Gentleness and Continuation
I guess after reading about so many other situations I have it very easy. My DH is not aggressive, he’s very sweet and kind the sort of person that everyone loves. He gave up driving relatively easily and is quite good as a passenger, he accommodates most of my wishes if I manipulate the circumstances to suit. We go to the dog park with our puppy, occasionally to an afternoon matinee for a live musical performance, we go to Sailability every week where I am an instructor and the group keeps an eye on my DH, we wander around the secondhand shops because its easy and the people are so kind, we are having a Father’s Day BBQ this afternoon with our daughter and family. My DH is almost non verbal, when he talks with others it’s word salad so he is mostly ignored, he gets very tired and wants my attention 24/7 of course. It’s such a slow moving VD about stage 5 or 6, perhaps we could go on like this for another 10 years. It’s is tiring being very conscious of making all the decisions and make g them right, household maintence, I have just signed a contract for restumping the house which made me feel quite sick its expensive and the money is running low, decisions on food, clothing, medical, dentist, car maintenance and then trying to have some social interaction. I'm tired. Thank you for the rant.
Comments
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I enjoyed reading. I often wonder if it is easier for when it DW with dementia rather than DH, particularly if the husband is already proficient with cooking and cleaning. Household maintenance, managing finances, dealing with vehicles are all things I a was already pretty good at before DW diagnosis. Fortunately, I adapted well to the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Actually, enjoying to cook and having full control of the menu is not that bad a thing🙂
DW is hyper-verbal. She will talk nonsense to the air endlessly but would prefer to talk to a stranger instead. Therefore, public outings have become pretty rare. We live in a big city. I think going out would be easier if it were a small town with fewer distractions and more familiar people.
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Same here Biggles. We do a lot of activities. I still drag him to rock concerts and broadway plays, but he’s very combative ( thankfully only with me ) As soon as we get in the car it starts, but I continue on now thru the turmoil. We went to a MlB game last night and it went pretty good. But yes I’m tired. DH just sits and watches TV for the most part and can’t reason out anything anymore. I had to replace all the copper pipes in our house cause of pinhole leaks last week. Then you have to find a dry wall guy and in the midst of all this I have mice in my garage, so I had to get a rodent guy. I need tires on my car and a new oven. And then he looks at me and says “ what’s wrong with you, you look like s**t. 🤣 Help!!! But somehow, everything gets done. Maybe not timely or perfect but done. I managed to fix a bathtub faucet leak the other day… all by myself… Score one for me 🥳
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I had to chuckle at @wose “And then he looks at me and says “ what’s wrong with you, you look like s**t. 🤣 Help!!!” What we have to put up with!
It is definitely difficult to become the person who makes all the decisions, does all the maintenance, etc. But you’re lucky you can still do all those activities. That is the difficulty I have now - not much that DH can or will do, other than walking and car rides which both have their own challenges. He wants to talk to everyone we see and sometimes gets belligerent with them - like yelling “come over here!” to someone walking the other direction. And he can get pretty nasty in the car when I turn a different direction than he wants to - which is EVERY time I turn! Now I just ignore it and it goes away eventually but it’s stressful.
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Well done, incredible isn't it what we can do cos no one else is going to do it. Good on you glad to hear there is someone else out there who says this is our life just do it! The bathtub faucet sounds awesome a real piece of art well-done.
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@Biggles
It's not a race to the bottom. Just because your DH isn't aggressive doesn't mean your situation isn't sad and challenging.
IMO, the PWD who shadows or needs "their person" to be in attendance at all times is emotionally suffocating.
HB5 -
My father did the same to my mom. I'm sorry. That hurts.
On one hand I feel like this could be a function of the fact he times traveled back to the 1960s and 1970s when mom would have been a much younger person. But his sociopathic tendencies were so baked-in, that he retained the ability to say the most individualized zingers until a few months before he died.
HB0 -
I expect every spsouse/partner will comment here. I don't remember " The 36 Hour Day" mentioning this aspect of being the caretaker for your loved one. It can be really overwhelming, especially when making big money decisions ( we are in process of tub to shower conversion for when bathing becomes difficult) and ini making medical decisons like is his anxiety soo much that he should be put on Reluxti or Seroquel. Then, all the little things like finding someone to trim the hedges and pull weeds and what can I fix that he will eat now that he is getting picky.
last night was the first tims in 66 years that he forgot to say I love you when we went to bed. That is the saddest thing that he has done.
After reading all the posts here the past year and a half, i give thanks to God that my DH is not aggressive (so far), is kind, gentle, loving and tries to be helpful.
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My husband is not aggressive either. He won’t even leave the house any more, even for a drive to the beach which is 10 minutes from our home. YouTube videos have become my personal guru for repairs of almost any kind. But my hedge needs trimming and I need some yard clearing. My truck has a headlight out and it’s complicated to replace the entire unit. On this particular older model, you can’t replace just the bulb. My gutters need cleaned as well but I live in a two story that’s taller than many. The house is small, but tall. The list goes on.
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And on and on - on good days I can be proud that I am still willing and able to learn and take on so many new things or things I had not been in charge of before. On the not so good days I stand on our acre looking around crying wondering how I will ever do it "all".
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You sound just like me. We also live on an acre and there is always something to be done. My list is long.
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My husband is not aggressive or violent but has VD, among other things and his legs are getting weaker. Standing for more than a couple of minutes is difficult. I hired a contractor to install grab bars for the shower but did not tell DH. When the guy came to put in the bars DH said loudly i don't want them, don't need them and he isn't an invalid! I know he needs them. He's been avoiding the shower for weeks eventhough we have a shower chair and a handheld shower and he is still capable of washing hinself. I told the guy to install the bars and then had to deal with DH. So tough. I need to call Painters next week, we need a new back fence, and so many other jobs more than I can handle. I do what I can, cleaned carpets in the whole house, took 2 days! Exhausted, yes! No wonder. Caretaking is exhausting, add on all the other tasks we do regularly and the maintenance projects...it can be overwhelming but as we all know the calvary is not coming. To me the most irritating thing is the shadowing and constant need for 24/7 me being right by his side. So hard to get things done when they feel you should be with them constantly.
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From @RetiredTeacher “ To me the most irritating thing is the shadowing and constant need for 24/7 me being right by his side. So hard to get things done when they feel you should be with them constantly.”
I agree 1000%. I thought the shadowing was bad a couple years ago. Now he’s like an appendage! 😁 Hard to make a quick phone call, send a text, check my emails, etc. unless he’s sleeping or I can sneak it when he’s not looking. It’s stifling.2 -
I think we are entering that appendage stage. I felt it the last few days. I’m in the bath now ( epson salts for my arthritis ) and in the last 5 minutes DH has been in here 8 times and then I lost count. It’s like heaven in my old bathtub tho💜
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Well done Worse your chaotic life sounds like mine I think its partly trying to stop the boredom. Anyway you made me smile 😉thankyou
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Thank you trottingalong just to hear that we all have the same sort of problems and how we are coping with them is comforting.
It’s getting harder and harder to get my DH out of the house too just wants to sit and watch TV as long as I am there to wait to n him, he is so slow and of course the check list ie toilet, glasses, two matching shoes 🤣if I do everything slowly and gently with a calmness life is good.
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It’s seems so hard sometimes I found myself tonight walking around our back garden in the dark with our puppy at my heals softly crying.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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