I don’t think I can do this

psswbdc · September 9

My mother and stepfather had both been in decline for several years and I have tried multiple types of interventions and been spending about half of my time with them at their house 2 ½ hrs from me for about a year. Two months ago my stepfather became ill and he died a week ago yesterday. I had been at their house pretty much since July 3 til he died September 1. I am scheduled for a knee replacement on September 10 which I was unable to postpone, so I brought my mother home with me. The plan was that after I recuperate a little my partner will drive us back up to her house so we can take care of all the death paperwork for my stepdad, and then we would return to my house to live until such time as her Alzheimer’s progresses to where I can no longer care for her. But I don’t know if I can do this. After two months of being with her and her husband constantly, taking care of them both and watching him die, and now being at home taking care of her (a full time job) I am so depressed and angry I don’t know what to do. My knee replacement is tomorrow and my partner is going to have to take care of both of us until I am able to get around. I feel like this situation is going to drive me crazy and drive my partner away. We can always hire someone to help but so far have had really bad luck with part-time and respite caregivers. My mother doesn’t understand that she can’t be alone. This is all just so overwhelming I don’t know what to do. I know there are resources but I feel paralyzed. I just don’t want to do this even though I know I have to. I feel horribly guilty for feeling the way I do but it’s like my life has ended and will now revolve around her until one of us is dead. Is it common to feel resentful, angry, depressed and overwhelmed? How do I handle it? How can I not let this situation take over my life? I’m exhausted and I can’t imagine how difficult this will be after having surgery tomorrow. Thanks for letting me vent. Advice appreciated.

H1235 · September 9

Does she have the money for assisted living? Al offers her independents from you as well as you independents from her. She would have others her age to talk with, activities and music. Al is not as awful as some make it out to be. I would encourage you to look at some options and maybe even get her name on a waiting list.

Colacho10 · September 9

It's a huge amount to handle all at once, especially with surgery tomorrow. You focus on that, be there for yourself at the moment. After you are done with that, a good first step would be to ask for the hospital social worker or discharge planner. They can connect you with reliable caregiver services and resources, so you don't have to figure it all out alone while you're recovering.

Hope your surgery goes well

sandwichone123 · September 9

I agree. Step one is to recover from surgery. Appreciate your partner, hire whatever you can (food delivery) to take the load off your partner, but DO NOT try to help. You need to rest both physically and actually. You will be surprised how wiped out you are, so ask partner to close your door when they go, and you will sleep.

Quilting brings calm · September 9

I had my second knee replacement in May. Recovery was slower than the first one - however I was still walking with a walker that evening ( you are encouraged to get up for 5 minutes every waking hour). I switched to a cane within a couple weeks.
Yes your spouse will need to do caregiving for you, but not for as long as you think. Get up every hour for that 5 minutes, ice every couple hours - middle of the night too if you wake up. I had 4 ice gel packs that I rotated in the freezer. I was able to drive 2 weeks out with my left knee, 4 weeks out with my right. Had to give up the pain pills to do so.

My first knee was done while my parents were still alive, with nothing of them in an AL. So I didn’t see them for that two weeks.

While you are recovering, start researching facilities online. Once you are comfortably walking with a cane, start visiting them. You do not have to be the 24/7 caregiver for your mom if it’s not in your capabilities to do so. That means if you aren’t mentally, emotionally, physically in the right situation… it also means if your relationship with your partner would be damaged etc. it means if your home is your sanctuary, you don’t have to have it invaded. This is a marathon not a sprint. Your mom is going to decline even faster without her husband.

JulietteBee · September 9

It is very common to feel all of those emotions at once, or cycle through them. It is the grief cycle!

Whether you were close to your step dad or not, you are grieving his loss.

Whether you & your mom were close or not, you are experiencing anticipatory grief.

I am dealing with my very own, life threatening disease. I lost my only sibling. I have become sole heir to my parents' estate and overseer of my mother's wellbeing.

She and I became really close after I got married and gave birth to her first grandchild a few decades ago.

I've seen her mental decline over the past 3-5 years, but got her officially diagnosed last December.

With all that back story, I can tell you that I often feel resentful, depressed, and angry. I am angry at my sibling for dying. I am angry that I can not continue my own journey towards death without feeling immense guilt at the thought of dying & leaving her to suffer alone, without spouse or child.

Don't get me wrong. I do not want to die! I worst don't want her to die. I am resentful that my timeline has now been overshadowed by hers, yet being informed that she could live with dementia for another 10-15 years. I feel like there is no end in sight for either hers, or my, suffering to end.

I am a nurse, so I can tell you that barring any unforeseen complications, your surgery and recovery will take about 4-6 weeks. You will be encouraged to be up and about the very next day, Thursday.

You did not say what stage mom is in but, unless she is advanced, your partner should have no need to offer hands on care for your mom. As he prepares meals for you, invite her to get a plate. Make her feel at home. Orient her to where everything is and tell her to help herself. Be sure to restrict her from cooking & supervise her while she does her own laundry.

You are going to find where she will most likely stay in her room as she doesn't want to be "a bother."

All the best with surgery! You got this! Of that I am sure…🫂🙏🏽🫂

ARIL · 2:12AM

The metaphor of the airplane oxygen bag works here: fit your own mask before assisting others. Focus on your surgical recovery; you will be able to deal with everything else later.

I don’t think I can do this

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