Grieving

anngoerl · September 17

I find I am grieving the intimacy that we used to have. I tried to hug him this morning he said to me, I don’t love him. I felt like it tore my heart right out of my chest. We have been married for 67 years. It is my DH. I find myself often in tears I’m 84. I feel like I live in the house alone. He gets angry so easy I do love them but there are times I just don’t know what to do anymore when I try to help he says I am being nasty. He calls me the B word it is not easy. I am sure you all know what I’m talking about.
Now

wose · September 17

Your post hit me hard this morning. The B word is a constant now. Our wedding anniversary is in a few days and today he wants a divorce. He went off to phone an attorney, but can’t dial the phone unless he asks Siri. These days the tears are so hard to stop. I know I must keep going but I’m not sure how anymore. The Dr upped the Zoloft but like @harshedbuzz said, “it’s like bringing a knife to a gun battle “. I try to stay calm and out of sight but it’s like he seeks me out , just to insult me and then he feels better….but with us it sticks, hurts and just sucks💜

WIGO23 · September 17

Heartbreaking to live with and care for a person who is your person but NOT your person anymore. I try to remind myself DH is more or less “possessed” by ALZ. The real person is losing a battle he cannot win and neither can I. It is tragic for both of us.

Chris20cm · September 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74119/grieving

That's so difficult. We caregivers are a tough bunch, but we hunger for intimacy and meaningful conversation, instead of repetition, complaining, mocking and insults. We don't deserve it. And the loneliness never goes away because we can't replace a six decades marriage with other social interactions. It helps a little bit, but it's not a cure.

CindyBum · September 17

Oh, anng. I'm so sorry. We understand. It's such a constant heartbreak. I don't get called the b-word, but my DW spends a lot of time letting me know she's not happy with what I'm doing. It is so draining when we're putting all of our love into taking care of them.

Big hugs

jfkoc · September 17

OK, just a thought based on. your post….he feels you are nasty. when you are trying to help.

It is possible that you are trying to help hi with something that is really just to hard for him now.

It is hard but we have to get within the 4 corners of the page that our loved one is on.

Again, it is hard to do.

added; approach is the key to many things

tboard · September 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74119/grieving

I am so sorry. It seems like we loose them a little at a time. I often get called the "B" word and it still hurts even though I know it is the disease. When I try to help him get dressed he screams and me to leave him alone. I recently discovered that if I promise him that I will leave for ever if he lets me help him he quiets down. Alzhiemer's and vascular dementia are the "B" word! The rest of us are doing the best that we can.

Metta · September 17

It is a daily heartbreak. So often, the insults or anger appear from nowhere, and the element of surprise takes down even the strongest of us, especially coming from someone we have loved so dearly.

I am a lot younger than you are, and I can barely survive each day. Please get some support if you have not done so already. Things can get worse quickly, from insults to real violence. Please be safe. You are loving him. Sometimes that is all we can do for our LO.

blacksparky · September 17

This year was the first anniversary and birthday that my DW had no idea what was going on. She used to get all excited on these special days. She has no idea we are married and doesn’t know my name anymore. When she wants something, she yells hey you. It hurt at first but I’ve accepted that it isn’t her but the disease. As far as getting her agitated when I try to help, I decided to pick my battles. If she wants to not wear underwear or put her shirt on before her bra, it no longer bothers me and I avoid a battle. If she wants to wear her bra and underwear in the shower and puts on new clothes over her wet things, it’s just water and eventually dry. Less expectations and requests have made my life a little bit easier. Hang in there😀

annie51 · 12:28AM

I’m going through that with my DH. He has said some very nasty things to me, so unlike him in our 38 year marriage. He tells me he’ll kill me but totally forgets he says it once it’s out of his mouth. I’ve never felt really threatened because it usually happens when he’s agitated about something I did or am about to do — something awful like closing the door to the freezer.😁

ronda b · 1:39AM

DH doesn't say mean things he just gives me mean hateful looks and angry answers to any question I ask. Even if it's just are you hungry.

SDianeL · 2:55AM

yes we understand. So sorry you are going through this. We grieve for what we’ve lost and what may have been. It’s the disease not him. I know you understand that but it still hurts. Hugs. 💜

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