Feeling extremely overwhelmed
I am a 55-year-old female caring for my 80-year-old mother. There are so many things to discuss, so I will try to start small. I live an hour and a half away from her, so expense-wise, and my own extreme anxiety and depression, it is hard to be there all the time. I call her daily to check in, but that conversation always turns ugly. To start, my mother is a hoarder, always has been, so that bothers me because I am afraid she will fall. She is a functional mild cognitive case, although I feel she is declining daily due to her alcohol-related conditions and major depression. However, over the last year, I anonymously reported her to the DMV for her inability to drive correctly. As a result, she was required to undergo medical clearance to retain her license. She failed to make her appointments and, at times, couldn't remember even receiving paperwork about medical clearance. I would remind her, and she would get upset and depressed and drink more. Long story short, because of her procrastination, she lost her license. The day after she lost her license, which she could not remember losing, she was driving around to different stores. I was distraught with her and tried to talk to her about it, but she was in complete denial. As time progressed, she showed more extreme depression, in turn letting her house with her cats get extremely dirty to the point it is literally nonhabitable there are dishes and food items all over her floor even having maggots I have offered many times to help clean and she gets very angry with me about it claiming that it is only clutter. I am at the point I don't want to go into house because of smell and cat poop everywhere. I have threatened to have someone come from office of aging and of course that is a problem because the last time they visited she had a perfect memory day they saw no reason for course of action and her house was not as bad, I have called her lawyer who was appointed POA and he states that he wants nothing to do with my mother because she owes him money and he is sorry he accepted this arrangement I can't afford to hire another attorney to get control pulse she is in denial and does nothing but threaten me at all costs I am her only surviving relative to care for her.
There are so many other things to discuss but I will stop now because as I am even writing this my anxiety is through the roof. If anyone can offer any advice I would so appreciate it
Stacey
Comments
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Your mother needs to be removed from that house and placed in a Medicaid facility for her care. Call the number on this website for assistance.
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Your Mom has Anosognosia is a symptom that makes it difficult or impossible for a person to recognize that they have a health condition, such as a mental illness or a physical impairment. It is not the same as denial, but a neurological inability to perceive the deficit. Causes can range from brain damage, stroke, and head injuries to degenerative diseases like Alzheimer's and schizophrenia. Your Mom is much farther along that you realize. She needs 24/7 care. It's no longer safe for her to live alone. If the attorney was appointed POA is not fulfilling his duty, consulting another elder law attorney is your only option. Try to find a pro bono attorney. Call the Alzheimer's Assoc toll free number 800-272-3900. The might know of other resources in your area. Call the Office of Again again and explain the situation in detail. Tell them your Mom can no longer live alone. Ask them if they know of any pro bono attorneys since the POA attorney won't help. You could try here for legal help:
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my mom does not qualify for Medicaid she gets to much money according to their guidelines and I am on disability myself to afford her care in facility so this as well stresses me out along with the fact that she will forever hate me and cut all ties with me if I do this to her and take her away from her animals believe me I am tormented by this decision and have not been able to be strong enough to take a stand I suppose that is why I am here because maybe I can gain confidence that I need to do this. I ask for no negative responses to this .
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Welcome. No one wants to take independence from their parent and I know first hand how hard it is to have your parent angry mad and barely speaking with you. Most people with dementia don’t recognize they have symptoms, so anger towards the caregiver is very common. I think this is a difficult symptom that most people ( that don’t have experience with dementia) just dont understand. Mom was so angry at me when I moved her to AL. She thought I was just putting her in a home for no reason. It breaks my heart that she thinks I am such a horrible person, but she is in a safe place. It’s ironic that the one person that is working hours to clean her hoarders house, manage her finances and take her to all appointments is blamed for everything. I live about a hour away and the drive is awful. Dementia is about so much more than memory. Poor judgment and inability to plan and organize and prioritize are also common. I would suspect she is probably farther along than you might expect. I will attach a staging tool that might help. Once you get her to a facility they can give her medication to help with the anxiety. My mom is also a hoarder, so I understand that part of it too. Even after 2 years she still talks about going back to her house and all her hoarded stuff, but medication has helped. She doesn’t want me to touch anything in her house (it sounds like it was in only slightly better shape than your moms place). I have spent hundreds of hours cleaning, but I would never tell her that. She would go through the roof. Be strong and do what is best for your mom. You will never convince her not to drive. Reasoning with a person with dementia is just not going to work (anosognosia). So don’t even try. Take her keys and let her think she lost them. Don’t tell her you took them! I know it sounds dishonest, but it will keep her safe. I would take this approach with other things as well. There is no need to tell her everything you are doing. No need to ask her permission, just do what you need to do. I know to some extent that is limited by not having the DPOA. I’m not an expert on poa, but it seems odd to me that the lawyer with a poa claims he is not being paid? Seems like he should have a right to pay himself and not only that, but an obligation to keep her safe. When mom assigned me DPOA it was paid for by her. I think if you try for guardianship and they grant it she may have to pay for it, not you (not sure). As others have said I would call the hotline. If you take a dangerous object away from a 2 year old they are going to be angry, but you do it anyway to keep them safe. Her car and even living in her home is dangerous for her.
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You might want to call Adult Protective Services in your state and ask some questions about the responsibilities of a POA. This lawyer has accepted a responsibility and is not upholding his job. I don't know what is going on there, but someone needs to have a guardianship or an effective POA to help your mother with her actual—not perceived—needs.
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As to the attorney;
To resign as a Power of Attorney (POA), you must first have a conversation with the principal, then submit a formal written resignation to the principal, any successor or co-agents, and relevant institutions, such as financial and medical organizations. It is crucial to ensure there is another competent agent appointed before you resign, and that you are following your state's specific legal requirements.
As to the POA;
There is a POA and a Durable POA;
https://www.cozzalaw.com/durable-vs-general-power-of-attorney-key-differences
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thankyou
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Please realize that you are not doing anything to your mom, you are doing things for your mom. She has anosognosia and will never be able to speak rationally about her situation and care because she is oblivious to the entire situation. This is the disease, not denial or anything else. It is pointless to seek her agreement or to allow yourself to get into arguments over this or that. In fact, limit your discussions with her about what's going on.
What has happened with others is that a crisis will occur which requires major changes. Be prepared with your plan before the crisis.
No one mentioned, but the cats need to be rehomed. No matter how much your mom loves animals, she is unable to care for them properly. Please speak with Animal Control in your area about rehoming these cats.
It is very hard. Keep posting, the members will help you.
Iris
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@Sdesalvo
That does sound like an overwhelming situation.
It sounds like your mom's disease is more progressed than you are assuming. Unless you've spent a couple 24/7 days with her, it isn't possible to get a real sense of how she's actually doing. Many PWD are more impacted by symptoms in the evening and overnight hours. There's also a behavior called showtiming where a PWD can temporarily seem more with it than is the typical baseline. My dad could showtime like there was an Oscar in it for him, but when I came and stayed for a weekend, I got a truer sense of his cognition on the second day.
The POA situation is confusing. Are you certain he's named POA; have you seen the document? It's odd that your mom would have named an attorney, which would cost her money, as her POA given that she has at least one adult child. Being a POA or guardian comes with the legal obligation to act in her best interests. If this man is her POA and ignoring her driving unlicensed he could be held liable in the event of an accident.Talking with your mom is not going to bring the results you hope for. You can't reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. She likely has anosognosia; in her mind she is as capable as ever. To suggest otherwise will feel like gaslighting to her.
There seems be 2 routes you could take to get a handle on the situation. One option would be to reach out to APS for a well check. The other would be to seek out an elder law attorney and go through the courts to obtain guardianship. You could also discuss Medicaid planning. If you mom owns her home, that along with any other assets would be sold to pay for care. If you haven't talked to an elder law specialist about qualifying for Medicaid, you can't say for certain she would never qualify.
Once you have the documentation you need, you could move her into a MCF near where you live and hire someone to clean it out and sell it.
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I have attached Medicaid information by state. Harshedbuzz suggested you look at the poa. Don’t ask her if you can see it. Wait til she is napping or showering and find a copy of it. No need to ask, she will probably say no and it will just make her mad. As far as the cats. I would get them out of there one by one and take them to a shelter. Don’t tell her you’re doing it, she will just get mad at you. Let her think they ran away. I’m also attaching something about anosognosia.
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/state-specific-medicaid-eligibility/
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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