It’s finally happening. Placing hubby in MC
this week he gets TB screening required and I get medical forms filled out. Date can be as soon as next week. Telling him we are checking out a new building for brain fog care. He calls what he has brainfog. I’ll work out with place to take him somewhere and then I’ll get suitcase from car and leave with them. Any other ideas you may have please share.
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Hugs! So sorry you are at this point. Such an emotional place to be!
I made the choice to stay with my husband the first two nights. I'm thinking back and it was probably more for my emotional wellbeing and not his!0 -
@Katcat
Mom packed up dad's stuff while he napped, and I took it over to the MCF for her and set the room up ahead of time. Since we used a similar fiblet— taking dad to a new doctor to "make sure he was getting best possible care/doctor ordered some rehab at this nice private rehab"— we elected to use their furniture and zhuzh it up with nice new linens. We brought a couple pictures and a throw from home later to make it more homelike. Make sure you label everything and I mean every single thing. Clothes, eye glasses, hearing aids, dentures, family photographs (copies in plastic frames), socks, shoes, etc. Every facility has a few hunter-gathers or shoppers and labeled things are more likely to be returned.
The week before was the hardest for me emotionally. I felt relieved as soon as he was moved in, but mom needed a little time to get used to the change.
The staff met us at the door, and the activities lady whisked him off to introduce him 2 outgoing residents as they started afternoon snack of ice cream. I drove my parents to the MCF which wasn't unusual as I went to all their appointments. After, I brought mom home for dinner with my family. If that doesn't work for you, maybe a friend could meet you after and have dinner with you that first night.
Extend yourself some grace in adjusting especially if your DH doesn't settle in immediately. Dad took a few weeks before he settled in. During that time, I went with mom to keep visits in the more public areas of the facility and physically removed her if he started getting ugly. Within about 2 weeks this wasn't necessary and their relationship actually improved.
HB5 -
sending prayers and strength your way. When we moved my dad into MC we also brought familiar items from home. We created a few jobs for him to do like hanging pictures or deciding where to put his clothes. Anything mechanical was very soothing for him. Honestly, I think the familiar items might have been more for us than for him since he wasn’t able to articulate how he felt about about it. Just be ready and get to know the staff well!!!
we put a whiteboard in the room so we could better keep track of the medication’s because they changed so frequently.
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We spent about 12 hrs/day with him at the MC, but in hindsight, I don’t think that was healthy for any of us.
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DH has been in MC a little over a month now. His sister and I took him there and told him it was for rehab. He had been there once before. We got him into the dining area with a table full of people and left. When he figured it out he was upset but he's settling in. It hasn't been without some bumps but overall better than I expected. I was a mess as was his sister. Between all of us he gets visits 4-5 times a week.
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Hugs that all goes well. When I placed my DH for respite , I set up his room while the staff took him around to meet “ new friends”. I wouldn’t go overboard with possessions and definitely take the empty suitcase back home with you. You can add/subtract things as time goes on.
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sorry you are at this point. I know it’s difficult. Remember you are doing it for him not to him. The facility recommended I wait 2 weeks before visiting. After a week they took him a phone and we talked. When I did visit I would go at mealtime. I left without saying goodbye. Just slipped out and told the nurse and she would distract him with ice cream. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping he settles in quickly. Hugs. 💜
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I brought my husband's things to his room the week before he moved in without him knowing. I was so stressed the week before. On the day of move in I told my DH that we were going to lunch at a new hotel in town. When we got there I let the staff take over. They ushered him to a table with some other residents and I left. I didn't visit for 5 days. He had settled in by that point. He asked to go home, but I said the house was being renovated and he had to stay there for a few days.
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thank you all for your words of encouragement. Hoping next week will be it. I’m definitely not staying there. I want to just drop him off and leave and start the grieving process. Wishing you all a blessed week.
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Sending hugs. I hope it goes well. Let us know.
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had tour this morning. I feel sick to my stomach. The place is fine. Brand new building. But when I saw the bed I thought it’s so small. I guess it’s a twin size. I start changing my mind. Questioning if I’m doing the right thing. Of course I won’t change my mind. Each step gets closer to this being real. This is what it has come too. We had such a nice life. Can’t stop crying.
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feeling overwhelmed. More forms. Copies of stuff much personal information. I’m starting to have second thoughts. The logical me knows it’s best. But not feeling good about this at all.
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help! I’m having second thoughts and feeling overwhelmed. So much paperwork and copies and such personal information they need. Is this normal. Did you feel like not going through with it. Each next step is another knot in my stomach.
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Keep repeating the phrase I’ve seen many times on these boards: “You’re not doing this TO him, you’re doing this FOR him.”
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I’ve heard over and over again that it’s much harder on the caregiver than it is on the spouse. I hope that’s true because I’m about to start on this path to MC also. I like what @MaryMN said about doing it FOR him - I believe my DH will get better care in many ways. I went to a seminar yesterday held at the facility I chose and met several spouses who said it was the right thing to do. I will probably have second thoughts also, but if you decided it was best, then trust your gut that’s it’s the right thing to do.
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it is definitely much work prior to admission . Several times I almost pulled the plug on the respite start( same admission requirements for respite and placement). I was exhausted after all the paperwork /contract signing AND marking his belongings also more stress than I anticipated. Breathe and take it one task at a time. You got this!!!
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I suffered during the time leading up to DH admission. I had many second thoughts and visiting was difficult. Now, he can't discern between me and his sister and for some reason, that makes it easier for me. Stay the course.
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What’s bothering me. Is thinking about him in a strange bed and how he is going to feel. I feel so bad for him. He’s the type that will cry. He is always so confused.
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@Katcat
What you're describing is what I meant in my previous post about the week before being hardest emotionally.
I couldn't sleep and was physically ill feeling. I would compare it to the first time I took my then 8-year-old DS with autism to sleep-away camp. Knowing it was the right decision didn't make it any easier until I saw him settled. Same with dad.
HB4 -
”This is what it has come to. We had such a nice life.”
So heart wrenching.
DH and I had a really good life too. All we can do at this point is put one foot in front of the other and just keep going, making the best decisions we can for our loved ones.
You are doing the right thing for him.2 -
Try to avoid projecting how YOU would feel about what is happening to him. When changes happen, of course, observe how he reacts to what he is experiencing + act accordingly, but how YOU feel is miles away from his feelings. He may barely notice changes in his environment, especially if he is being actively escorted to ALL activities that will be available to him.
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thx The knots in my stomach come and go and this morning they are strong. I just feel so sick. Heartbroken and feeling sad for him. I know it’s a good thing but for now I’m not feeling good.
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I met with my chosen facility today. Cried when she said pick a date. I know I have to do it. talking to the director and the nursing director made me feel more comfortable. I will do a respite month and extend it if he settles in and is happy. I should be brave like you and just do it!
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Another thing I thought about today…my hope is that by taking away the day to day stressors and giving it to the staff, I may get back the good parts of my husband back.
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This is exactly what happened for my mom.
Dad was very reluctant to allow mom to take care of him; he demonstrated this by fighting meds, hydration, meals, exercise, hygiene and sobriety. In MC, he saw the staff as professionals trying to help him and submitted to care.
Once relieved of the rule police, their relationship improved a great deal.
HB4 -
I felt so sick the week before placement I asked my doctor for a sedative. I had so many second thoughts and was completely overwhelmed. Hang in there and go through with the placement. Things will get better.
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thanks for saying that. Bit better when his neurologist told me yesterday to do it. Thx
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Wednesday is the day!3 -
It is hard, and so very emotional! Keep reminding yourself that this is for him. My DH fought it in the beginning, but now he is much calmer and looks forward to seeing me. I am so much better with him when I can get a decent nights' sleep, and have some time to myself. It isn't a permanent decision - if down the road you definitely think he would be better off at home, then you can do that. I'm pretty sure, though, that once you both get settled, you will be comfortable with your decision. Many hugs during this difficult transition!!!
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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