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Meeting with friends?

Stan2
Stan2 Member Posts: 134
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

My DW and I are traveling in our RV and find ourselves close to a couple who we first met over 50 years ago. He and I worked together, our kids were the same ages and attended school together. Although we live two states apart now and have for 25 yearswe have visited in person every few years stayed in touch online.

The last time we saw them DW had yet to be diagnosed but I was starting to see concerning signs. She is now firmly in stage 4 with basically no short term memory. I also understand that my friend is having cognitive issues, but not sure how far along. His wife told me online he is unable to use his phone or computer anymore. When I last heard from her she had yet to take him to a physician and he was receiving no treatment.

I am struggling with the idea of going to see them since we are so close. DW and I discussed it and she says since he was such a good friend of mine we should, but I am afraid it will just be too much for DW and my friend both. I don't want to create a situation that just makes everybody sad. Maybe we should just leave well enough alone. If I decide to skip it I doubt that DW will remember that a visit was even possible and the only one upset will be me.

Thoughts?

Comments

  • trottingalong
    trottingalong Member Posts: 753
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    I agree with @Chammer. We know our neighbors up the road and her husband has been ill for awhile and now has Alzheimer’s on top of that. She knew about my DH. We occasionally see each other and tell stories about the things our spouses come up with. Some make us laugh and I tell you it sure is nice to find humor with someone who understands. You may find that it may be good for you seeing your old friends.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 2,199
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    I would have a frank discussion with your friend’s wife to get an idea of how far along he is. Sounds like stage 3-4 at least? I would also explain your DWs stage and memory loss. Will she even remember them? I would plan on a quick visit and be prepared to leave if you need to. It may be your last visit there.

  • wose
    wose Member Posts: 260
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    I agree with trottingalong, it might be really good for you and your friends DW to commiserate. You might be surprised too by the reaction old friends can muster in us. Old wonderful memories are the best medicine. It might be worth the risk.

  • Biggles
    Biggles Member Posts: 507
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    I agree with trottingalong too. Since I opened up and let people know what was going on we have had such kindness shown by old friends and new friends. It’s scary, go gently and just be prepared to withdraw if things don’t go well.

  • Biggles
    Biggles Member Posts: 507
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  • Michele P
    Michele P Member Posts: 93
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    I am agreeing with the advice you have been given here. I would have a frank discussion with his wife about both of your spouse’s conditions. It will be a good to see old friends. If you know what to expect, it will be a good visit. Keep the time of the visit short for the first time to see how it goes. You can always stay longer if it’s going well. When we have old friends visiting, i speak to them in advance so that they understand what is going on. Company in the home for a few days disrupts the daily routine and causes agitation in my husband.

  • BikingOldMan
    BikingOldMan Member Posts: 14
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254162#Comment_254162

    Absolutely go for it! Keeping it short and comfortable is important, but I am sure the visit will be supportive for both you and your friends wife. If it doesn’t work out then chalk it up to the ALZ and move on. I saw my friend the evening before he passed, it was a great support for me and for his wife to have me there when I was.

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 5,731
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    @Stan2

    When I moved my parents back to this area, they started in a 55+ apartment complex. One afternoon, they were out on their balcony and looked across to find one of dad's old golf buddies, and former dentist, waving at them. Dad and his wife were both middle stages by that point. They went out to dinner occasionally which was nice. Mom enjoyed not having to explain or be on edge and she got to spend time socializing.

    HB

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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