How to answer questions about going home.

mariannereiner · September 9

My lo is in assisted living for past 3 weeks, she constantly cries that she wants to go home. She has moderate dementia and is 95 years old

SDianeL · September 9

welcome. Glad you’re here but not for the reason. Sorry about your Mom. For many with dementia, home is a feeling not a place. She may not remember where she lived. Many who live in the same house they have lived in for decades say that they want to go home. Couple of things that may help: ask the caregivers how she is doing when you’re not there. Are they encouraging her? Is she in AL or MC? Memory Care caregivers usually know how to redirect or distract PWDs that are anxious. It helped my DH when I visited at mealtime. It distracted him. When I left I didn’t say goodbye. That triggered him. I just quietly left and told the nurse I was leaving. The nurse would distract him with ice cream. Your Mom probably doesn’t remember when you last visited as they have no concept of time. If you haven’t already, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which was recommended by a nurse and really helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos. Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow have good ones. They help you understand dementia and give tips on how to handle situations. If your Mom is depressed I would speak to her doctor about medication to help her. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you’re going through.

ARIL · September 9

Three weeks isn’t very long; adjusting to AL can take months. So you can try to remind yourself of that, even though it’s hard.

That said, talking about going home is very common. Some people on this forum have had success with fiblets about temporary residency: you’ll be here until the doctor says you are strong enough, you’ll here while X major repair is happening at home, etc. When my LO was new to assisted living, I talked about how we were just trying it out and we were paying by the month so we could change our mind at the end of the next month. That worked well enough for us until things settled down a little.

At this point, my LO (age 91) is in MC and talks about going home a lot, but the word “home” means different things at different times. Sometimes it means the room in the facility; sometimes it seems to mean my house, where my LO visits occasionally; sometimes it means a childhood home. Although the question is still very common, I have learned to worry about it less and to offer up positive answers that I think respond to what’s really being asked: How can I feel more secure and comfortable?

So I can say, “I’ll be coming to visit you at your home tomorrow afternoon” or “Let’s go back to where you live right now and sit and talk” or “You’ll be coming to my home for lunch next Saturday” or “You and your parents moved a lot when you were a child, didn’t you?” or whatever.

Your LO may be in an earlier stage of disease progression, but I hope this helps a little. Hang in there. There is nothing easy about this. I hope you feel confident that your LO is getting good care.

How to answer questions about going home.

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