Significant other confusion

Color Blue · November 9

My DH thinks that I have a twin. I am the only one with him but he is always asking where the other person is. Has anyone else experienced this with their significant other?

charley0419 · November 9

it’s amazing all the different circumstances people have , this illness is a nitmare and sucks

cdgbdr · November 10

Yes. We went through a time when he thought there was more than one of me. It confused him but to him it was real. That was one of the things, along with forgetting we were married that really made me know things were progressing. Since then, he has moved to memory care.

Vitruvius · November 10

Having your spouse not recognizing you is pretty common. My DW is now near the very end of her journey, Stage 7f, but she went through a long phase of not recognizing me and thinking I was one of my brothers (in reality I have no brothers), or thinking I was some other nonexistent male relative. Oddly for a while she thought me and my nonexistent brothers all had the same name! (Cue up the Bob Newhart show: “this is my brother Daryl and my other brother Daryl”).

In addition I stopped wearing my wedding ring. I had to take it off shorty after DW stopped recognizing me as her husband, although she accepted me as some she was comfortable having around. Early on one day she noticed my wedding ring and became somewhat puzzled by it. She wanted to know who I was married to and since I was married to someone else why was I with her. I dodged the discussion somehow and decided it would be better to just take it off and avoid any consternation on her part. She still occasionally asked me if I had a girlfriend and I always said yes it’s you. She smiled and took that as a joke.

SiberianIris · November 10

My mother began to think the in person version of me was different from the telephone version of me. Sometimes she would think I was her sister, which is not too far fetched because we have the same name and looked similar. She would also ask me if she had more than 3 children. She has 6 grandchildren who are all grown with children themselves. People with dementia can think of themselves as being younger than they are, so when they see their children, who are now middle-aged it throws them off. In their mind, their children should still look like teenagers. Rachel Wonderlin calls this "Timeline Confusion" - video attached:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8uIiLKUp_o

Kat63 · November 10

Yes went through this phase with my DH. He would ask where I was by name. I would say I am right here. He would say I know but where is the other one. I think he was looking for a younger version of me. He no longer says he’s looking for me and rarely uses names at all. Just knows I am the person caring for him. We are now in early stage 7.

SDianeL · November 10

Yes, it’s very common. My husband thought my daughter was me. He knew I was someone he loved and who loved him though. Best thing to do I agree with him and redirect or distract.

SpokaneTom · November 10

I've just registered for this board. My wife (65) has Alzheimer's and I guess is probably in stage four. I'm replying to this thread because for the past month, she has been forgetting who I am (I'm 67). Two months ago I'd see it happen for perhaps an hour or so, but not very frequently. A month ago it lasted for a day and a half. It was horrible. I thought my marriage was over because she was rejecting me as her husband. But she flipped back to normal and it was another two weeks before it happened again. When it did, it lasted a day and a half again. I was better prepared for it this time. I was calm and tried to keep her relaxed and tried to avoid the discussion that would "set her off" again. Eventually she snapped out of it again. This past week it's pretty much happened every day. When she does this, she doesn't know who I am. She tells me that there's lots of guys coming into our house telling her they're her husband, this is our house, etc. I of course tried to tell her they're all me, but that doesn't wash with her. She wants me to "take her home" but we are home. She recognizes that this is our house, but I think with me in it she doesn't want to be here. This last time it has lasted nearly three days. Today she was crying most of the day asking why this was happening to her. And of course I have no answer to that. Oddly enough she never forgets who our kids are. She's talked to all three of them, as well as a very close friend of hers, but none of them can really get her to acknowledge who I am. This evening I fixed dinner for two of my kids that live in town and sometime after dinner as we were all talking, she flipped back to normal again. I go from sleeping in the guest room to (tonight) sleeping in bed with her. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. When she's normal, she tells me she loves me - that's how I know. Because when she's not, she definitely wouldn't say that.

I guess it's some type of comfort to know that this happens to others. For you that have had similar situations, what advice/suggestions do you have? I feel hopeless and helpless.

Bailey's Mom · November 10

My husband has been saying for a few weeks that there are two 'girls' who live here…the other one does laundry, vacuums and cleans his bathroom. He also thinks that a group of other people live in the house sometimes and always wants to know if they are staying for dinner, asks me if we are married and if I have ever been married before, etc. The first time it was a total shock and heartbreaking, but now I have accepted it as just another phase of this disease. He has been less angry and a bit nicer to me since then, I think because he doesn't really know if it is me (wife of 56 years), or someone else who won't put up with any verbal abuse. It is a lonely, sad existence for sure. I never know if I should agree and just say that they have gone and won't be staying for dinner or if I should say that we are the only two people who live in the house…

sandwichone123 · 2:41AM

@SpokaneTom it's just a matter of surviving it. Don't explain or argue—when she thinks you're not you, just go with that. You're still someone that cares for her and sticks around. There's a lot to be said for not asking—when her brain doesn't recognize you there's nothing you can do about it, but asking her or trying to convince her that you are you is just going to hurt.

As for going home, rather than addressing where home is, it can be helpful to be curious—if you were home, what would you be doing? Who would be there? Maybe we can go tomorrow, or next week, or after the plumbers get finished there. Once you find a story that works, stick with it.

SDianeL · 4:40AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/258127#Comment_258127

welcome. Sorry for the reason you are here. You will get more replies if you create a new post. It’s very common for them to forget spouses. Best thing is to not argue or try to reason with her. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Scroll up a few messages and you will see a video that you can watch that explains the behavior. It’s called “Timeline Confusion” also read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. I would introduce myself to my DH often during the day and let him know I was his wife. That’s what anyone interacting with a PWD should do. The reason your DW’s memory comes and goes was explained to me that it’s like a short in an electric wire that connects sometimes and shorts out other times. No way to know when it will happen. Wanting to go home is caused by anxiety. To the person with dementia home is a feeling not a place. Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety medication if she’s not already taking something.

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