Emotionally and Mentally Exhausted

Lynetta78 · October 20

Hi everyone, it took me a little while to go ahead and type this ‘new discussion’, hopefully I am doing it correctly.
My 78 year old mom was finally diagnosed with moderate dementia last week. My siblings and I knew she had some memory delays, especially after my dad passed a few years ago. I didn’t realize it was bad until I got the call…
I had a career in Nebraska doing well for myself then my mom called and said she’d needed me. I drove home to Texas where I decided to stay because it was far worse than I had expected.

I have been caring for my mom for 2 months now and I am lost. I feel alone and sometimes abandoned by family and friends. I clean, cook and care for my mom because I love her and that’s what God tells us to do. However, I loose myself at times a forget I too need to care for me.

Again, I’m new here and took a while to reach out. Friends say they understand but have 0 clue. Any advice from y’all would be an answer to prayer.

H1235 · October 20

Welcome. So sorry you find yourself here. In my opinion you can be a kind loving and caring daughter without giving up your entire life. You need to consider your life, your future and your eventual retirement and old age. Would your mom really want you to give up everything for her. I think most parents wouldn’t. Al offers independence in a safe setting, a chance to meet and talk with friends her own age and activities. Before we moved mom to Al she had no reason to even get dressed in the mornings. Her surroundings overwhelmed her. There were too many choices, decisions to make and things she wanted to do but was no longer able (weed the garden, paint the swing…). She argued about everything. I would encourage you to consider a facility, maybe do a few tours. Keep in mind there can be a waiting list at some places. In most cases I would not recommend bringing the person with dementia. Most with dementia have anosognosia and would not understand the need for a facility (see the link). Bring her to the state you want to live in. I’m going to be blunt, but at some point she won’t know what state she is in anyway. A facility does not mean you are entirely off the hook. Believe me there is still plenty to do to make sure she has everything she needs, regular visits and that all her finances are in order. This also allows you to once again be her daughter instead of the horrible person that won’t let her drive or whatever other limitations you have to put on her to keep her safe. It’s still not easy, but it is doable. Keep in mind it’s not going to get any easier. Dementia is progressive. I have also attached a staging tool that is very helpful. If you don’t have a DPOA you need to see a lawyer right away. This is very important. I hope something here helps.

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/295/anosognosia

DBAT.pdf

psg712 · October 20

Agree with H1235. My mom was unhappy and scared at first about moving to another state to be near me, but it had to happen in order for me to care for her responsibly. Because I am also working outside the home and could not provide the 24/7 supervision she required, she moved into a facility where she had the relief of not having to make decisions, maintain property, shop, cook, clean ... she adapted much sooner than I expected. Of course I visited often, took her on outings, brought my spouse and child to visit her ... but the facility also allowed us to have our own lives while still caring for her. And just as H1235 said, within months she had no idea what state she was now living in. Nor did she care. Her needs were being met.

It is a sad fact that dementia steals more abilities as time goes on. You need to plan for the time when your mom needs a lot more help than she does now. Even if you choose to keep her at home, even if you don't have work or other family responsibilities, you will need some kind of help with her for your own health and sanity. And you are right about friends. They may truly care, but unless they have cared for someone in your mom's situation, they can't truly understand. There are lots of great resources on this site from people who have been in your shoes.

Lynetta78 · October 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/256520#Comment_256520

Thank you for reminding me of the reality of the disease. My siblings and I will be looking for a AL for her soon.

Lynetta78 · October 21

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

ARIL · October 22

Agree with others. Last year I moved my dad across several states to a facility near my home. A kind social worker at the time said, “Remember that your needs can enter into this decision too.” In some ways that remark gave me permission to consider myself without guilt.

Things are still hard, and there is still plenty caregiving to do. This disease is relentless. But it is so much better than it was. Today I visited him for a few minutes after work. That is now possible. I can sleep at night without waking up in a panic.

Wishing you well… We do understand how you feel.

Emotionally and Mentally Exhausted

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