attend a wedding?

persevere · September 28

Looking for your thoughts. My DW of 40 years is well into her late stages. Right now her stage consists of constant jabbering and pacing. It's even gotten to the point where she does it when we go to a restaurant or other places. Her niece is getting married in a couple weeks and of course we have invitations. I already bailed on one wedding several months ago of my brother's step son which required travel to Atlanta and a very formal wedding. Just too much to deal with. This one is local. We could try but I am so afraid she will be disruptive and will be a detraction on this very special day for her niece. But then there's that feeling, which I know we all run into, of denying her an opportunity. But honestly, even when we are with our own kids, she becomes hard to handle sometimes. Thinking we'd just go to an apartment we rent over by our kids which is about 5 hrs away for the weekend so we don't get caught up in the stuff. I'd be interested in your thoughts and stories.

BethL · September 28

Do not take her. The constant jabbering and pacing will be disruptive to the wedding and that is not fair to the bride, groom and other guests.

Jgirl57 · September 28

I agree, do not take her. The different environment will also be a factor . Perhaps a day or two before hand you could arrange a short visit with the bride to be. I wanted my DH to have a nice Father’s Day visit with daughter and grandsons and it was a disaster and the grandkids ended up upset. Our hearts want our loved ones to have the opportunities , but reality is, it is too overwhelming for all involved .

CindyBum · September 28

I would not take her, if it were me.

cdgbdr · September 28

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she should attend. Perhaps she could visit briefly with the bride but would she even remember or know her? If you would like to go, can someone stay with her?

cavenson · September 28

I agree that it would not be a good idea to take her to the wedding. However, if the reception is not a formal sit-down dinner, you may consider taking her to that if it seems like she's having a good day. That way, she could still have the benefit of seeing family; and you could leave the reception at any time.

Shumila Abidi · September 28

It all depends on the question how she feels and behaves around family and strangers?.if it make her feel good and distract her for a little bit take her also it would be good for your mental health too, being a caregiver we often forget about our needs and feelings so you should think about that as well.

Sunfish47 · September 28

As DW has progressed to the point that dining inside restaurants is now no longer possible, it’s just not fair to the bride and groom to bring her to their wedding. This day should be about the happy young couple, and not yr wife’s condition and that she might become an object of ridicule to those not sympathetic to her situation.

SDianeL · September 28

I would not take her. No need to cause her anxiety and chance spoiling the wedding for others. She's not going to remember it anyway. Can you have someone Facetime you and watch it at home??

Michele P · September 28

No, do not take her. You could ruin the wedding.

Biggles · September 28

i like the idea of videoing or facetimimg the wedding. i wouldn't take her.

Michele P · September 29

When we got married, we used an app that allowed guests and us to upload pictures and videos of the entire day. All guests could see everything that was uploaded and print pictures. A few guests Face Timed another relative who could not attend. This could be a better option.

SiberianIris · September 29

Don't take her. Neither of you will have a good time. The jabbering and pacing you describe when you take her out sounds to me like she is uncomfortable, and she is trying to self soothe through these behaviors.

New places with lots of people and noise can be upsetting to someone with dementia because their brains struggle to process all the stimuli. Even for people with dementia who are still very verbal, there can be situations where they are unable to articulate that they are uncomfortable, and so their effort to communicate comes out in behaviors instead.

By not taking her, you are not denying her an opportunity, you are protecting her.

Leesee · September 29

I agree with everyone's opinion - you should not take your DW to this wedding.

I'll add another reason that I deal with, not sure if this happens to others: The day after an event with family or friends, my DH is markedly worse than usual. I believe the strength it takes for him to showtime while we are with others exhausts him to the core. The day after an event is usually awful for me and for him.

I can't imagine taking him to a wedding with that many people, loud music etc.…I think he would be in a confused/angry stupor for days.

Kellybelle · September 29

I understand the comments about not taking your DW, I too, have been married 40 years to my DH and just recently had to go to a wedding alone for the 1st time. Going alone after so many years of together is tough, but if you would enjoy it, do it for you! I was surprised how refreshed I felt after going. I had dreaded it for so long. I say, if she's having a good day, take her and make arrangements with your kids/family that if she gets "antsy", someone take her outside of the church. Or maybe just go the the reception, where you don't have to worry so much about silence. I hope you find your answer and that it's one you are comfortable in choosing. God bless!

11swans · September 29

I'm brand new here, but I'd encourage you to rely on your compelling feelings: would you prefer to attend or not? If you would like to be there, then perhaps it's worth making the effort and taking the risk. However, if the idea exhausts you, then it's likely that a pass is a reasonable decision.

Scooterr · September 29

perseverse it sounds like you already know the answer to your question

persevere · September 30

Thanks for all the feedback. Yes scooter, I do think I already know.

attend a wedding?

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