Early onset of my husband

FaerieCrone · November 6

I’m new to this group. My husband and I just moved abroad 2years ago when my husband retired. My husband struggled with depression after retiring, finding his purpose ect. Once he got settled in o started seeing some…missteps in his thinking. His dad is in his 80’s with Alzheimer’s. So I kind of thought this might happen.
I had him in for the brain scan (cause I wanted at least a base line) going. But in the last 6mo I’m seeing things happen. When he misses taking his magnesium, he has a hard time forming detailed sentences. When he drives he is no longer grasping defensive driving and we have had 3 near miss accidents that I am now driving full time.
I get he is struggling with this. But him lashing out at me when I say I need to take stuff over is hard.
I see his mom struggle with no support group and she is depressed and lonely. And I don’t want to be that girl. I know I am going to need support, even if it’s just online as we are abroad.
I look forward to hearing others early… struggles so I don’t feel so alone.

SDianeL · November 7

welcome. So sorry about your husband. You have come to the right place for info and support or to just vent. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Teepa Snow and Tam Cummings. He shoukd not be driving. Hide the keys or disable the car. He could have an accident and kill someone. You need to take charge. He won’t like it but you must. Ask his doctor for anti anxiety meds to help his lashing out. What I learned here is that you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken so don’t even try. His memory is gone. Don’t argue with him. Use distraction or redirection, treats and fibs if you must. Childproof your home. Make sure doors lock from the inside so he can’t wander off. Search online for the 7 stages of dementia chart that shows behaviors in each stage. It will give you a general idea of where he is. Come here often. We understand what you’re going through. 💜

harshedbuzz · November 7

@FaerieCrone

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Each stage of dementia brings its own unique set of challenges. The earlier stages often trigger considerable anxiety and depression in both spouses along with changes in how the relationship works. FWIW, depression in men often looks like irritability. Treating mood aggressively is helpful and that includes you if needed.

Specific to you taking over decision making and control of finances, it's best to do so behind the PWD's back rather than try to reason with them especially if the basis of your argument is their incapacity. Often paperless billing and autopay are helpful. Changing account access passwords is necessary.

You said this:

I see his mom struggle with no support group and she is depressed and lonely. And I don’t want to be that girl. I know I am going to need support, even if it’s just online as we are abroad.

Of course, I don't know the particulars regarding family dynamics and whether your move was made for financial or reasons related to your family. But I can see why she might justifiably feel bitter.

To that end, in planning for later stages, do you wish to remain living abroad? Are there caregivers available and accessible to you or would it be prudent to move back to the U.S. at some point? If a different language is spoken where you live and your DH learned it as an adult, it's very likely he will lose it in the middle to late stages making it difficult for him to connect with caregivers who don't speak English. This might not apply to you, but a friend's mom who grew up in Germany and came here as an older teen reverted to German in the late middle stages which made leaving her alone with caregivers a challenge.

HB

Early onset of my husband

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