Still waffling on MC placement

annie51 · 1:07AM

After touring MC facilities for my plan B, I started thinking that maybe DH would be happier and better cared for if he was there. There are a few reasons for this which I won’t go into but I haven’t made a decision yet. I am not good at being decisive - ironically that was one of the things that attracted me to my DH at the beginning. But lately I’ve been daydreaming about the things I could do for me if I was no longer 24/7 caregiver (getting a cat is first on the list 🙂). Then I start feeling selfish and guilty, especially when I read about some of you who’ve been doing this for many more years than I have. It’s just so hard to know what’s best for him, and that’s the most important consideration. And will the guilt and regret be too much for me? So many feelings wrapped up in this dementia mess! Thanks for listening.

Milo4455 · 1:44AM

It is the emotional roller coaster ride, the not knowing, the fear of making the 'wrong' decision for our LO. The fact that the calvary is not coming. The fact that WE were once a unit, two peas in a pod, someone to SHARE everything with. Someone on this forum suggested that they weighed the pros and cons, thought on it diligently, made the decision, and didn't dwell afterwards and also didn't allow outsiders to 'judge'. It's different for everyone. Doesn't matter how many books we scour to 'find' answers, there are no right, or wrong answers. All we have is the best we can do. I'm pretty sure the MC road is in our future too, and dreading it is an understatement. Praying helps me a lot in this journey.

CindiEC · 12:21PM

I promised myself I would keep my husband home. It worked for a while. As he got worse I become completely overwhelmed and depressed. I had help in house for a while but it was actually more stressful. My son told me “ Mom it feels like we are losing you too”.

I started looking at MC. The one I chose turned out to be a bad fit. More guilt. I found another facility better suited. ( he was past the point of being able to participate in activities and is much better in a small (10 bed) facility that is quieter.
I know I am lucky to be able to afford the MC.
I will feel guilty for the rest of my life for “abandoning” him, but I would make the same choice again.
Good luck to you. This is a terrible disease.

Colacho10 · 1:22PM

Life can lead us to such difficult situations, and it is normal that you can't deal with your emotions. Caring for yourself isn't selfish. It is, if I may say so, more clever in the long run. That way, you will be able to care for yourself and others, including your husband. To help with the decision, you can make a list of what's best for your husband and what's best for you. You may find those lists overlap more than you think.

If that doesn't help you, maybe a few therapy sessions can be useful to sort through these difficult emotions and practical options. Hope you feel better

cdgbdr · 2:09PM

Annie51

I experience all the same feelings. My DH was placed in MC September 3rd. I second guess myself for all the reasons you mentioned, but I followed through as home care giving fell apart and I still work with no desire to stop. It's hard but I deal with it day by day. It's not selfish but we're prone to feeling that way.

cdgbdr · 2:09PM

CindyBum · 4:59PM

Annie51…you and I are about in that same indecisive and guilty place about placing my DW. So many others have it much worse and are hanging in there, but I just had another full night of a wandering wife keeping me awake all night and I think, "how long can I do this?". It's only been 3 times so far, if you want to know the depth of my lameness. She's still up now and full of energy somehow and I just want to run for the hills and never come back. Stage 6 is no joke

I'm about to make appointments again at a couple of MC facilities. Perhaps I'm better prepared to handle that now than I was 6 months ago.

PlentyQuiet · 6:29PM

For various reasons we are planning to keep DH at home until the end (currently on hospice). He is about halfway through a two week respite because I was breaking under the caregiving load.

Hospice has been checking on him and there is nothing but positive reports about how he is doing there. If it were financially doable I think I would make the move for it to be a permanent placement.

Maybe try a respite stay and see how he does. And how you do. Also remember that nothing is a final decision. You can change MC facilities, or even bring him home again if things are not working out.

But start with a respite stay and see how it goes

annie51 · 7:00PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253882#Comment_253882

His wandering is one of the reason I’m thinking about this. I lock the special locks at night but keep them open during the day. He is constantly going out the front door and every time he does I have to check to see if he’s walking away and I have to chase after him. Hard for me to use the bathroom, cook, or anything else. I don’t feel right locking him in but it’s hard keeping track of him all the time. My favorite MC has a walking path all around the building that the residents can access on their own anytime.

annie51 · 7:02PM

I think a respite stay is a good idea. The MC offers a “trial month” before you have to pay the community fee. I’ll definitely look into that. Thank you @PlentyQuiet for reminding me it’s never a final decision.

harshedbuzz · 7:55PM

@annie51

I toured a dozen facilities ahead of crafting my Plan B. Most of them touted an outdoor area as a selling point; in the free-standing MCFs this area tended to be as you describe— a secure landscaped area that wraps around much of the building. IMO, this was a poor design as there were blind spots where a PWD could fall or be assaulted without anyone seeing.

IME, these were never accessible at all times. LOL, I checked the doors when I toured. Because the residents need to be protected against sunburn, extreme heat, cold and well checks need to be done in the outdoor area every 20 minutes while accessible, they rarely are. When the weather was nice at the rehab/SNF dad spent some time in, family could ask to bring their LO outside with the assumption we'd be watching to keep him safe.

HB

Still waffling on MC placement

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