Guilt and Grief

I am so saddened to hear of your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences.

As I am sure you are aware, guilt serves only to intensify your grief.

Trust that you did the best you could do for your wife, against unimaginable odds.

Not to be disrespectful of our LOs with Dementia, but your wife most likely had mentally checked out over a year ago.

Hearing is the last to go, yes! You may have told her all the "I love yous" and she would not have comprehended what your words meant.

Perhaps you should seek a grief counselor to help you as you embark on your grief journey. 🙏🏽

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife. Please know that these feelings of guilt are perfectly normal and fairly common. As a mental health professional told me, you did the best you could with the information and resources you had available and the emotional capacity you had at the time. That last part is very important. Being a caregiver for someone with dementia, whether they are in your home or a facility, is a very stressful situation. Fatigue, grief, anxiety, and a host of other emotions weigh heavily on caregivers. None of us are perfect. I am certain your wife and God both understand that and have forgiven you for your lapses in patience. I am praying that you come to forgive yourself, too. (((hugs)))

That's a great story. I'm glad that those are your last words you heard from him. :D

I am heading into two months since the loss of my dear wife. I too find my days and nights overcome with regret and guilt for my failings as her caregiver. Hindsight is 20/20 they say but now I wish hindsight was blind. It is the looking back at what I could have or should have done differently that consumes my memories now. I look at photos of happy times, I get a very brief moment of joy at her smile and then it fades again as I think of the times I could have possibly helped her smile again until the end. I know I did my best but that rationale does not help overcome the regrets. The regrets weigh more heavily because I cannot any longer talk to her, hold her hand, look into her eyes and tell her how sorry I am that I failed her too many times. I cannot look for her face to tell me that she understands and knows I did my best. Now, in the grief, I will never believe that I did my best. My personal acknowledgement means little because it is her acknowledgement that I can not achieve. Family and friends continue to applaud me and tell me what a great job I did but they will never understand all that transpires behind the scenes of their brief visits. I don't need them to know the details but, absent the details, they cannot know why I feel this way. I will just go day to day hoping that time does help heal some of the pain.