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Call me Gram · November 7

We don't have an "official" diagnosis yet, but after two years of doctor visits, medical tests, and eventually specialists, it appears likely that my DH is in the early stages of Vascular Dementia. I feel blessed that he currently acknowledges that something is wrong, but I can see his acceptance beginning to wane as the disease progresses.

I am feeling overwhelmed in the face of all that I need to learn and do. I want to talk with my DH about a DPOA, Medical POA, etc, but I also don't want to upset him. I am faced with contradicting advice… Don't remind him he has dementia, but get a POA. Don't argue with him, but do what you need to get your matters in order.

How do I get a DPOA, a Medical POA, etc, while also avoiding upsetting him? How do I find a trustworthy elder-care attorney?

These are only a couple of my many questions, but I have no doubt that there is a lot of support and wisdom to be found in this group. I have ordered a copy of The 36-Hour Day and it should arrive in a week. Perhaps it will have some answers for me as well.

Thank you, in advance, for your advice!

Rick4407 · November 7

One of the skills you will learn is to deceive your husband when necessary. I talked abut the DPOA issues ahead of time and presented them as each of us getting a DPOA for the other. Then when the time came we just did the one for her. The lawyer was aware of the situation, and we both signed things, but just the one DPOA and medical POA. We updated wills and revised our trust as well so lots of legal papers and conversation. Sorry you have to be here, it's a long and sad road. Rick

Chris20cm · November 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74550/caregiving-rookie

NAELA is a good source for finding elder law attorneys near you. You are wise to begin gathering information and input now. Dr Natali Edmonds has some excellent tips online and in her talks.

H1235 · November 7

Welcome. I agree with Rick. Present it as just something you need to do now that you’re getting older. I would not mention the dementia. You should also keep in mind that he is not going to be able to make decisions for you if something were to happen to you (car accident, stroke…). It would probably be a good idea to have a DPOA and medical poa done for yourself appointing someone other than him. I agree that learning all you can about dementia can make all the difference.

annie51 · November 8

Good advice here about how to get this done. It’s important to get the DPOA and medical POA while he can still sign it. If you wait until he’s too incapacitated then you may not be able to get it done very easily. I just told my DH we were updating our estate documents. I also made sure to add an alternate to his DPOA in case anything happened to me. And definitely follow @H1235 advice about getting yours done, naming someone other than him. Once this is done, you’ll have a sense of relief!

wose · November 8

I found my fantastic CELA (certified elder law attorney) on nelf.org……..try for a CELA if you can, they are very knowledgeable in regards to our situation. I had to learn how to fib to my DH. It’s hard but so necessary. We both went together and had “ our documents” updated so nobody could mess with our house or money. That seemed to work. The CELA was great and knew how to handle everything. Unfortunately, that was the easy part. All I can say is knowledge is power. No question is too dumb and we all learn from each other on this harrowing journey. Go easy on yourself and lean on us here💜

SDianeL · November 8

welcome. Sorry for the reason you are here. As others have said get your legal affairs in order. Within 6 months of doing that my DH could no longer understand documents or sign his name. Don’t delay. There is no way to predict how the disease will progress. There are great dementia caregiving videos online by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. You can search for them. Come here often for info and support. 💜

Call me Gram · November 8

Thank you, everyone, for your advice and support. Your suggestions are very helpful!

Call me Gram · November 8

My copy of The 36-Hour Day came early! Woohoo! I will be cramming like I'm in college for the next 48 hours! 🙂 📖

Karen711 · November 9

Hi Gram- sorry to hear your news but you’ve found a very knowledgeable and supportive group here. All excellent advice above. It seems like it goes without saying but I’d like to underscore what Rick4407 mentions which is to talk with your attorney separately FIRST and apprise them of your situation and map out a plan with them- before you and you DH meet with them to sign papers.
Keep us posted!

Hugs to you,

Karen

howhale · November 9

Sorry that you find yourself here with us but such a great group of people with much to offer to help. The one thing I would share about your question and situation from my experience is to ask your doctor for a note with their present diagnosis. If you already have documents in place (POA, Will, etc.), that diagnosis may enable you to make changes, even without your loved one's involvement because the POA addresses when he/she is incapacitated. That was our situation. I never mentioned the condition to my wife, found a trusted and knowledgeable attorney, got the note from the doctor and then made all the changes necessary.

H1235 · November 9

I’ve attached a few of the resources commonly shared here.

Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts (2).pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/295/anosognosia

https://www.alzinfo.org/understand-alzheimers/clinical-stages-of-alzheimers/

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/17/well/anticipatory-grief.html

Call me Gram · November 19

Hello, all! Your advice was spot on… thank you!! We've updated our old will and now have a DPOA, POA, and living will. I still have a lot to learn and am grateful I have found this platform to learn from your wisdom and experiences.

howhale · November 19

As you navigate your way forward, reach out here and someone will always be there to offer help, counsel, guidance and support. It is not an easy path, but necessary for you both, and wishing you the best as you move forward.

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