New here...finally reaching for help!

I think you should look into MC residency. Your mother will continue to decline, and I think you have admirably kept her with your family as long as possible. In my opinion (experience), you deserve to have a life for yourself, your children (grown or not) and your husband. Also, and just as importantly, your mother needs professional care. You can still share your love with her, maybe even more freely when you have a break from the stress of care giving. My mother didn't live with me, and I was afraid all the time that she might fall or wander off. You've explained well how watching the decline is no better than imagining it. I will say that even an MC facility acts just as flummoxed as the doctors sometimes. They will call and tell me some kind of odd thing Mom is doing, and it's all right there on the DBAT list. I wonder how it can be that they don't recognize her symptoms as textbook Alzheimer's dementia when they are supposed to be experts. I realize now that everyone involved including family and caregivers, even doctors can be totally mystified by this disease. Giving up your well-being because you think it's a sacrifice that will somehow benefit your mother is honorable but unnecessary. Again, this is my opinion. I know there are folks on these boards who are keeping their LO at home, and not everyone can afford MC facilities. I guess I want to tell you that your feelings aren't selfish at all. That lost and confused feeling is just part of this journey. It's more difficult than anyone can imagine who isn't going through it. Keep coming to the forum. It helps.

You have received very good advice already. I will just chime in to echo the support of others. People on this forum understand very well the experiences and feelings you describe.

It does sound as though your mom is ready for 24/7 wide-awake care. The behaviors you mention signal considerable progression of the disease.

If you do choose placement in a facility, please release yourself from any whiff of guilt. You have done remarkable things in helping your mom. It can be continuing that kindness to place a loved one with dementia in a place where they can get the kind of care they need.

When I was looking at facilities for my LO, a counselor told me, “It is OK for your needs to enter into the decision here too.”

You have done a beautiful job of caring for your mom at home all this time. You can also do a great job caring for her at an MC. My mom is in a facility, and I can tell you that she still very much needs my involvement in her care - even though the caregivers there are well in touch with dementia needs. She is still my mom, and I'm still responsible as her POA to see that her needs are met.

Remember as you look at options that consistent staffing, clean and comfortable surroundings and a focus on the safety and reassurance needs of people with dementia are all more important than fancy decor and glitzy programming. Activities designed for different levels of cognitive impairment are valuable, but the ability to participate meaningfully in group events declines with disease progression. From your description of your mom's interactions with the family, it sounds to me that she is already near that point.

Deciding to place your mom does not make you selfish. You also have a marriage and a child at home to consider. I hope that your mom was a person who would want the best for you in those relationships, which ideally will last long after your mom is gone. And your own mental and emotional health is important too!

My DH and I cared for my MIL in our home for 7 years until her passing. She did not have dementia, but her physical disabilities progressed to a point where we had to plan everything around her care. Often it involved one of us staying with her while the other went with our son to school or sports events. Middle of the night bathroom calls. Constant interruption of DH while he worked from home. I'm glad we were able to do it, but it would be 1000% more complicated now with my mom and the challenges of dementia, along with a teenager's moods and needs and recent health issues for DH and me. Mom needs 24/7 supervision, which our small family cannot do without help. She is safe and comfortable at the facility. We are 10 minutes away and see her regularly. There are challenges still, but overall this is working for us. I hope that you find the best situation for you. your mom and the family!