What Is Looking After Yourself

the VA offered respite care so I could go do things. 4 hours each week. The caregiver came about noon and stayed until 4. I would run errands, go to doctor appts, or sometimes just go to a bookstore with a coffee shop and sit in peace and quiet. Sometimes I would get a coffee to go and go to a park or park beside a lake and listen to music. It recharged me. It helped that I trusted the caregiver.

I will be watching this thread closely as all the historical things I might have done to "reset" are currently not useful. It is so very difficult to take a relaxing bath when your shadow cannot bare for you to be gone more than 30 seconds. The walk around the neighborhood is done in haste and worry not at a pace of leisure and enjoyment. There is no reading for pleasure and these wee hours are my only respite. I too need new ways to give myself a break - just little ways to disengage and reset mentally, emotionally. 4 hours of respite sound like heaven; I could use 4 minutes most days. I will mention someone on here was taking scooter rides in their neighborhood during these wee hours and that vision has stayed with me so I think I may try a 2am bike ride before the weather changes here. 😅

I have a wonderful caregiver who cooks and does laundry for us. She’s here 3 days a week for 4 hours. I’m lucky to live near a beach. So. I get a beach walk at my own pace. I shop or meet someone for lunch. I also often just park on a hill above the town’s little pier and stare at the water.

Nearly a year into this arrangement and my DW still complains every time the caregiver comes. Not that it bothers me as much anymore, but I really thought that might go away. Ha! I now see it as a helpful reminder to “fight” for me and taking care of myself by not giving in to those complaints.

What I’m doing with my free time, which is few & far between.

Getting a pedicure. Getting my hair colored, going shopping at thrift stores, or the mall, or Costco, going to the library, reading a book, going to a zoom meeting online, going for a walk, going to the gym, calling a relative or friend.

Honestly, I get annoyed at people constantly telling me to "take time for myself" and "take care of myself" by those who are not living our constant daily struggle. When I pay a hired caregiver, I have to buy groceries, pick up prescriptions, fix things that are broken, or get work projects accomplished since I work from home. I think it's one of those things that people say, like "I'm sorry" when someone dies. What else are they going to say? What do medical staff know or really care of the struggles we face every day?

That said, I do exercise, meditate, journal, eat healthy food, use constant positive affirmations to keep DH in a good frame of mind (also helpful for me!) and fight for every single minute of quality sleep I can get. That is a fight for survival so the drowning man does not take me down with him. I am just keeping my head above water. For me, the phrase "take care of yourself" does not reflect the critical nature of my fight to survive.

Sometimes I think people don't know what else to say. My standard response is, "Thanks, I'm trying." Then I move on. For me, taking care of myself means physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Even though my husband is in MC, there is still a lot of stress. When he was home, I had a caregiver from the Area Agency on Aging coming in two or three times a week. It helped, but honestly, when she left nothing had changed and I was right back where I was. Physically, I try to fit in some exercise to help relieve the stress. I am blessed to have my tai chi class twice a week. Also, I try to eat healthy. Caregiving is hard work and we need our nourshment. I brush my teeth twice a day too. Emotionally I try to call a couple of trusted friends at least once a week, and sometimes more, although it was hard to do when he was home. My husband always got upset when I was on the phone. He thought I was talking about him. My doctor prescribed medication for anxiety and depression that I still take. Mentally, I try not to let anger build up…and there is anger. Reading always calms me down. Deep breathing exercises also help as does writing things down. I avoid watching anything violent on television and try to watch uplifting movies. Spiritually, prayer and meditation time are important even when I don't think I have the time. Ufortunately, I don't always do a great job with all of this but it's the trying that counts. None of us are perfect and what works for me may not work for you. Sometimes a good cry is part of taking care of myself.

I am always learning how to adapt and better deal with the changing circumstances. A few things:

I am getting better at not caring how DW speaks or behaves in public, as long as it is not a threat to the health/safety of herself or others. I take care of myself by not stressing over anyone's reaction to DW's behavior. Sometimes when people stare at her with disapproval, I look back like "Do you really want to go there with me?"

I believe I am capable of learning new hobbies and developing new interests. I take care of myself by focusing on things I can enjoy inside our home or within the boundaries of our property. These are things like cooking, home improvement, re-decorating, gardening, de-cluttering.

We disagreed about things over the years with regard to how our home was decorated and organized. DW no longer cares. Now is my time to do things my way.

I am reading The Unexpected Journey: Finding Strength, Hope, and Yourself on the Caregiving Path, by Emma Heming-Willis (Bruce Willis' wife) for the third time now. I keep finding little trinkets of how to make time for myself each time I read it.

My favorite is remembering to breathe. We forget to breathe deeply. Emma set an alarm on her phone to remind her to breathe. When the alarm goes off, she takes three deep breaths. I've tried it and it makes me stop and evaluate my current stress level, and bring it down a level or two.

It's the little things that keep us sane. 💞

For me "Taking care of myself" generally involves music. Maybe some fingerpicking on my guitar (with no calluses built up), or making use of one of the music streaming services (NO ADS!) with headphones on so I can close my eyes and immerse myself into the music if I so desire. Generally I can get time after my DW has gone to bed in early evening. It is a blessing for me that early bedtime works for her. Soft lighting and music soothes my soul, as does a quiet house.