Patience...

…I'm out of it.

I’ve heard it said that resilience is a virtue, and in my current position, I really need it to be. For the past three years, my husband has had an official diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, but looking back, I realize the signs were there for years before. I had no idea what I was getting into. Now that we're here, I understand I'm still in the early stages, but it already feels like I'm running on empty.

I've been through the terrifying rants of agitation that had me at my wit's end. Medication has worked miracles in that regard, and I pray that relief lasts. Another milestone was when he lost his driver’s license. He's still not over it, but at least he's no longer raging at me, blaming me for it. My family—his kids and my daughter—are finally starting to truly understand what's going on, which is heartbreaking but also a lifeline for me.

To be closer to our six grandchildren, we just moved across the country after 32 years in the same house. The move was monumental, and I was shocked at how much I was capable of doing. I succeeded in so many ways and failed in others—enough to knock the wind out of me when I couldn’t afford to lose my momentum.

Now we're here, in our new home, and I've realized I haven't had a chance to recalibrate. My husband is doing surprisingly well, considering the upheaval, but I haven't even had a moment to think about my own reactions to it all because I'm still so busy. The to-do list is endless: finding new doctors and insurance providers, locating pharmacies, and furnishing the house, all while dealing with the constant unexpected emergencies like appliance problems, plumbing issues, and billing errors. And I'm doing it all by myself.

I keep thinking it will get better, but deep down I know it won't. This is my new normal. The "to-do" list only gets longer, all while I'm trying to cope with his disease progression. He was never one for self-initiative or hobbies, and now that's even more true. He's restless and bored, and he expects me to entertain him. He wants me to take him places or find things for him to do, but I can't. Frankly, I won't. I'm too busy, and I'm not going to lie—I want my own life, too.

I'm out of bandwidth. I have no more to give. How does anyone handle this with grace?