He won’t go to the bathroom
My DH is recently incontinent. Luckily I’ve been able to get him to wear depends. But lately he just will not go to the bathroom. He’ll go hours without urinating (or I guess urinating in the depends). When he acts like he needs to go, I ask him if he needs to use the bathroom and he says, yes where do I go? I take him to the bathroom but by the time we get there he either says he doesn’t need to go or he just sits on the toilet with his pants on, then gets up. Only when he feels his pants wet because the depends are full can I get him to take them off. He lets me help sometimes but fights me out of the room other times. I try to stay calm and I’ve tried to find videos to help, but I’m at a loss as to what else to try.
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It’s a difficult situation I hope I never get to. It may be time to seek income care or place him in a memory care facility. Once your DH crosses the anger/violent line, it’s time to have someone more experienced with these issues take over to keep you out of danger. We are playing for you and he, stay in touch here. We can help.
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My wife is not exactly incontinent but does get confused about whether she needs to go. Sometimes, if I know she hasn’t gone in a while I have her sit for a minute before getting right back up. Sometimes that works. You have to remember, most men have prostate issues. He may need more time to go.
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You’re correct about giving him time, which I’ve tried to do when he actually does begin to urinate. And I try to give him some privacy for a bit before “helping”. But the issue is him not even wanting to get to the toilet. He’ll see the bathroom and refuse to go in. 😞
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I help my DH with bathroom issues. He has only has a hand full of times when he didn’t make it to the toilet. That being said, I always have to show him where the bathroom is and I ask him if he needs help. Sometimes he says no, sometimes he’s confused and I literally talk him through the steps. He doesn’t resist my help which is good. But I have made it a point to always tell him that I am happy to help him and always near by to help him if he needs me. So far we are doing okay together. As I say that I have to mention that we have recently increased the amount of Seroquel given each day, as he was more agitated in the evenings and I couldn’t redirect etc. So the Seroquel helps to keep my DH where he is pretty cooperative.
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Do you think he would use a urinal? This is a tough one.
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The urinal idea Isa good one. We have one in both our vehicles and when he was is the hospital that's the forst thing I mention. My DH is not incontinent, yet. He generally gets to the bathroom and goes independently but he has URGE incontinence. When he needs to urinate he needs to go right now. He can't hold it and sometimes goes while trying to unzip his pants to use the urinal in the car. I thought this was an occasional occurrence but it happens more frequently now. He says he doesn't have to go before leaving the restaurant but less than 5 minutes later he's panicking because he can't unzip his pants fast enough. When I do laundry I noticed every pair of his underwear has urine stains. I now wash his clothing separately. He won't consider wear the special underwear or depends....it's a very touchy subject.
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@RetiredTeacher and @SDianeL. I’m not sure I could get him to use a urinal. Are you talking about the plastic ones like the hospitals have?
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This is the scenario (mutiple times lately). We’re eating a meal. He acts like he needs to go. I get up to show him the bathroom. He goes in. This time he pulls the pants down, not the depends. Sits for a short time, gets up without peeing. I can’t convince him to pull down the depends. We go back to the table. After 3 bites, it’s a rewind and repeat. This time he does pull down both, sits but doesn’t pee. I make sure the door is closed except for a crack, tell him to sit and take his time- no dice. Repeat again 2 times. Last time he takes off the depends and won’t put another one on. He did put on regular underwear so now I’m facing probably a lot of cleaning up of urine until I can try the depnds again. Aaarrgghh!!! Did he forget what to do when he sits on the toilet? How do I keep it together??!!!
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Urinals, we use the cheap plastic ones like the hospital. Sure wish they had screw on lids instead of pop on one's, especially if hubby uses it unassisted. Luckily he only pees a couple of tablespoons at a time. At night he is up/down most of the night peeing. Not sure how much urine he is actually peeing but he very frequently feels the need to pee due to enlarged prostate. Tried meds for overactive bladder but they tanked his BP to alarming levels..so we deal with interrupted sleep every night and he's up for the day by 3:30 am!
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Does he have prostate problems?
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No prostate problems - he had his removed for prostate cancer many years ago. This peeing problem is a very recent development. He’s on a low dose of risperidone and started getting urinary incontinence a few weeks after starting that - I don’t know if that’s coincidence or just the normal progression of the disease.
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Agree with the urinal suggestion…
Urinals can be great in an urgent moment. We used them at first because it was too hard for DH to walk from the bed to the toilet at night. As things progressed, he would just pull it out and go whenever and wherever he was sitting. As soon as I saw him reach inside his pants, I had the urinal ready to “catch” what was coming. If you start getting him comfortable with a urinal now, it could save you a lot of loads of laundry later, furniture and floor cleanup.
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When my dad has b'room issues (and he had a lot of that!) we would take him to the b'room and lightly run the water in the sink which often worked. We also wouldn't talk or do anything to distract him as much as possible (moving around, getting ready to clean him, clothes, etc) was all very distracting and made the 'event' more challenging which would frustrate him. The water worked more times than not - so if it helps you - will be very glad for you!!
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Retired Teacher, can you transition DH to elastic waist pants? It is so much easer and faster, too. He still wears zip pants to go to church, etc….his choice. Otherwise the pull downs are a better option IMO.
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I will give it a try. After his most recent stroke I used sweat pants for him, just so much easier. As soon as he was able to use a zipper and pull on his pants he did not want to wear sweats. He is a creature of habit. Always has been but now it's a whole new level. Nothing new, no changes, does what he knows every day and don't chg the routine. Same thing for breakfast and lunch every day. He can do that himself and I've tried to change it up with disastrous results. I'm glad he can do somethings for himself at this point. With winter coming perhaps I can entice him to wear sweats again. Does anyone have suggestions of comfortable, perhaps stretch material pull on pants with elastic waist for men? Ty for the suggestion.
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Stretch waistband pants for men have come a long way in recent years. There are options that are extremely fashionable and stylish. Myself, I rarely wear pants with zipper and button anymore. If you have a Target nearby, maybe check them out. Also any decent sporting goods store should have a good selection. Maybe if you get him to like how they look and feel, you can have luck with the transition.
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Ty so much for the suggestions. I will look at local stores. I can probably get him to wear them to exercise, riding his etrike. It may be a stretch to get him to wear them for errands or going to lunch out. We will start small and local and see how it goes. Ty
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They make cargo pants that look like regular kaki pants but have elastic waste band.
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I found nice elastic waist cargo pants at Kohl’s. Bonus: when my DH was at fidgety stage he enjoyed zipping and unzipping the pockets.
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Re the sweat pants….or any kind of pants…remember that many men's pants are now made with either the elastic around the ankle, which is a pain to then get over his feet….or with those very narrowed legs which only fit very skinny legs.
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For my DH these Velcro strip pants worked. We’re in a different situation since he can’t walk/stand. These were very helpful for using the urinal while lying down.
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