Not Agitation or Aggression, But...

CindyBum · September 6

Hi all. Hope folks are having a good as you can get weekend.

I feel like, in many ways, I'm one of the luckier ones. My wife has largely been compliant. She gave up driving easily. She doesn't really have it in her to be super aggressive. She has pretty much lost her speech, though, but still has a huge desire to talk.

In particular, she wants to let me know how disappointed she is in me…many times a day. I can tell because even though she can't really get all of the words out, her tones are clearly those of concern, a little anger and disappointment. And, she often gets out things like, "I'm concerned…" or "It bothers me that.." I spend so much time trying hard to try to figure out what it is she thinks I've done wrong. I can tell you that this is not a pleasant experience for me. Lol. I am ok with admitting I think I'm a very kind, gentle caregiver with only rare moments of frustration, so it makes me sad to think I'm not doing something right. Plus, I'm really sick of trying to pull these out of her, because so often, it's something we already "discussed" or it's something that never happened. And, even though I'm a step removed from the hurt I could feel from these things, it still is wearing on my little ole spirit and it hurts my heart seeing her consistent distress.

I'm not sure if this is a stage that will continue, but I really don't know if I'm the right person for her 24/7 anymore. Could she potentially be happier in a facility where I'm not the nurse, caregiver, and for lack of a better way to describe it, the boss of her anymore? It seems a bit lame of me, with the kinds of aggression and wandering and other things you all are dealing with. I just really want to do right by her and have always thought that would be here, literally in her dream home. Maybe that's me thinking of the her that used to be instead of where she is now. I don't frickin' know at this point.

This damn disease.

Gator1976 · September 6

All good questions. Fortunately we aren’t there yet. Follow your heart and please let us know what you do.

Jazzma · September 6

My heart goes out to you. There's no right answer. You are the only one who can make the decision. Whatever you decide, send 'guilt' packing whenever it crops up, as it will. This is an impossible situation. Wishing you the best, with hugs.

BPS · September 6

My wife has been in MC for about 18 months. She thinks she is there for a little while to regain her strength, she has no real concept of time. When she was home she was mad at me a lot of the time over some delusions she was having. Now she is glad to see me and is more pleasant. There are a few of the other residents she don't like but she has a couple that she is friends with. It has been better since she moved. I did go through feeling of guilt because she was what your wife sounds like, for the most part easy to care for. She gave up driving easy and still thought that she was taking care of the house and herself even though she was mostly sleeping or watching TV.

annie51 · September 6

I have been waffling about MC for a while now, for some reasons different from yours but one very similar one - do I think he’d be happier in a nice facility with a staff that has more training and not having me boss him around? Am I really the best caregiver at this point given my own mental state? I lay awake at night thinking of the pros and cons. And, like you, I see what so many others are dealing with and for so many more years than I have and question if im wimping out or thinking of his best interests? It’s a difficult process!

Quilting brings calm · September 6

You could try a 15-30 day respite and see if it helps.

upstateAnn · September 6

my husband is much nicer with me now that he is MC,.

wose · September 7

I wonder if and about all the ill effects my DH is experiencing because of me. I truly try so hard, wake up with a good attitude but within an hour he starts in on the insults. Very very hurtful verbal language. It’s so hard not to yell back. Most times I just leave the room but the lasting effects on both of us are worrisome. At this point, placement almost feels mandatory but the guilt and financial burden are outweighing it, plus he’s not a people person. But, could that change if he were in the right environment? He was never aggressive and now he is. Maybe he would acclimate better than I think.
The uncertainty of it all is so overwhelming.
i think a respite is a good idea, maybe it could serve as a reset. I keep procrastinating but I know if I don’t get respite soon, I’m going to be a statistic. I’m so sorry for you and yes I second “This Damn Disease”

Timmyd · September 7

If there was an ALZ crystal ball into the future, the two things I would ask;

when/how does this end?

will DW be happier in a care facility?

Milo4455 · September 7

This hits a direct hit for me as well. All the above sentiments are going thru my pea brain, 24-7, it seems. We seem to be doing ok at home together. I don't believe he would do well in a strange care facility. Home IS his world now. We've hired a part time 'friend' to come in a few days a week to visit, since the calvary has not, and will not be coming. No answers. Just more questions.

SiberianIris · September 7

It's pretty common for the primary caregiver to be the one who receives the brunt of anger and frustration from the person you're caring for. That doesn't make it any nicer for you, but know that this is not because you're doing anything wrong. Whether it's caring for a parent or a spouse, the role change from being a child or partner into "the boss" is incredibly difficult on both sides.

CindyBum · September 7

Thank you all. Up and at it another day. Going to see if I can come up with a new strategy for when the complaining sessions start. No idea what that will be, but gotta give it a try. Also going to see if I can get some more caregiver hours. The jabbering and complaining is clearly getting to me in a way that is unhelpful to me and my DW.

tboard · September 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74031/not-agitation-or-aggression-but

when my DH complains about me it is often the disease. I know this because one day what I cook for supper is amazing. Another time the same dish is horrible and inedible. I have found as his language skills deteriorate he may complain but what he complains about might not be the real issue. He may be hungry or tired and complain about his shoes or about a TV show.

Michele P · September 7

You are doing the best you can every single day to care for your wife. Your wife’s reactions do not minimize everything that you do on a daily basis to care for her. None of us are living with a loved one who can reason and think rationally. The sucker punches hurt all of us. They lash out on the ones who they love, trust, and feel safe with. You have done nothing wrong. You stepped up to the plate, and you took care of your wife. Look at the option of in home care, respite care, or memory care. Visit facilities and put plan B in place by getting her on a waiting list. One of my family members cared for his wife with Alzheimer’s for 17 years before we buried him before his wife. You need to take care of yourself too. Your wife is fortunate to have you by her side.

Iris L. · September 7

My suggestion: stop asking her questions. PWD get easily discombobulated by questions. Make positive, upbeat statements. Make your focus creating a consistent, stress-free environment with failure-free activities. Do not take complaints personally.

Iris

Maru · September 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74031/not-agitation-or-aggression-but

Since I have been trying to analyze my DH's anxiety and does he need to be put on something like Seroquel with all its black box warnings…I wonder if this is you DW's way of expressing anxiety? My way of dealing with DH's anxious questions is to hear but not listen. Before placing her in MC you might see if Seroquel or some such drug might help her.

I know that you are doing the best that you can for her but sometimes it is just hard to know what to do. Today, I can do this. Today I can tell myself that his brain is broken and would never have said XYZ if his brain wasn't broken. Will I able to that in 6 months, a year? With all the caring that you do for your DW, don't forget that taking care of yourself is important, as well.

Not Agitation or Aggression, But...

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