The Stage 8 Club

howhale · September 12

I first learned the term, stage 8, on this forum just a few days ago. Never new what i would call my life after she passed. It has been a little over three weeks since my dear wife left me and the family. It was a long eight year journey but thankfully she did not suffer physically or by some other health condition and she fell asleep at the end and slowly gave up her fight. So, now I am in stage 8. I don't like it. I did not like stages 1 through 7 but at least my dear wife was still here with me. Sure, all the things we talk about affected her as well so one could say that body sitting with me was not here anymore. There are those who do say that as if it makes me feel better. Not gonna happen. At least before stage 8 I could hold her hand, kiss her cheek, care for her, feed her and tell her over and over that I loved her. I cannot do that anymore. And yes, the silence is horrible. I still wake up in the middle of the night at about the time she took her last breath. Nothing I do changes that so far. When the emotions hit, it hurts worse than physical pain. It hits often and unexpectedly. Everyone has suggestions as to what I should do, how I should spend my time, where I should go to help get better. I am not sure I want to get better. I am not sure I want to stop crying. I am not sure I want to laugh again. I feel selfish doing those things. I fear when I stop crying, I will start forgetting and I do not want to forget anything. As horrible as living with this disease can be, and no one who has not lived it will ever grasp just how hard it is, I do not want to live without it for it means I am living without her. I have been reading so many threads on here regarding this subject and related ones. I can feel and relate to so much of what you have shared. I do not know what I will do to move forward but I know in time I must. It must be on my terms however for there are aspects of this grief I will not give up for fear that I will lose something too dear to me. I don't know what that might be but I am not prepared to start deciding. I think people outside our world are so poorly informed about what we have lived they attempt to suggest and apply solutions for more traditional terminal conditions. There are darn few, if any, terminal conditions that do to all involved what this disease does and for years on end. I honestly cannot see how one could expect me to get better in any less time than it took me to get here. In my case it was eight years. Sorry for the lengthy unloading but this forum is the only place I have found where there are like minded people who truly understand what I am talking about and accept it without judgement. For me, this forum is becoming a life saver in more ways than you might imagine.

flowermama · September 13

It's been 8 years since my beloved husband passed. I can tell you it gets easier. I still miss him horribly but the overwhelming pain is gone. I honestly thought I would join him that first year. I can see where people can die from a broken heart.

Give yourself time to grieve. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief, taking time for yourself as needed. Remember, great love hurts worse when one is gone. You two loved eachother a lot. It WILL get easier.

SDianeL · September 15

I understand exactly how you feel. I lost my soulmate in August 2024. He was diagnosed in 2021. He had a rare type of Alzheimer’s that progressed rapidly. I prayed his suffering would end but I didn’t want to let him go. Our grief starts at diagnosis not at their passing. The disease robs us of so much. After his passing, I was expecting grief but was not expecting the physical pain. It’s something you can’t describe. Only those here fully understand what we went through and how we feel now. I can’t seem to move forward. Everything reminds me of him. Perhaps, like you I don’t want to. I have found that doing things to honor his memory helps me. I still go on the forum to try to help others who are caring for their loved ones. On the anniversary of his death I donated to the Alzheimer’s Association in his memory. Nobody can tell you how to grieve. Take all the time you need. I too don’t know how to move on as they say. I want to cherish the beautiful memories we made. As in the song “The Dance” if I missed the pain I would have had to miss the dance and I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the love of my life. Many people go through life and never find true love. I’m so thankful I found mine. Your beautiful wife was lucky to have you. May she rest in peace. 🙏 Hugs 💜

Quilting brings calm · September 16

Each day ( hour) will be different. Do what seems okay to you. You want to binge watch tv, do that. Binge read, do that. Sleep, do that. Rest. Take a book to a quiet cafe if you feel like it. Try to do one required thing a day. Phone calls for example. If you feel up to it, do a second required thing.
It’s also ok if today you feel like going out and about. A movie alone or with a friend. Game night at a friends. An overnight trip or longer. This is about what feels right to you. Not to anyone else. Your grief is still going to be there and you don’t need to feel guilty if you enjoy yourself at any given activity either.

GothicGremlin · 1:47AM

@howhale My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife. I'm glad though that she didn't suffer physically.

Stage 8 can be a weird thing - I've been in Stage 8 for about a year and a half after losing my younger sister to Alzheimer's and FTD.

I agree with everything @Quilting brings calm said. I certainly found these things to be true for myself.

It must be on my terms however for there are aspects of this grief I will not give up for fear that I will lose something too dear to me.

Absolutely. I know exactly what you mean.

For me, this forum is becoming a life saver in more ways than you might imagine.

It's been that way for me as well.

howhale · 7:58AM

Thanks for the responses and sharing, it helps me to know that, while we are not together in body, we are all together in experience and in our sharing. Finding others who live in my new world and who are willing to listen, share and grieve with me, expands my world beyond just myself. Wile I sit alone in our home, I now know that I am not alone in this world and that gives me comfort. Thank you to all and know that my heart goes out to each of you for the burden you carry as well.

The Stage 8 Club

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