Feeling useless.



My Dh has ad and vd. Here lately he has been so moody. He'll say he's bored and when I ask were he would like to go or what he would like to do,his answer is "I don't know what it would be. " if I make something to eat healthy hardly eats. Today I ask him if he wanted to go out for lunch,he said he wasn't hungry. An hour later he was making pbj sandwich. I told him I would make something or go get something but he said no. So I'm beginning to feel sorta useless. Can't figure out what's going on with him or if this is just another step down.
Comments
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Could be depression, could be the stage that he is in. All I can really tell you, is don't take it personally. My DH finds it difficult to make decisions ( in stage 4). I offer a choice of 2 things and if he cannot choose, I fix what I think he will eat. If you want to take him out then just say "hey, Dad let;s go get an ice cream…take a little walk…whatever. Be positive but don't depend on him saying yes. See the doc for possible depression.
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My DH has VD from strokes, memory is still pretty good but very flat affect, is sedentary and doesn't initiate anything. He wants for me to tell him what we are doing today, where we are going, etc. I keep asking what he wants to do today, where he wants to go and what he wants to eat. Same answer everytime, I don't know. I'm not sure why I keep asking…probably hoping to have a conversation like we used to. I need to take charge, be in control and make all the plans. I miss the partnership we used to have and the discussions....but that ship has sailed. I now plan the errands we need to do and tell him where we are going. I plan dinners with healthier ingredients, things I want to eat and he eats them. We have to realize we are in this alone, the captains of our ships and our co-captains can't help us anymore.
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Maru
Your Dh sounds exactly like mine. So yes that's what I'll start doing.
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I just wanted to say that I think I understand and feel where you are coming free. I will kindly follow your post. All the best to you & your DH.
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there are 3 reasons why a PWD behaves this way. 1) they can’t reason so they can’t make decisions. 2) they can’t remember how to do things. 3) they can’t remember when they last ate or what they ate. One other thing is that many crave sweets as their taste changes. I stopped giving my DH choices. I knew what my DH liked so I made it. When we still went out to eat, I chose the place and told him shortly before we left. When we arrived I looked at the menu and chose his meal and ordered for him. To answer your question I would say it’s the progression.
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Sounds just the same as my DH. I have to call all the shots on everything, it’s just the way it has to be to make my life liveable and not be stressed or frustrated with it. It started when I had to do all the driving now about 5 or 6 years ago, I wanted to be taken out to dinner or to the movies, I realised if I didn’t drive we wouldn’t be going, I thought that was hard and here we are, me making every single decision. It’s empowering now I’ve accepted it. I try to make decisions with love and happiness, most times with my DH front and centre. We have always had a peaceful existence and that is what I want to continue. My suggestion is think for him don’t give him too much choice they can’t reason anymore. Take care.
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I would say take comfort in the fact that he is still able to answer you and to do something for himself, like make a sandwich. You need to enjoy the fact that he can still do this. Soon you will be doing everything.
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My Dh is stage 7 now and looking back at our journey when he was in the earlier stages not giving him choices and making all the decisions was one of the hardest lesson I had to learn. Stay calm and carry on!
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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