False Memories advice

rgf_98437 · October 23

Really struggling with a difficult situation around a false memory. My wife is convinced that our brother-in-law told us to get the heck out of there yard. There was a small dispute between her and her sister on a Friday but was mostly smoothed over by the time we left. We were back there both Saturday and Sunday and things were maybe "distant" but completely civil. I woke up Wednesday morning to her convinced our brother-in-law kicked us out of the yard and we now will have nothing to do with the family. She messaged with her sister and her sister said she didn't remember kicking us out of the yard. I don't directly contradict her. I've said, I didn't hear him say that, it doesn't seem like him, when did he say it. She doesn't remember when but insists "I didn't make it up" and I assure her I am not saying she did. It has stressed her greatly as she now feels ostracized from the family (two weeks on now) but at the same time trying to work her towards the possibility this didn't happen only stresses her as well. Just at a loss how to help her here...

Phoenix1966 · October 23

Sorry for your reason being here, but happy you found this place.

There is no reasoning with someone whose reasoner is broken. Is there any chance you can get the brother-in-law to apologize? I understand this didn’t actually occur, but your wife believes it did. Maybe something as simple as him messaging her that he was having a bad day and just snapped at her out of misplaced frustration?

Things like this get referred to as “therapeutic fibs”, because most of us are very resistant to lying to loved ones. But often lying is the only way to move past the false recollections.

annie51 · October 23

I think the advice from Phoenix is very good - hopefully you can get the brother in law to do it if you explain why. You have to live in their reality. I like the answers you gave her - I’ve said similar things to my DH when he was angry about something the neighbor supposedly did. Hopefully if it doesn’t work out with the brother in law, your wife will eventually forget about it.

SDianeL · October 24

hallucinations, delusions and confabulations are common in dementia. You are doing the right things. I also agree to get them to apologize although it never happened. If she continues to have these episodes you could ask her doctor for medication. Be sure to explain the behavior. Also control her TV watching if you can. The news and some shows may trigger the hallucinations.

harshedbuzz · October 24

@rgf_98437

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Your situation brings to mind a couple of thoughts related to dementia. The first is the notion that emotional intelligence remains intact well into the final stages of the disease. There was a small dust-up between DW and sister followed by 2 days of less-then-warm interactions your wife would absolutely internalize the feelings of frostiness and perhaps catastrophize (another dementia trait in the mid stages+) the events that made her feel wounded.

The other notion is that of conflated memory. Do your wife and her sister have a history of spats and misunderstandings? Could it be someone did once tell your DW (or her witness someone else being told) to leave? She could be conflating the current spat with one she had years ago or even one she saw on TV. Confabulation is when a PWD can recall the gist of an event but not the details of who, what, where, and when.

The right thing to do is to validate her hurt or indignity. You could create a fiblet that BIL called to apologize while she was in the shower and you said you'd pass it on. It would be even better if he'd call her and offer an apology but often folks who don't "get" dementia refuse to say they're sorry for something they didn't do.

HB

rgf_98437 · October 24

Thanks for the advice. There is a third sister who relations have been difficult with for her entire life. The sister in question has been her closest friend at many times but there was a difficult split for a while around settling the mother's estate. Speaking honestly, my wife has been the one to typically extend the olive branch eventually but I recognize things may change. So there is a history there that may play into this. So far, the sister and BIL are (I believe) unaware of the false memory. I have been concerned about mentioning it, especially if the additional sister was to get wind. I am sure most here understand how reliant they become on "their person" and she often feels I'm the only one there for her. If she got wind that I think she indeed "made this up" she would feel extremely betrayed so I've been hesitant to go beyond people I trust deeply (her children) with the issue.

Victoriaredux · October 24

"There was a small dispute between her and her sister on a Friday but was mostly smoothed over by the time we left. We were back there both Saturday and Sunday and things were maybe "distant" but completely civil. "

Don't know if you live right next door or if you have a drive to get to your in-laws but at some point the change of location- even to a very familiar one maybe too much for your wife. PWDs feel stressed at the change of settings and it can cause acting out.

The brain may be stressed at new visuals, smells, food, extra people and they react /lash out-and artifacts of old tussles may seem logical to them as the current cause. What is boring for us - same walls, same bathroom provides comfort to our LO with dementia .

For your own mental health, don't over think what is said or the truth of it- that is trying to find reason in a broken thought process , just calm the immediate kerfuffle and see if maybe staggered visits work better. A recoup time to try to keep happy socializing going on as long as possible .

False Memories advice

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