endgame

Waldo · November 17

How and how often would one tell one's spouse who feels awful all the time and who has no short term memory that the likelihood of her ever feeling better is probably nil, and that she is likely facing years of decline?

Lorita · November 17

Never.

Vitruvius · November 17

The answer of course is you would tell her ZERO times, ABSOLUTELY NEVER.

I am hoping this is just meant as a provocative question just to start some dialogue.

Because here at Dementia Fight Club we never try to confront out LO with the soul crushing reality of their awful fate. We try to do everything to make their final days as meaningful as possible. If they feel awful about what’s happening to them, then to at least distract them, get them medication to ease their suffering, and to keep them safe.

Quilting brings calm · November 17

why would you want to do this repeatedly. It’s creating drama and serves no purpose. She can’t understand it, can’t process it and won’t remember it. This is when a fiblet is needed.

Metta · November 17

I tell DH that he is “getting stronger everyday” and when we measure his arm for weight loss because he can’t stand on a scale to weigh him, I tell him that he has such big muscles that we are trying to see how much his biceps have increased. He grins from ear to ear and feels so good.

That said, during particularly lucid, quiet moments, I have hugged and kissed him and told him that I will care for him until the end, that he will be home safe with me as long as I am able to care for him, and he has kissed my hand and told me that he loves me.

tonyac2 · November 17

I never bring up my DH decline, I love him too much to do something so painful. I love what @Metta said, essentially build up, don’t tear down.

GothicGremlin · November 17

I'm with the others - never bring this up.

jfkoc · November 17

"0" times

terei · November 17

The answer is to tell her whatever comforts her. ‘ I’m sure you will feel better soon. ‘. If she asks what’s wrong, say that she is just having normal memory/aging issues…’nothing to worry about’.

Trying to explain ANYTHING to a PWD is not going to be productive. Learn to say whatever soothes your LO

clenno · November 17

So, when my mother notices that she's declining (forgetting words, having difficulty physically or mentally) I usually find some topic to distract her until she's off the topic. With my husband it's different. He will comment on how bad his memory is and how his ALZ is really affecting his memories. So with him I just agree and tell him I will remember for both of us. It's a moving target for PWD. The comments above are spot on with respect to not being the one to initiate a conversation about their condition but if they bring it up you kind of need to read them to see where they are and respond in whatever way will ease their mind in the moment. Oh, and what works today may not work tomorrow but will again another day so developing different responses is always useful. At least that's been my experience.

SDianeL · November 18

Welcome. Learn all you can about the disease. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. I never told my husband he had dementia. I just said you’re getting older then reassured him that I loved him and would be there for him always. If your wife is depressed or anxious I would talk to her doctor about medications to help her. Many people with dementia pick up on your feelings. Try to stay positive around her even though you may be crying on the inside.

howhale · November 18

Never, you only tell them what helps them "feel" better emotionally. Caregivers must become great "liars" for their loved one. It must be all about helping them and using fibs are often the most frequent thing we do.

endgame

Comments

Never.

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories