How did you decide who lives with who?

rwood5093ood · November 12

Looking for tips on what should be considered when deciding to move a loved one in with you, or if you should move in with them.

We have a list of pros, cons and costs for each. but we keep flip flopping on what is "best".

For example, if she moves in with us, she will have 2 small rooms. we will need to remodel the bathroom for her. she will need a wheelchair ramp. she is really attached to her 'stuff' and wont have much room. But it will be a little easier for us. we live in the country with few resources. we would also need to buy a new bed for her, as her current furniture wont fit. we also assume we will need to "baby proof" our house to a certain extent as far as important stuff.

If we move in with her, we're close to amenities (church, emergency services, friends, stores) and it's less change for her. This option affects us more than her, as we have animals at home and would need to figure out that. plus our house would be empty most of the time. She has a cluttery house, and we'd need to downsize her beloved pool table (that she doesn't use, but is very attached to it). we wouldn't really need any remodeling or new stuff, except maybe a new mattress for us. I need a place to work, till it becomes too much to work and be a care giver.

we have the DPOA, so we could just sell her house, but we dont think it would be a good idea any any time soon. she's way too attached to her stuff, so for the time being we will take the 'easy route' and maintain two households, till we cant anymore, or till she becomes a little less attached.

What things did you consider when figuring out who moves in with who?

SDianeL · November 13

I didn’t have to make that decision but due to the progression she will need 24/7 care. Can you easily get that in your country home? When caring for her requires 24/7 care, you will have to hire caregivers or place her in memory care. It’s extremely difficult for one person to care for a PWD in later stages. Whatever you decide, also have a Plan B.

H1235 · November 13

My mom is also very attached to her stuff, it’s hard. When she lived with my brother not far from her house she always wanted to go to her house so she could do something. She has anosognosia and believed she could still mow the lawn, power wash the swing…. It was a constant battle. Mom is in a nursing home now and while she still talks about her stuff occasionally she is not bugging me to bring her to her house so she can pull weeds in the garden and crazy things like that, like she did when she was just a few blocks from her house. I think its a bit of out of site out of mind. If your mom is determined and independent like mine, this might be a consideration. If you need to make changes to her home to make it more comfortable for you and your husband, how will she take it? Will she be angry and mad? You will probably need to dementia proof her home as well. I agree with sdianel that a plan B is important regardless of what you decide. Some memory care facilities can have a waiting list. I also agree that you should consider the availability of in home aides in the location you choose. You may want to see a lawyer before selling the house. There are so many things to consider. Make the decision you think is best and if it doesn’t work, reevaluate and don’t beat yourself up.

Victoriaredux · November 13

You don't know how her disease will progress - if she'll have behavioral issues , earlier than normal immobility, be unsafe to be in a setting with a lot of stuff and animals.

She'll need 24/7 oversight at some point in a safe setting where she can't start a fire, wander, mix up items that could hurt others etc. She may never become unattached to things - even memories of things she herself got rid of 30 years ago.

If you haven't seen an elder law attorney do so- to discuss medicaid options , how the existing DPOA is structured, health care issues etc. The beds and pool table can sort themselves out in time but the care is the big ticket money item .

How does your partner/spouse feel about this- could go on for years and years. Did you have "when we retire" dreams that you are ignoring by taking this on ? Your relationship and your health matter very much in this too.

The Alz Assoc has social workers you can talk to at no charge to discuss options and feelings while you make family plans . They may be able to help sort out the issues for you.

"Get Help and Support, Day or Night (800.272.3900)

The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give us a call and we'll guide you from there."

Sending good thoughts.

PhoenixGeeg · November 13

I'd strongly suggest you look at the finances of all your options. This can be a really expensive disease, and protecting assets is a thing. If the two houses are close, think about renting or airbnbing one (and also potentially finding someone to manage it for you). If you want to sell the house…real estate is constantly going up. The longer you can wait, the better.

And being married is SO nice as you have a partner, but you HAVE to build in ways of putting your marriage first and preserving it. If she's living with you, figure out how you BOTH get time off, and together.

Sending blessings.

How did you decide who lives with who?

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