Still waffling on MC placement

annie51 · 1:07AM

After touring MC facilities for my plan B, I started thinking that maybe DH would be happier and better cared for if he was there. There are a few reasons for this which I won’t go into but I haven’t made a decision yet. I am not good at being decisive - ironically that was one of the things that attracted me to my DH at the beginning. But lately I’ve been daydreaming about the things I could do for me if I was no longer 24/7 caregiver (getting a cat is first on the list 🙂). Then I start feeling selfish and guilty, especially when I read about some of you who’ve been doing this for many more years than I have. It’s just so hard to know what’s best for him, and that’s the most important consideration. And will the guilt and regret be too much for me? So many feelings wrapped up in this dementia mess! Thanks for listening.

Milo4455 · 1:44AM

It is the emotional roller coaster ride, the not knowing, the fear of making the 'wrong' decision for our LO. The fact that the calvary is not coming. The fact that WE were once a unit, two peas in a pod, someone to SHARE everything with. Someone on this forum suggested that they weighed the pros and cons, thought on it diligently, made the decision, and didn't dwell afterwards and also didn't allow outsiders to 'judge'. It's different for everyone. Doesn't matter how many books we scour to 'find' answers, there are no right, or wrong answers. All we have is the best we can do. I'm pretty sure the MC road is in our future too, and dreading it is an understatement. Praying helps me a lot in this journey.

CindiEC · 12:21PM

I promised myself I would keep my husband home. It worked for a while. As he got worse I become completely overwhelmed and depressed. I had help in house for a while but it was actually more stressful. My son told me “ Mom it feels like we are losing you too”.

I started looking at MC. The one I chose turned out to be a bad fit. More guilt. I found another facility better suited. ( he was past the point of being able to participate in activities and is much better in a small (10 bed) facility that is quieter.
I know I am lucky to be able to afford the MC.
I will feel guilty for the rest of my life for “abandoning” him, but I would make the same choice again.
Good luck to you. This is a terrible disease.

Colacho10 · 1:22PM

Life can lead us to such difficult situations, and it is normal that you can't deal with your emotions. Caring for yourself isn't selfish. It is, if I may say so, more clever in the long run. That way, you will be able to care for yourself and others, including your husband. To help with the decision, you can make a list of what's best for your husband and what's best for you. You may find those lists overlap more than you think.

If that doesn't help you, maybe a few therapy sessions can be useful to sort through these difficult emotions and practical options. Hope you feel better

cdgbdr · 2:09PM

Annie51

I experience all the same feelings. My DH was placed in MC September 3rd. I second guess myself for all the reasons you mentioned, but I followed through as home care giving fell apart and I still work with no desire to stop. It's hard but I deal with it day by day. It's not selfish but we're prone to feeling that way.

cdgbdr · 2:09PM

CindyBum · 4:59PM

Annie51…you and I are about in that same indecisive and guilty place about placing my DW. So many others have it much worse and are hanging in there, but I just had another full night of a wandering wife keeping me awake all night and I think, "how long can I do this?". It's only been 3 times so far, if you want to know the depth of my lameness. She's still up now and full of energy somehow and I just want to run for the hills and never come back. Stage 6 is no joke

I'm about to make appointments again at a couple of MC facilities. Perhaps I'm better prepared to handle that now than I was 6 months ago.

Still waffling on MC placement

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