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How to have patience and not start resenting your spouse.

Big Papa2760
Big Papa2760 Member Posts: 19
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

Hi: My DW has had VD for 3 years and I'm the sole care giver. It's 24/7 year-round. Today she woke me screaming to come wipe her bottom. Yes, I have had to do many times, but to get woke up out of a deep sleep to her screaming clean my bottom. I almost lost my temper; how does someone not get up start resenting your spouse. Please help even if it's just to say you understand and I'm not alone.

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  • Karen711
    Karen711 Member Posts: 230
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    Sending Hugs!!!

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,071
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    you might want to get a bed alarm so you will know when she gets up so you can get up and help her rather than her screaming and waking you up. Toileting is going to be a difficult thing soon. Hang in there. You’re human. She doesn’t remember you being short with her. Hugs.

  • wose
    wose Member Posts: 366
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/256583#Comment_256583

    You nailed it💕💜

  • M5M
    M5M Member Posts: 255
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    re: toileting in general. The bidet is very helpful. . My DH has severe macular degeneration and spatial impairment. He can’t operate any remote, TV or bidet. I go with him to the toilet, or realize that’s where he is, and I go to operate the bidet. He was absolutely against it for years, but I finally insisted. The first time he realized how it worked, he was amazed, and now knows it is part of the routine.

  • Russinator
    Russinator Member Posts: 295
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    ((HUGS))

  • howhale
    howhale Member Posts: 244
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    You are not alone and should not feel guilty for your feelings. And as I write that, I realize that I did and even after the loss of my dear wife, I still do. When we care for a loved one, we do so with every ounce we can give to ensuring their safety, comfort, health, etc. However, the disease is always fighting back, not the loved one, the disease. I am not sure you can eliminate the guilty feelings, I sure cannot, but you can keep reminding your self that it is the disease, not your loved one. Absent the disease, your loved one would never act this way, never say these things, never forget who we are. Hate the disease but not your loved one. She is likely frightened beyond anything we can even comprehend as she loses a bit more of herself every day. I honestly came to believe, and still do, that my wife heard and knew way more than what the "experts" tell us. There were just too many times she would say or do something after a difficult incident that caused me to see that she had heard and understood what I had said in frustration. Thus, the guilt. At the end, the hospice nurses all shares stories with me agreeing as I probed them as to whether or not I was correct in my feeling.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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