 Vivir con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 4 Vivo con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer de Inicio Más Joven
- 11 Prestación de Cuidado
- 2 Soy Cuidador (Temas Generales)
- 8 Cuidar de un Padre
- 24 ALZConnected Resources
- View Discussions For People Living with Dementia
- View Discussions for Caregivers
- Discusiones en Español
- Browse All Discussions
- Dementia Resources
- 8 Account Assistance
- 16 Help