Considering move into Assisted Living for both of us

My mom’s assisted living offered a lot of freedom. Residents could own a car and drive (I don’t think anyone did) or take public transportation to go shopping. On the flip side there was very little monitoring to make sure mom (who was not capable) didn’t leave. They would have stopped her if they saw her trying to leave, but she could have slipped out without notice. You might try to look for a facility community that offers different levels of care. Something where one building is independent living another is Al and another mc. They would all be managed together, with easy transition from one level of care to another as needed. You might also find that you could live in Al, but join in the activities offered by the independent living community. Do your children live near by? I ask because if something were to happen to you would they may want to move him to a facility closer to them. Have you taken care of legal matters for yourself. Have you appointed someone as your DPOA, just in case. In my area some facilities can have a long wait list. If you are thinking about it at all, don’t wait too long. At almost 90 I think it’s time to make your life a bit easier and get rid of the house. I assume this would probably make life a bit easier on your children. Do they help with home repairs, check in often, bring groceries…

@Maru

When my parents moved north when dad was in the middle stages of dementia, mom and I explored a lot of different options.

When you say "active living senior community", what do you mean exactly. I can think of 3 very different communities mom and I looked at that market themselves as such.

The first was a 55+ Active Adult apartment complex where they initially landed while we figured out next steps. They had a lovely apartment with amenities like a pool and clubhouse. But aside from a van service that made a couple trips each week to the grocery stores it was like living in any well-run apartment complex except that everyone was over 55.

Mom decided to buy a twin home in a different 55+ community. Their HOA fee includes lawn care, garden mulching and snow removal and amenities like pools, gyms, clubhouse, etc. Mom still has to arrange things like gutter cleaning, interior paint, HVAC service, etc. This community is very active with a lot of clubs and activities, but what I've noticed is that the folks who are engaged in all these activities seem to be on the younger side (60-early 70s) and not particularly welcoming to newcomers who are older. When I take mom to the pool, I (I'm 68) get lots of folks starting conversations with me and inviting me to events but mom is invisible to them.

My first choice for my parents would have been a Quaker 55+ continuing care community. The campus has all the amenities and even more clubs and activities as where mom lives now but they offer services on the campus that allow residents to age-in-place with a range of options from 2 BR independent living apartments with available dining plans and housekeeping as add-ons; AL apartments that offer assistance with hygiene, dressing, meds and meals; Personal care suites which includes a secure wing for PWD; and a SNF for people who need skilled nursing or rehab. They also had a car service for appointments and minibus that had a daily schedule for shops, houses of worship and events in the area.

One of the men in our support group lived in an IL apartment with his wife until her dementia progressed to a point where she needed professional care and she moved into their MCF. It was nice because he could still have her visit the apartment, have meals together or go swimming at their pool. One nice thing was that when they both moved to AL because of his mobility issues, he was able to hire staff he already knew to stay with his wife when he needed a break. Much as I wanted this option, even if mom had wanted it as well, they required a cognitive evaluation as part of their interview process. They will allow a PWD to stay in the community, but they do not offer residency to anyone with dementia.

HB

My mom and Dad lived in assisted living for 5 years. She didn’t drive while there, but he did until the last few months. They did their own shopping when they felt like it. They weren’t held captive, just asked to sign in/out so the staff knew who was in the building and who wasn’t. Meals were in the dining room but they did have a microwave and refrigerator. Housekeeping, laundry, medication management, transportation to local stores and doctors could be provided. Activities were available. There were always people of a similar age to talk to if you went to the common area.
I think it would be a great idea for you as long as you have a plan B for him such as extra caregivers or a later move to MC or a SNF.

I would do what is best for your DH and for you. It’s your decision. I think the AL with MC wing facility makes the most sense. MC provides 24/7 care in a locked environment. The caregivers are more trained on how to care for PWDs. You can still visit and have meals together. While he is being cared for you can get much needed rest. You can participate in as many or as few activities as you choose. Your children may never understand or agree with your decision.