I need a hug please

wose · September 22

So today is our Wedding Anniversary and he wants a divorce again. I didn’t say anything cause he’s been tormenting me since I woke up. It hurts cause I asked him if he’d like to go away for one night and he said no. Then unbeknownst to me he asked his friend to come in without my knowledge. So now the two of them are going away for a night. He invited him to stay with us for 3 days plus the one they’ll be gone. I also was informed that he invited his other friend ( and his wife ) from CA to stay with us in early October for 4 nights. DH hasn’t seen them in 10 years So now we have two childhood friends coming in … one in 1 day and 2 more in 2 weeks. I don’t know how I’m going to manage this. I just replaced all the copper pipes and the dry wall guys will finish in a couple days. The house is a disaster. These people from CA .. I don’t even know . What are they going to think of my messy house. I know I can’t do it all. The mouse guy had to come back today and I have new furniture being delivered Wednesday and I just want to give up! What is wrong with people….they all know he’s firmly in stage 5. Why wouldn’t they have run all this by me awhile ago. What the Sam Hell am I going to do? It’s only little old me with two busted up knees and hands. I did quietly make him his favorite dinner but he wanted to eat alone😪 I’m just so beyond sad and now….stressed.

BikingOldMan · September 22

((HUG))

Victoriaredux · September 22

I'm sorry his friends either don't know or care about his health & your situation dealing with the house repairs.

If you haven't already maybe game plan the future when he needs more care than "little old me with two busted up knees and hands." can provide. Do you have your legal documents in place? A plan for placement —and considering his lack of understanding and judgement how and when you separate him from financial assets. What if he plays BMOC and pays all the hotel and meal tabs for his "friends"? Do you trust them to not having him write them checks as gifts?

Looked back and saw you've had physical aggression from him too- don't know if you had him see a geriatric psych unit to have meds adjusted since but things probably won't get better in the future….

You are doing an amazing job but at what point can you safely transition to him getting more outside help or placement?

[I hope he isn't still driving.]

ladyzetta · September 22

((((((((Wose)))))))) please remember he is very confused. Is there anyway you can contact the, California friends and explaine to them, before they come? Maybe they will decide not to come. Enjoy that evening relaxing, when he goes away with his friend. I'm sure his friend will understand the situation your having at home. Sounds like the October, stay, will be hard on you.

If they all know he's in stage 5, they will understand and may even help you. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs Zetta

l7pla1w2 · September 22

Agree with @ladyzetta: Try to contact the CA friends. Explain that you just can't handle a visit right now. Have them contact DH and say they can't make it, using some fiblet.

Maybe you can contact the other friend and suggest a shorter, or no, stay. I wonder how that "going away for a night" would work out. Is DH even capable of managing a night on his own? If not, you might want to encourage the other friend to bail out also.

Be sure that the friends who cancel (if they do) do not mention you at all. You want the onus to be on them for cancelling.

wose · September 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254240#Comment_254240

Thank you…. No driving for over a year now. He asked me to take him to the beer distributor today and when I declined he stormed out and asked a neighbor, which he never did or I think would ever do in normal times. All docs are in order, I’m probably not seeing or accepting his obvious progression. Sometimes kind people like you remind me. I’m having a hard time finding a g psych guy cause he only wants to see a “man” dr.

RetiredTeacher · September 23

When his friend takes him for an overnight I'd spend the day at a day spa, pamper myself and buy a nice bottle if wine and a good steak to eat by myself. Save yourself. Celebrate any time alone you can get. I haven't had a day alone at home in over 13 yrs! I'd pamper myself and worry about all tge rest later.

annie51 · September 23

((HUG)) That’s a lot to deal with. Looks like you’ve gotten some good advice here. So sorry about the way your anniversary turned out - you did your best.

Goodlife2025 · September 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254249#Comment_254249

Just a thought but the friends in CA may have not made a plan to stay at all. My DW in stage 5 can confuse the simplest of plans. I would reach out privately and discuss what exactly is the plan made and make adjustments that work for you.

Goodlife2025 · September 23

And yes so sorry this was your anniversary. Noting that DW is losing all track of time is one thing but it is often the reality of what that looks like; forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, even holidays is really where the heartache lies.

Chance Rider · September 23

Wose, I’m so sorry for the hurt and anxiety you’re experiencing. Our past 2 anniversaries and countless birthdays and holidays have come and gone without a word from my husband. Even though intellectually I know it’s the disease, emotionally it still hurts.

One thought I’ll add to the great advice you’ve received here is don’t stress about the condition of your house.

{{{Hugs}}}
~Eve

SDianeL · September 23

so sorry. I would talk to his friend and explain your DH behaviors to make sure he understands his responsibility will be to care for him and keep him safe. If he can’t do that, insist that he makes up an excuse, and backs out of the overnight trip and leaves. I would worry about your husband using credit cards or debit cards on a trip. Would the friend take advantage of your husband? If he agrees to your terms, then take a day to rest and relax. I would also contact the CA friends and in great detail explain your husbands behaviors. Explain that you are unable to have visitors at this time. Tell them about your home. Don’t hold back. Ask them to make up an excuse to your husband why they can’t come and don’t tell him you contacted them. Explain that it’s the compassionate thing for them to do. Take charge but don’t discuss with your DH. Do it behind the scenes. Hugs. 💜

trottingalong · September 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254249#Comment_254249

This made me sad for you Wose. You have not had it easy. I had to contact my husbands brother privately to explain what is going on because he was saying stuff that was creating problems. If you can, I would contact the California people. Take care. Wish I could just give you a hug.

Bailey's Mom · September 23

Oh, Wose…what a terrible dilemma. I know hard it is when your DH is so easily agitated…I'm in the same situation and it can be very scary.

For what it's worth, here's what I would do. I would definitely contact the CA friends and tell them what stage your DH is in. I'd explain that you've been doing repairs on the house and it can't be put in shape to have guests and that you are not entertaining at this time…find a local motel and refer them to it if they insist on coming. If you have access to your DH's credit cards online you can put a freeze on them or set a very low limit in case he wants to impress them with dinner's out or gifts. As another poster mentioned…the CA couple may not even have plans to visit at all.

As far as the days away with friends…as long as they know they will have to take care of him…enjoy the solitude and worry about the fallout later. I have recently come to the conclusion that trying to fix the drama of the day is a fruitless waste of effort…a new one will just replace it tomorrow.

Good luck to you on this one…

Chris20cm · September 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74172/i-need-a-hug-please

Here's a big hug:

blob:https://alzconnected.org/bcee1c4b-1939-45c5-8dc2-72174f0010a4

harshedbuzz · September 23

@wose said:

All docs are in order, I’m probably not seeing or accepting his obvious progression. Sometimes kind people like you remind me. I’m having a hard time finding a g psych guy cause he only wants to see a “man” dr.

Finding a geri psych can be challenging in many places. Often such physicians have NPs covering appointments and many of them are women. Your only option to make this happen might be geri spych admission via the emergency department during an episode of agitation. He wouldn't necessarily have male physicians providing care, but he'd be in a place where he'd get the help he needs. If you are anticipating MC in the future, a direct transfer from the geripsych unit with help of the social worker is generally the easiest way to make this happen.

HB

Chris20cm · September 23

blob:https://alzconnected.org/fe49b7a4-3de0-4924-8982-6679070b20c0

Not sure if you will get this.. It's a picture of a great big hug but it doesn't seem to go through. I can dm it to you if you like. But just know that we understand and care.

Michele P · September 23

I would contact the friends and explain the situation. I don’t think it is safe for him going away without you.

Palmetto Peg · September 23

I'm definitely with the side that says call the CA friends and explain why you can't host them. They will understand - and it is possible that they didn't agree to come at all. As far as your DH going away overnight with a friend, I would talk to that friend and be sure he understands his responsibility in this. If the friend is okay with it, send your DH with cash, no credit cards. If DH is in stage 5, I can't imagine taking responsibility for his safety if I was this friend. Hopefully, this all goes away and you can relax a little - at least as much as possible with a loved one with dementia. HUGSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CindyBum · September 23

Big hugs!

I need a hug please

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