Falsely accused of elder abuse

EllaQ · October 22

My husband and I help care for his mom who lives in an assisted living facility and has dementia that seems to be progressing more rapidly. Over the past five years since we have been helping her, she has been sharing some increasingly bizarre stories about members of her community. In the past couple of years, I have been providing most of her support, shopping, doctors' appointments, minor medical support, etc. In the past six months, her dementia seems to be progressing more rapidly and she started accusing me of taking her things -- glasses that I later found under a stack of papers, perfume that I had given her. She's a bit of a hoarder, so it's easy to lose things in her room. About three months ago, she started calling my husband saying I was breaking things of hers. For example, taking a grabber retrieval device from her hands and wheelchair, when I took her on a walk (in reality, pushing the wheelchair) on a beautiful day to a nearby doctor's appointment. The stories were becoming increasingly bizarre and violent and mean-spirited toward me, so about two months ago I stopped participating in her care and my husband is now managing those activities exclusively. I no longer go to her community at all. That hasn't stopped her from calling to accuse me of all manner of misdeeds.

Last week we received a call from the Executive Director at her community asking if we had been there the previous day. We had not. The ED said that mom had told two caregivers that we had been there, had a violent fight in her room and that I had attacked my husband with a tool of some type and strangled mom and broken her fingers. They gave her a thorough exam and found no indications of any harm and then called my husband to confirm we hadn't been there. Mom mentioned one of the facility workers had been involved as well and he was not working on the day in question. I have not been to her community in months. I am horrified and heartbroken to be accused of elder abuse. Much of my professional and volunteer career has been in positions of trust and to be falsely accused of something so heinous is making me sick and depressed. I just learned that the facility had to file a report with the social services department, which is making me even sadder.

I have been reading posts on this forum for quite a while, which is what helped me develop the "thick skin" so many people describe as being helpful -- and it was -- when I was still caring for mom and being accused of taking things she had misplaced or silly things that could not possibly be true. My husband is extremely supportive, but now I feel damaged inside. Does anyone have any suggestions for protecting myself from future false accusations and for improving my mental health.

SusanB-dil · October 22

Hi EllaQ - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I think you are doing what you can in staying away. I am surprised, however, that they filed a report regardless, especially from someone with dementia, and absolutely no sign of any abuse. That would upset anyone!

Does MIL have a neurologist? Let them know this is happening. She is obviously either hallucinating, or confusing television with reality.

EllaQ · October 22

Thank you so very much. My husband is meeting with her primary care doctor today to discuss anything that might help her. She is extremely resistant to going to doctors' appointments, but adding a neurologist to her care team will be on the agenda.

EllaQ · October 22

Has anyone been through this with a family member? We wondered about adding a camera inside her room and pointed solely at the entrance to her room. My husband spoke with the ED about that and they weren't really enthusiastic about that idea for a number of what we thought were rational reasons.

SDianeL · October 23

I would ask for a copy of the report and challenge it. Make sure the facility knows she is having hallucinations and delusions. Make sure it’s in her chart. There are medications that may help her. Talk to the doctor. They put my DH on Risperidone for hallucinations. TV triggered it when he was dreaming.

JulietteBee · October 23

I think it is your right to be able to install a camera, once it does not capture other residents in any common areas. Personally, I would find it suspicious if they talked me out of using one, ESPECIALLY if I am the subject of her accusations...ijs

towhee · October 23

While a camera might provide a record of who had been in and out of her room it would be useful for administrative and police purposes only. There is no way to move her out of what is her reality, and it would probably make things worse to try.

If there is any way possible limit her TV to nature and music shows, and see if it makes a difference.

I agree that medication is in order. Many have said that a geriatric psychiatrist at this stage was extremely helpful.

I do not know if this will be helpful, but I used to think of my LOs brain as a series of potholes connected by ruts. Something would push her into one of the ruts and she would go round and round without any control. She was no longer capable of intent, it was just a pattern that she had no control over, no matter how much it seemed otherwise. There was a very wise lady on these boards who used to say that medication when necessary was a blessing for the PWD as well as the caregiver, because they were living in a very frightening world, saying and doing things that they would have previously been grieved to know they were doing.

harshedbuzz · October 23

@EllaQ

I think a lot of folks here have been through similar. My dad accused me mostly of the theft of hundreds of thousands of dollars, but sometimes he'd accuse mom of inflicting physical harm. Sometimes there was a basis in her trying to get him to change clothing, sometimes it seemed rooted in something he'd seen on TV and sometimes he was just lashing out because he was miserable in his dementia.

Was an actual report filed or was this an informal and informational call? They were wise to go through the motions of an exam and confirmation call with you. They are responsible for her welfare. I suppose you could install a camera, assuming it isn't prohibited by the contract signed on admission, and hope she doesn't disable it. Is there WiFi available to support this?

Your MIL made an accusation about people who weren't physically present and had no marks to indicate any harm done by you, staff or even another resident. Try not to dwell on it. Her brain is diseased and dying.

Dad's facility had both a PCP and a geripsych who were available to residents for care. The geri psych was way more helpful for medication management than either memory center neurologist dad saw in the course of his dementia.

HB

Iris L. · October 23

She may need to spend less time alone, unsupervised. It might be time to consider a move to memory care.

Iris

MN Chickadee · October 24

A facility well versed in dementia should be unphased by such behavior, although they do have to follow their protocols since elder abuse is a big deal and they have liability. Is she in assisted living or memory care? If not memory care it may be time to make that move. A PWD has more oversight then and less time unsupervised. This can help with a variety of things, including watching less dramatic tv that starts to confabulate with reality, and also can sometimes reduce anxiety when they have more structure and support and don't feel so lost in the world. I would definitely communicate all this hallucinating to her physicians, as medication may help reduce this and make her happier. It must be dreadful for her to live thinking these terrible things are happening to her and around her. With the right meds she may mellow out a lot. You can't take it personally, it's just a diseased brain going haywire and really has nothing to do with you as a person. Your relationship with her ended at some point, and she as a person and the rules of engagement are totally different and it's nobody's fault, just another cruel and unfair outcome of this disease. And try to remember it is temporary. Unfortunately her decline will continue, and this phase will pass. Eventually you both will able to get in and see her again. I really wouldn't worry too much about the director contacting you. I'm guessing they have cameras at the entrance and could prove you weren't even on site if needed, they are just going through the motions that they have to.

JJ401 · October 25

Could they have made the report to protect their staff when she accuses them? Made the report to show a pattern of false reports? My guess is that the report says patient said she was strangled (no bruises) and fingers were broken (not) and accused people who were not here that day.

EllaQ · October 26

All of your comments were so helpful. Thank you ever so much.

We learned yesterday that she has recently accused employees and others at the community of the exact same things, so there is plenty of documentation now of the confabulations. (I looked it up, so now I believe I know the difference between that and delusions.) We also wrote a detailed description of the progression of her stories and shared that with her family physician, who is also adjusting her medications. I am working to find a geriatric psychiatrist.

The community's concerns related to installing a camera revolve around ensuring the privacy of other residents, not being allowed to record conversations in our state, the community requirement that they have access to the recordings, insufficient bandwidth on the wireless internet and ensuring we could maintain the system in case something broke. We could find workarounds for all of those, but I think the community's reaction to recording was more one of not thinking it necessary, given there is now plenty of documentation of her dementia progression. The camera idea was me wanting the protection. I wanted PROOF I wasn't even going there any longer. My husband and I are about as loving and law-abiding as it gets, but I had horrible images of the police showing up at our home. I also wanted proof to convince her in the future that I wasn't there, so she would realize I didn't harm her and we could be friends again. I recognize now that I am not going to be able to change what she believes.

She never wanted us to connect her TV in her room, so we know she doesn't watch TV alone and the shows allowed on the TV in the community living room are pretty well monitored for content — the remote is "owned" by the receptionist :)

We wonder if her stories stem from having very arthritic hands and she had (but doesn't now) a hoarse throat. So, someone must have "broken her fingers" and "strangled" her. Do those sorts of mis-connections sound familiar to anyone? Her doctor has just prescribed a topical pain relief cream for her hands, which the medications manager at her community will apply.

There is a memory care unit at her community, but we know that she does not want to have to move there. She has told my husband that she "knows what that place is." The Executive Director seems comfortable with her staying in her apartment for now and we now know that they have other residents with this level of "tall tales" who still live in their apartments. It just seemed such a sudden shift from her sharing tales with her family — to those now being about her family and she is sharing more widely.

Again, we so greatly appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions. Just reading the similar situations is extraordinarily comforting.

harshedbuzz · October 26

@EllaQ said:

We wonder if her stories stem from having very arthritic hands and she had (but doesn't now) a hoarse throat. So, someone must have "broken her fingers" and "strangled" her. Do those sorts of mis-connections sound familiar to anyone? Her doctor has just prescribed a topical pain relief cream for her hands, which the medications manager at her community will apply.

I heard similar from my dad. He stumbled off a curb at a rest stop on his last drive north from Florida the month before he was diagnosed in the middle stages. Mom didn't break his fall; she's got osteoporosis and some significant disc issues, so she has no business doing so. This angered him and stuck. For the next 9 months he complained to every doctor he saw as we set up appointments with their new medical team that his ribs were broken because mom pushed him. The doctors would examine for broken ribs, find no evidence and get on with whatever he was there for.

At one point, his new pulmo ordered chest imaging. I read the report when it hit the portal. It described gall stones and inflammation of the gall bladder. Dad had his gall bladder removed surgically in 1980. Evidently, the surgeon was unable to remove it all during an acute attack, and he was having symptoms from was left and the fatty diet he favored as the dementia progressed.

Like you mom, his pain was real, but he conflated the cause to blame someone else.

HB

EllaQ · October 28

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so sorry for all you and your family went through, but we really do appreciate reading about the similar situation for our own context.

Falsely accused of elder abuse

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