What do you to talk about with your LOs?

shiawase12 · November 1

My DH with Alz is in late stage 4, perhaps early stage 5. Most days he's still quite independent in caring for himself and doing household chores.

The problem I'm having is that chatting with him has become such a mentally exhausting task.

I find myself thinking "oh, I'll just tell him about this" and then I realize I can't just say it like I used to. That i have to slow down my cadence, I have to be sure I'm not interrupting him while he's engaged in something. That I have to get his attention first, that i have to give a bit of background first and make sure he knows who/ what I'm talking about first etc.

I most often end up just not having the chat because it's exhausting just prepping for it and even more so to do it and have to explain ... or worse yet just get the usual "what are you talking about??!" response.

So the day goes with him playing games on his phone or scrolling his FB and me doing a puzzle or something.

Then he comes at me with "your being so quiet" or the dreaded "i can't talk or think of words because I don't get to talk much. Cause you don't talk to me"

What do all of you have conversations about?

I know i can't have any serious topic conversations with him any more.

Hate this.

Gator1976 · November 1

look up BrainHQ in the app function. Subscribe to it and let him have his fun exercising his brain while he plays “brain games”.

H1235 · November 1

I get it. My situation is a bit different and not 24/7 ( I can’t even imagine). If I tell mom I’ve been working in my garden, she gets upset because she used to love gardening, but she can’t now ( my fault because I put her in a home). If I bring up the grand kids, she is upset because she doesn’t see them enough. If I tell her about my husband and I going out to dinner, she tells me how her and my dad used to go there when he was alive, then gives a big heavy sigh. If I had been busy all week cleaning out her house there is no way I could bring that up. I find she likes to talk about the past a lot, but my mind is in the present. I have to think things through before I say anything. I can’t imagine not being able to talk through decisions let alone the difficulties of a normal conversation with my husband. It must be so hard. So sorry.

harshedbuzz · November 1

@shiawase12

It's hard. Caregivers lose the intimacy of being able to share back and forth with an equal partner whether it's a decision about home remodeling, the news of the world, an inside joke, or even the funny incident at the grocery store. PWD become isolated because most other friends and family drop off the radar as it become harder to interact with the PWD. As caregiver, this can be even harder when the PWD shadows them preventing their interaction with others.

In the earlier middle stage, playing games was a good way to keep it simple. Gin Rummy, Uno, Go Fish are simple card games that dad could mostly manage although he did cheap. My friend did puzzles with her mom as a way to engage her mom. Another option might be a day program where he'd have the chance to socialize with others.

HB

PS Dad also ascribed blame for his symptoms on others. If something wasn't mom's fault, it was mine.

Biggles · November 1

This is a horrible disease it’s exhausting and feels never ending and with the care you are giving, you are becoming a superhuman. Be gentle and kind with your words and your talk. Your DH can no longer communicate as he used to, think of it as someone who can no longer run so they have to walk. Walk slowly with him, next to him. Say all the same things that you want to say just say them a little bit slower. Talk about day to day things and uncomplicated happenings. Play music that you both like, enjoy an afternoon biscuit and cheese and perhaps a glass of wine or coffee. It’s hard going but through no fault of his he has drawn a short straw, you are all he has, he needs your support, love and care. It’s so hard but everyone here will give as much support along this untold hard journey as they can. Take care.

Biggles · November 1

DonnaPJ · November 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257422#Comment_257422

How very nicely worded. We have found watching sports to be quality time together activity. While I have to explain referee calls and sometimes plays, he enjoys the action.

Karen711 · November 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257422#Comment_257422

beautiful, yes💜

trottingalong · November 1

Ah, you described my dilemma exactly. My DH abhors games of any kind, always has. He was a craftsman, loved doing things with his hands. He was an outdoorsman, rock climbing, hiking, mountain biking, fly fishing, ocean fishing. Now he sits and watches YouTube and is angry at the world. Not me though. He tells me multiple times a day he loves me. I’m finding it more and more difficult to find something to talk about that won’t turn into a negative rant.

jgreen · November 1

Hi Shiawase

I found a quick link with some simple tips and techniques for communicating with a LO: https://alzheimerslab.com/how-to-talk-to-someone-with-dementia-without-upsetting-them/

I imagine you can find a lot more.

Some topics that I use are subjects my DH enjoyed/enjoys. I try to make it about him and not me. That way he is the topic expert. DH is a retired teacher and pilot, so loves talking about airplanes and teaching others to fly. I watch him get quite animated when he talks with pilot friends, so I try to mimic the same. He is also a history buff, so after he watches a program on tv or YouTube, I ask him simple questions about that particular topic.

I think we can all find conversation starters with our loved ones that may help -

what should we have on the Thanksgiving menu? How would you cook that?
Are there plants or seeds we can start in our garden this time of the year? Let’s look some of them up online. Tell me about this one.
There’s a golf game on tv today. Do you know about this player? Help me understand what the different clubs do. Etc.

I think the biggest takeaways I’ve gotten is to get close without distractions, look him in the eyes, ask questions to show I am listening, and let him do the talking. My DH loves to tell stories if the listener will let him.

Best of luck to you. And God bless!

ronda b · November 1

Back to the original post. I know the feeling. I forget and try to tell him something he'll say who what where they doing exactly so forth. By the time I'm finished he's frustrated and I'm tired. So yes I'm guilty of limiting my conversation. I need to lean more patience. It's hard.😐

CindyBum · November 1

Oh boy, do I know the feeling. My DW has aphasia and her interest in talking has not abated in the slightest, despite her inability to get a real sentence out. It is exhausting.

I don't know what to say other than you will adjust to the changes. You will learn to slow down and repeat, repeat, repeat. It does take a conscious decision and practice, because this is all new to you and him. Making that decision and practicing, I believe, was the key to helping me let go of the denial that this was really happening, that she was on a road I could fight or I could join her on and try my darndest to enter her new, weird, confusing world. I talk about all the things she cares about and then talk about other, more complicated things I need to discuss with my family, my friends and my therapist. I do a great deal of talking about her family and friends and our memories together. Got her a digital photo frame to help prompt some of these conversations. It helps when she sees pix of an event or of her family.

On the long list of things I miss about my DW, our long talks are on the top of the list. 21 years together and we still hadn't stopped having engaged, fun and funny conversations until this hit us. God, I miss that so damn much.

Hang in there!

Milo4455 · November 1

Conversations with my DH are usually about him needing to get something done at the farm. Something that was a huge part of his life. Most times it's a lot of jibberish, hard to understand, follow, but can usually pick up bits and pieces, but no real direction. Usually we engage to keep the conversation flowing, and ends with redirecting him that his son can help him on the weekend. As above, CindyBum suggested, anything more complicated gets discussed elsewhere. It sucks.

shiawase12 · November 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257448#Comment_257448

Thankyou. So, so true. I'm sorry you're having to be in this journey too. Practicing ... so true. It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this.

I will work on my patience and practice.

Oh, and therapist, boy do i need to get that appointment made for myself! :)

shiawase12 · November 2

Yup, That thing called patience. We all will be masters of it in this journey it seems.

Appreciate your response. Good luck with your journey.

shiawase12 · November 2

A number of years back I cared for my mother in her last few years of Alz. She was in a Memory care facility, but I was her advocate.

She taught me so much about this journey. I am grateful for that gift. Especially now with caregiving for my DH.

Thanks for your response, it's always good to know we're not alone.

Take good care.

shiawase12 · November 2

Yup, it's always someone else's fault. I know how that goes. If that makes it easier for him, I'm OK with that.

I can't imagine being the one with Alz.

At least we have each other to vent to on here. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Take care.

Biggles · November 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257432#Comment_257432

just a point of interest my DH was also a pilot;, a sailor and a private pilot, over the course of 54 years we owned 3 small single engine aircraft consequently his nickname Biggles. Your comment touched on a life no-longer.

trottingalong · November 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257494#Comment_257494

Ah Biggles. Theres so much we don’t know about those we speak to on this forum. You and your husband must have led an interesting life. You have suffered many losses on this journey. I hope you have been able to get out once a week with your sailing group.

Biggles · November 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257506#Comment_257506

Thank you. Yes there’s a past in all of us.

JamieOTR · November 3

My DH is stage 3 sliding into 4. Our conversations are highly variable. Sometimes he's full of grievances, often based on misremembering something that was said previously or conflating separate incidences; in that case he's very apt to declare that I am "just as bad as [he]is, and I should just acknowledge that [I] am getting old". He loves to point out things that others (often me, but sometimes our son or grandaughter who live with us) have done "wrong", even though it was often he who did them. He will sometimes get angry that I am "just trying to confuse him" if I try to discuss the issue at hand (I don't anymore unless it is a safety issue). I know he is deflecting, but it is sometimes very hard to take. He loves to watch soccer, and will talk to me endlessly about the matches he watches. He also takes pride in all the things he can still do around the house. Reminiscing is usually a good conversational topic, though there are occasional minefields there, also. Word finding issues can sometimes halt a conversation dead in the water, occasionally eliciting anger on his part. What I struggle particularly with is this:
I have a great deal of education and experience in working with clients who have dementia. I KNOW what I should do in all these situations, but I have a really hard time unthinking the habits of 50+ years of marriage and stepping back from my emotional (and often defensive) responses.

H1235 · November 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257582#Comment_257582

welcome. I agree. We have spent our whole lives communicating, explaining, reacting and sharing. To suddenly have to change the way we do that ( to sensor ourselves) is just so difficult. I think with time I am getting a little better, but it just takes so much effort.

What do you to talk about with your LOs?

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