living the movie Groundhog Day

souman1991 · September 17

My wife and I have had a wonderful 40+ years together. Recently, the neurologist diagnosed her Alzheimer's as "early moderate" stage.

I believe the moderate stage began during the past year. The biggest change so far (in the moderate stage) is not greater loss in memory (although there is some). Rather, it's behavior related. She gets angry and frustrated primarily at herself (for not "having a voice") and me. She wants to put her fist through the wall (she says). This is contrary to her lifelong personality. We keep having the same negative conversation most days. It's usually followed by her feeling really bad about what she said to me.

An example of what she gets angry about is how I didn't tell her in advance about a home repair contractor appointment. She perceives this as a lack of respect on my part. We'd discussed the appointment more than once but she didn't remember. It's a "catch 22"; do I agree with her and apologize or say that we did talk?

Most of the time, so far, I've tried reminded her when we talked (about the appointment), thinking it was better to do that rather than have her think I was disrespectful. That hasn't been going well so I'm going to switch gears. I'm going to say that I would never intentionally be respectful because of how much I love and value her, and that I will try to do better.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Milo4455 · September 17

Yep, switch gears. It's hard not to correct, BUT, be apologetic, that you messed up and you will do better.

Carl46 · September 17

"Sorry, I thought I told you."

Michele P · September 17

Don’t argue. It gets you nowhere and angers and frustrates your wife. Just apologize in a calm voice.

upstateAnn · 12:03AM

the frustration of experiencing Alzheimer’s is terrible. That explains much of the anger. I parried a lot, but then it passed as the disease progressed.

annie51 · 12:13AM

One book I read suggested using the phrase “did I remember to tell you…?”.

wose · 12:54AM

“Oh Fudge, I’m so sorry, I just don’t remember things like I used to.” …. But it’s so hard to play the bad guy when you’re not. So sorry but it’s the only way🤨

ronda b · 1:30AM

Have this problem alot, or DH will say I told him a different time or day something was going to happen. Usually I just say I must have looked at the time wrong.

SDianeL · 3:20AM

welcome. Glad you’re here but not for the reason. Sorry about your wife’s diagnosis. Ditto what others have said. We call them fiblets. Apologize and then distract, redirect or offer a treat. It’s her anxiety causing it and the disease talking. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos. Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow have good ones. I found that not telling my DH about any appointments ahead of time worked best. Just casually say they are coming by in a few minutes and make it seem like you just talked to them. As I learned here “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and never argue. I repeated those two things in my head countless times each day.

Bridge4 · 6:19AM

Oh yes, the “Catch-22” of either agreeing to something bad that you didn’t do, versus risking an angry escalation by trying to explain that you respect them and wouldn’t do the bad thing they are accusing you of is one of the MOST FRUSTRATING things about this disease. There are broad categories of everyday subjects where you learn that it’s just easier to agree, offer apologies, or use fiblets to ease their mind. My problem are the Ad Hominem arguments where my DW just totally goes for degradation of my moral fiber. Charges such as “you are stealing from me”; “you are conspiring with others against me”; “you are having an affair”; and “you are withholding medicine and Doctor visits to kill me sooner”; are just devastating and demand some sort of response. These delusions are more frequent and more angst-ridden as she moves through stage 5 towards stage 6. I try humor or redirection because a factual response does more harm than good. Sertraline and Rexulti have not helped. Counseling and support from this community helps with just letting things go, but it still stings. Sometimes it feels like we are walking through a house on fire and need to put our heads down and just keep moving if we’re going to get out on the other side and survive.

living the movie Groundhog Day

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