Wanting to go home

Cat K · September 30

Does it ever end, talking about going home? DH says "I need to head to the house" or "I need to go home." Please tell me it will stop. It's driving me crazy.

Metta · September 30

It stopped for us. DH is now mostly nonverbal and cannot walk. The only thing he said to me today was “go away” when I tried to help him use the urinal before bed. He just stared into space most of the day, refusing most liquids and 50% of his regular food intake.

So yes, it goes away to be replaced by something equally unnerving.

annie51 · October 1

I hear ya! It was most every day for a while with my DH, now it’s only some days. I agree it drives you crazy, Iike so many other things! I just say “it’s dark now, we can just stay here tonight” and that works most times. With the darkness coming earlier and earlier, I can use that answer more often. 😉

Cat K · October 1

It's very hard to come up with something to redirect or distract him. Today it's been raining, and when he said "I need to head to the house" it was easier, telling him it's raining and getting dark, and it's too late. I never thought I'd appreciate rainy days and shorter days. I realize now my post probably sounded whiny. I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Tomorrow's another day 🙄

persevere · October 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254990#Comment_254990

No, don’t say it’s time to put on your big girl pants! It’s not whiny. That’s what others who do not understand say. Every day I ask myself - is this really happening? It’s a nightmare with a few pleasant dreams all in one. Yes, you have to persevere. But do not criticize yourself for expressing your feelings.

Cat K · October 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254992#Comment_254992

I appreciate your post. We're all in the same boat…or is it the Titanic? I'm grateful for this forum, and everyone here, where people with with the same experiences can help each other along the way.💝

tonyac2 · October 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254995#Comment_254995

I don’t remember who said it, but someone posted, we’re all in the same storm just different boats. I love that and so very true. My very first post was about my DH asking to go home. I got great advice and feedback. I don’t know what I’d do without this place… so many helpful, smart people. He still says he wants to go home but not as often or everyday. Something must have settled or changed in him.

Metta · October 1

You are not being whiny at all. You are loving and doing your best, as we all try to do.

We have only lived in this house for 5 years, so I created a script I repeated often, and always when DH would start the “I want to go home” talk before it would turn into heading for the door, very dangerous this summer with 110 degree heat.

Me: “You were so smart to buy this house 5 years ago. It is the perfect home for us. You sold your house in _____, and bought this one. I love living in ______ now. You are a smart man! How did you know this would be the perfect house for us?!”

If he got to the door, I would use the weather as a deterrent: “You don’t want to have another heart attack in this heat and go to the hospital. We hate the hospital.”

Sometimes I could redirect him to his den with all his mementos and wallet, and family photos for him to “sit for a minute and look around.” Rummaging was safer than wandering.

If he got out of the door, rarely but it did happen, I followed with the wheelchair until he was about to fall, and then I wheeled him home.

We are fortunate to be in a gated community. It is like a huge memory care facility with sidewalks that just go around golf courses in circles.

And know that this stage will end, as they all do, and you will face the next challenge.

Hugs and love to you.

harshedbuzz · October 1

@Cat K

There are certain behaviors that "on paper" sound kind of ridiculous like repetitive questions or shadowing that are very, very challenging to live with 24/7. Please extend yourself some grace.

Metta is correct that behaviors do tend to fade and be replaced by new awful behaviors and losses. FWIW, I found the middle stages the hardest as an assistant caregiver. What came after was sad, but easier in some respects because redirection and distraction worked reliably.

HB

jgreen · October 1

To all of you - God bless you! This is my very first post and I spent about an hour hunting for instructions on how to enter the conversation!
My DH diagnosed With AD in May 2024. It’s been a year and a half of adjustments! From what I’ve read he’s in middle stage and exhibiting many behaviors and mannerisms each of you described.
This morning I started searching for mental health counselors for ME as I am stressed and just feeling overwhelmed! This discussion helped me start to climb out of this ‘funk’. Thank you!
To Metta and Kat - Most days I try to remind myself that I would rather see him agitated and have some fight left in him because I know the hard part is yet to come.
I say lots of prayers and try to find those quiet moments where I can stop and recharge. You all are now in my prayers too.
Take care.

SDianeL · October 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/255024#Comment_255024

welcome! Sorry about your DH’s diagnosis. I don’t know what I would have done without the help and support I received from the people in this community. Come here often. We understand what you’re going through. 💜

Denise1847 · October 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74253/wanting-to-go-home

Hi Cat, If it helps any, I have been told that going home to a dementia victim means a place of comfort and peace. My DH has been in memory care for a year and he still asks in a word salad kind of way. It still kills me to hear those words. When this happens, I have to remind myself that I cannot take care of him in a safe way for both of us. I have become the parent and him, the child. Just like when you have had to redirect your child because that is what our loved ones become. You are not alone. Be strong and know you will get through this.

howhale · October 2

Like some others, I too found the middle stages of this disease to be the most difficult because my dear wife was still pretty mobile, could still speak clearly and still rejected that she had any impairment at all. She wanted to "go home" on so many occasions, often preparing her purse, packing clothes, etc. At that point in our travel down this path I had yet to learn about this forum and, of course, none of the doctors ever mentioned it as a resource. Redirection helped when I could find another subject or activity she would accept. Just patiently listening and letting her go on and on until her brain shifted gears suddenly worked sometimes. Letting her "research" documents (driver's license, address cards, mail addresses, her own address book, etc.) to prove to me she had another house until she could not and tired of the exercise and moved on. It seemed to last forever but, in reality and the benefit of hindsight, it did not really. She moved past it on her own time and it just basically fell by the wayside and was replaced by the next challenge in this ever changing path. Patience, redirection, allowing some freedom to "prove" they have another address, etc. are some of the "tricks" we play to protect our loved one. For all the coaching we do as parents for our children growing up to be honest, tell the truth, do not lie, this disease calls upon us to break all the rules to protect and care for our loved one. I can only looking back now reconcile that it was for her, not to her.

Wanting to go home

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