My DH is wanting to spend every minute with me
My DH is recovering well from knee surgery. I have been caring for him and not leaving the house for 4 weeks. He gets around with a walker and I can take the dog out for a walk now. He gets mad if I am out longer talking to neighbor. Doesn’t know what to do with himself.
I looked into having a caregiver come to our house so I can get away a day or two. He does not like it.
When his personality started to change 10 years ago he stopped wanting to do things with me, friends and family. So now he is saying he wants to be a part of everything I do and have closeness with me.
He has always gone to bed early for years. I like this time to myself so I can watch a movie. He doesn’t remember that he cannot follow movies.
He says I don’t want to share life with him, or closeness and maybe we shouldn’t be together.
It is so frustrating. I feel I cannot breathe. I do not go much…just shop, or occasional lunch with friend.
Not sure what to do. It’s driving me crazy.
Comments
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Wow, that must really be frustrating. Finding time for yourself is going to be tricky if he is not wanting to be without you. I have a care companion that comes once a week for 5 hours and by nighttime my DH has forgotten I was even gone that day. I only give him about a 30 minute heads up that I am going out and I usually tell him it’s a doctor appointment. I hope you are able to come up with a new plan soon. You are due for some time to yourself. I also enjoy the little bit of time once my DH goes to bed
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we understand how you feel. You didn’t mention what stage your DH is in. If he’s in the mid stage of dementia he should no longer be left alone. It’s not safe. He could start a fire or wander off. He needs 24/7 care. Shadowing is common in dementia. It’s caused by anxiety. Have you looked into day care? Many counties have senior day care. I got my DH to accept respite caregiver by telling him it was for me to help around the house while I went to the doctor. Fib if you must. The first 2 times the caregiver came I stayed home so he could get used to her. After the second time he asked if “his lady” was coming that day. Have you read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which really helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Respite caregiver is important for your mental and physical well being. Hope you can work something out.
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I understand how you must feel. My DH wants me around him just about all of the time - there are times I need to do other things. I wonder if he really understands why I am not with him all of the time.
My DH is due to have left knee replacement surgery, hopefully before 2026. We go to doc next week for hopefully clearing him for the surgery. He had his right knee replaced 2 1/2 years ago. I remember what that was like for him and for me (I was the one that "forced" him to do his exercises). I wonder if I can do it again. On a good note, he still does his physical therapy exercises on his own. I am hopeful it won't be hard to get him to do the exercises again.
I have my next-door neighbor that I can call on to "talk", cry, whatever is needed at the time.
I will pray for you to be able to find someone that will be a good listener.
Take care.
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thank you Mandp523. I do not regret the knee surgery. He goes 3 times week to PT and complains about the pain. Difficult to get him to do at home. The meds I do feel made him worse. We almost weaned off of them.
I do have a few friends that listen to me. Some days are worst than others.
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Boy…do I know how stifling that is. Sometimes my DW startles me when all of sudden she’s right at my back and I don’t hear her coming. I crashed hard, hard by waiting too long to get help.
I’m going to say something quite direct that may sound harsh. I don’t care if my DW doesn’t like having a caregiver. I need the help desperately, so I convinced her that the caregiver is for me, not her. And honestly, the caregiver is for me. She cooks and cleans and is a gentle help to my DW. When my DW complains, which she still does a year into a caregiver coming, I tell her I’m sorry, but I need the caregiver’s help so much, she stays. And we keep on with it. Plus, I see how she greets the caregiver and sits with her for breakfast. They’re fine together and my DW is just trying to get me to be there 24/7.
This was such a hard point for me to get to. I’ve always loved doing what my DW wanted and have been a total pushover to her requests. Happily. To advocate for myself and get the respite time I clearly needed was a huge shift. It will save me, I now firmly see, once she moves into Stage 8.
I found the argument that would work for my DW and a caregiver coming in. Her biggest urge in life has been to be helpful. When I tell her how much she’s helping me by having this person come 3 days a week, it works every time. What’s a good angle on the story you could tell your DH?Big hug and good luck!
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Thanks Cindy Bum! I have tried 2 caregivers and they both were young and did not work out. My DH says he feels bad because I want to get away from him. I tell him it’s helps me and I so appreciate when he lets someone come in. He knows how I like to do different things outside of the home. He doesn’t think he needs anyone. I am seeing more decline and feeling he needs someone. He cannot remember instructions with feeding dog (who was just recently diagnosed with diabetis and requires insulin). So, many struggles for me.
I haven’t given up because it’s going to be a long winter and I need to get away. We had a furnace guy stop with his yearly inspection and DH always liked him. Now, jealous of any man. It doesn’t matter if they are 30-40 years younger. My DH is so confused thinks he was doing electrical work. I had to ask a question and DH was upset bc I did not include him. Says I am blocking him out of everything. A rough afternoon yesterday.
Thanks for your input. I will have to figure out some things for the caregiver to do while she is here. I keep on top of things so may be tough.
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@justbreathe2
I'm sorry. This behavior falls under the umbrella of shadowing to a degree. It doesn't sound that awful on paper but living it is really difficult.
In your shoes, I would schedule respite so you have it to look forward to for your own mental health. You can create a fiblet of doing something he dislikes or that doesn't apply to him— mom used the gynecologist appointment ruse successfully.
In bringing in a caregiver, don't make it about him. The diabetic dog is a logical fiblet— the young caregiver is there to check on the dog per the vet's orders. The CG doesn't even really have to engage DH, just keep an eye on him.
HB4 -
I am new at posting. I have read your comments and find myself very much in the same situation. My DH has an appointment next month for a diagnosis to take place. He is confused, irritable, depressed, and angry since he doesn’t understand what is happening to him. Neither do I. He certainly does want my attention constantly and feels I don’t appreciate what he is going thru. He is already changing into someone I don’t know. Not sure how to handle all these feelings in him or me. I do have the Book but haven’t found much help. Guess I’m just new at this. Lots to learn.
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Linb, I am sorry. Getting the diagnosis is difficult. My DH had so much anger at first before either one of us knew what was happening. It is so difficult. His attention smothers me some days and realize I need to get away. Hope you can get some answers soon and have some support.
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yes, there is lots to learn. Be patient with yourself and him. He is anxious because he’s confused and afraid. I found that reassuring my DH that I would be with him every step of the way helped his anxiety. I stopped talking to him about the disease. It only made him more anxious. There are dementia caregiving videos online that will give you pointers as the disease progresses. Look for ones by Teepa Snow or Tam Cummings. 2 rules I learned here: 1) don’t argue with someone with dementia and 2) you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Let him shadow you if it makes him less anxious. I would get up early to do things before my DH woke up and I would do things after he went to sleep so I could focus on him during the day. You can also try distraction and redirecting. If you haven’t done so, get your legal affairs in order. You will need a DpOA and Medical POA and HIPPA forms for each doctor. You will get more replies if you create a new post with a subject line. Click on the plus sign at the bottom of the page to create new posts. We understand how you feel. 💜
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thank you for responding. It helps to connect with those who understand.
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Thank you. I will check out the videos and have written the 2 rules down. It’s a beginnjng
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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