Guilt and Grief

JDorriety · September 21

My wife of 47 years died from Alzheimer’s in July 2025 on her 75th birthday. I was her only caregiver for the past 10 years. During the last 12 months or more of her life I prayed and asked others to pray for me to have more patience and understanding of her affliction. I knew at times I was being impatient and knew it was my own fault. Now I live in constant guilt, knowing I could have done better. I loved my wife dearly and still do. I wish God would have taken me at the same time. I am hoping to hear from others who had/have similar experiences. I really wish I knew my wife’s possible thoughts during her last days but I know that’s a question no one could possibly answer.

JDorriety · September 22

JulietteBee · September 22

I am so saddened to hear of your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences.

As I am sure you are aware, guilt serves only to intensify your grief.

Trust that you did the best you could do for your wife, against unimaginable odds.

Not to be disrespectful of our LOs with Dementia, but your wife most likely had mentally checked out over a year ago.

Hearing is the last to go, yes! You may have told her all the "I love yous" and she would not have comprehended what your words meant.

Perhaps you should seek a grief counselor to help you as you embark on your grief journey. 🙏🏽

JDorriety · September 23

Your input was helpful and I am working on finding an appropriate forum for grieving the loss of a loved one through Alzheimer’s. Thank you.

fmb · September 24

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife. Please know that these feelings of guilt are perfectly normal and fairly common. As a mental health professional told me, you did the best you could with the information and resources you had available and the emotional capacity you had at the time. That last part is very important. Being a caregiver for someone with dementia, whether they are in your home or a facility, is a very stressful situation. Fatigue, grief, anxiety, and a host of other emotions weigh heavily on caregivers. None of us are perfect. I am certain your wife and God both understand that and have forgiven you for your lapses in patience. I am praying that you come to forgive yourself, too. (((hugs)))

SDianeL · September 25

I am so sorry for your loss. I believe that most of us as caregivers have perceived guilt that we didn't do enough. It never seemed to be enough. I have guilt that I had to place my husband in memory care due to my cancer diagnosis. I felt like I let him down. Logically I know that's not true but the guilt still surfaces at times. Try to focus on the overall care you gave her for 10 years, and not those times of impatience due to mental & physical exhaustion that caregiving causes. None of us are perfect. Give yourself grace and know that you did the best you could. I believe that although they can no longer communicate at the end, they know that you are someone they love and someone that loves them. My husband hadn't communicated in weeks and one day shortly before he passed, I patted his arm and said I love you honey, and he opened his eyes, looked at me in the eyes and said "I love you too Babe"… Those are the last words he ever said to me. I'll cherish them forever. I'm praying for your comfort and peace in knowing that you did the best you could. 🙏💜

troubledone · September 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254511#Comment_254511

That's a great story. I'm glad that those are your last words you heard from him. :D

CampCarol · September 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74162/guilt-and-grief

DH passed in June and not a day goes by that I don't feel guilty, disappointed, or just downright angry at myself for what I did or didn't do. I can't even remember what his last words were. So many things could have gone differently, and of course, hindsight is 20-20. I have read what others have written on this forum, (including the above), and right now, it's not helping. I am still reliving traumatic events daily and don't know how I will ever forgive myself. I do believe that what they all say is true: time will help with these feelings. They won't ever go away, but the blade will be dulled, and I will hopefully be able to look ahead with a better mindset. Please know that you're not alone in this situation or your thoughts.

I too am having trouble reading posts from people still "in the trenches" and I am hoping this discussion page picks up some more participation. I am so sorry we all have to be here but reading what everybody is going through is a comfort to me.

JDorriety · October 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254476#Comment_254476

Thank you.

JDorriety · October 1

Such a wonderful memory to have. Thank you for your thoughts.

howhale · October 8

I am heading into two months since the loss of my dear wife. I too find my days and nights overcome with regret and guilt for my failings as her caregiver. Hindsight is 20/20 they say but now I wish hindsight was blind. It is the looking back at what I could have or should have done differently that consumes my memories now. I look at photos of happy times, I get a very brief moment of joy at her smile and then it fades again as I think of the times I could have possibly helped her smile again until the end. I know I did my best but that rationale does not help overcome the regrets. The regrets weigh more heavily because I cannot any longer talk to her, hold her hand, look into her eyes and tell her how sorry I am that I failed her too many times. I cannot look for her face to tell me that she understands and knows I did my best. Now, in the grief, I will never believe that I did my best. My personal acknowledgement means little because it is her acknowledgement that I can not achieve. Family and friends continue to applaud me and tell me what a great job I did but they will never understand all that transpires behind the scenes of their brief visits. I don't need them to know the details but, absent the details, they cannot know why I feel this way. I will just go day to day hoping that time does help heal some of the pain.

Quilting brings calm · October 9

—I too am having trouble reading posts from people still "in the trenches—

I have trouble too but I think it’s different trouble. It’s so frustrating to me that everyone has to ‘reinvent the wheel’. After all these years there’s still no help navigating this disease. Everyone has to learn everything on their own or through forums like this. So many members having to ask the same questions because their doctors are no help. So many people looking for a cure and having to come to terms with the fact there isn’t one. So many members having to work through all the daily issues and having to come to terms with the realities. It’s just so sad.

midge333 · October 19

We are all human and imperfect. As caregivers, we did the best we could given our limitations. Please extend the grace to yourself that you would freely give to others in your situation.

Guilt and Grief

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