Yin and Yang
How can i be so happy and sad at the same time. It’s our birthday’s mine is the 8th DH 9th we have always celebrated together. It’s always been such a fun time of family and friends parties and dinners. Now it’s too uncomfortable to go out to dinner DH needs to be fed and food falls either on the floor or down his shirt, parties are definitely a no no, and friends seem to have disappeared, but we BBQ at the beach. Son in law cooks, daughter brings a fancy salad plus a birthday cake decorated with DH’s favourite chocolates. Three grandsons, swimming, shooting hoops and kicking a soccer ball around. A fabulous night. But returning home, a piece of birthday chocolate, a cup of coffee and he is asleep on the couch, as sweet as can be and hopefully at peace and I fall apart silently crying. Our life has changed and although I am trying not to, I find i am waiting for a future I don’t want.
Comments
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So sorry. Seems that things go onto the used to do/be list day by day. Happy birthday, anyway…
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"Our life has changed and although I am trying not to, I find i am waiting for a future I don’t want."WOW! What a true statement. I think you said it for all of us. Anticipatory Grief!
I applaud you for making both of your birthdays memorable - even if not the customary ones. You are a truly a wonderful husband who has been given the life of a caregiver. Hugs to you and your wife. It's very hard, but you are making the most of it.
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oh, Biggles! I am right there with you! You have me smiling and tearing up at the same time. What adjustments all of us are constantly making.
In one video/teleconference (or more that I haven’t seen yet) Tam Cummings encourages caregivers to keep a journal or book about these special memories. Not the bad or frustrating stuff, just the good ones. The memory you so eloquently described above is one of those worth keeping.
In his own way, I am sure your DH felt your celebration was special. You and your family did a wonderful job!
Prayers, hugs, and heartfelt birthday wishes 🎂💝
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understand completely your not alone
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Happy Birthday to you and your DH Biggles. You created a beautiful celebration for both of you, embracing the moment you are in now- living life to its fullest Now! And in this same moment you’re honoring your grief, not pushing it aside. Your strength in this is admirable. This past August was the first time in 42 years my DW did not have a clue it was our anniversary, a day we always loved to celebrate. I understand your pain and grief. Hugs to you!
Karen
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Thank you Biggles for sharing your heart with us. You gave a gift for putting into words the things I’m feeling and can’t quite express. Hugs to you.
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“I find i am waiting for a future I don’t want.”
This statement hit me like a thunderbolt. How incredibly poignant.
One year on my birthday, my DW was about early Stage 6. She had forgotten who I was specifically but knew I was her special person. I tried to do things that day that I thought she would enjoy. At the end of the day as I was getting her ready for bed she cheerfully said “we have fun together, don’t we!” It was by far the best birthday gift she’d ever given me.
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Biggles, I have to apologize for referring to you as "husband." That will teach me to comment before I've had my coffee. 😀 Thanks for understanding. Take care of yourself.
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Happy birthday and big hug.
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Thankyou such a long list.
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Happy birthday to the both of you. I’m glad you were able to have a smaller celebration on the beach with your family. I also understand the loneliness when you arrived back home and thoughts of past birthday celebrations while watching your husband sleep. It’s heartbreaking and so difficult for others to understand. The tears flow and we mourn both the past and the future.
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Thank you Vitruvius.
That one little statement can make everything we do so very wonderful and worthwhile.
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Happy Birthday(s). I know exactly how you feel and as the holiday season approaches , we will not be attending any parties, dinners or family gatherings. We will once again have small short visits with only a few people at a time. Happy and sad indeed.
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Happy Birthday to you both. Glad you were able to have a small celebration on the beach. The sadness and anticipatory grief is a constant reminder of the heartbreak of dementia. Sending love and hugs. 💜
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"I find i am waiting for a future I don’t want."
That is so profound a statement. I believe it is the truth, though we may not have all come to that realization as yet. Hugs!🫂
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I too often feel that mix of sadness and happiness, it was very present for me this morning while at church. My DW shows evidence of her old self during the worship in song, fully engaged and alive! It lasts for the moment, then sadly the sparkle is over. I’m happy to see the but the same the sadness will be gone.
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Thank you 💜
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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