How To Find Purpose Again?

I am in the same boat. I feel rudderless. I gave up my career to care for my DW. I can no longer go back to my career. What do I do with the time I have left? My DW also died in August and the early days were filled with many tasks which kept me occupied but now I sit with no direction or desire to move forward.

it’s been 18 months and I feel the same. I force myself to do things. Someone mentioned the Grief Share Organization that has online and in person support groups. The in person groups are usually at churches. I’m going to go to a in person one after the holidays. I made a list of ways that I can honor my husband’s memory and am doing them one at a time. That helps. The link for Grief Share is below. Sometimes just talking to someone who understands helps. Like this group. Thanks for listening. Hugs. 💜 https://www.griefshare.org

My husband died 10 months ago. It was very hard to motivate myself to do anything the first six months or so, despite having a number of things that had to be done (my mother's out-of-state funeral, dealing with my attorney regarding his daughters' demands on the estate, disposing of belongings in order to move to an apartment, and actually moving). When the dust settled, and I did almost nothing but rest for a month, I began to fill my schedule, a little too full, to be honest. I've had to cut back because I just don't have the energy I used to have. (Grief will do that to you.)

One thing that I had all along was my volunteer work. I've made baby quilts for charity (Project Linus) for years. After Roger died, I was able to return to working at our collection and distribution center two days a week. This has become my purpose and fills a fair amount of my time. Many of the volunteers are widows, and all have been a great support.

Like you, I hate TV (especially the noise) and love to read real books. But the eyes can take only so much reading in a day. So I end up going to bed ridiculously early most evenings.

A man I know was widowed almost three years ago. He retired from his teaching position at a university last year. He fills his time a number of ways. He volunteers with his local Friends of the Library one day a week. He has become rather active in his church, including presenting at their bereavement ministry meetings and being a behind-the-scenes set-up guy for various events at the church. He joined a group called ROMEOs (Retired Old Men Eating Out), and they meet at various restaurants once a month and eat out and enjoy each other's company. He is a Vietnam veteran and attends local functions in the veterans community. He also joined the local Y and works out a few days a week (at the age of 78!)

When my father and brother each retired, they started volunteering with Habitat for Humanity. They (and similar organizations) welcome volunteers who know their way around power tools and aren't afraid to get their hands dirty. My mother volunteered at a charity thrift store, and prior to that was a volunteer museum docent.

I guess I'm just tossing out ideas. Is there any area where you have expertise that you might like to share with others? New areas of interest you might like to explore? Taking the first step is the hardest, but you just might find something you like to do that will fill up your time a little and give you something to look forward to.

My husband was a veteran so my list includes those things. Other non military things: I donated money to the Alzheimer’s Association on his birthday and anniversary of his death. I visit the cemetery on his birthday and anniversary of his death. I call his daughter often and check on her (she’s my step daughter). I go to his favorite restaurant which was the last time we went out to eat. It’s a BBQ place with service members pictures on the wall and his picture is over our booth we always sat in. Eat a piece of his favorite pie or cake. I called his friend to check on him and found out he has pancreatic cancer. I offered to help him. I started writing about our story after his diagnosis. I’m also writing about our RV travels. If your LO loved animals, donate to animal shelters or volunteer in their memory. Due to my cancer diagnosis I’m not able to volunteer. As you know I come here to try to help others going through this. I would like to find a dementia caregiver support group and join it to try to help others but I haven’t been able to start searching for one yet. I gave his daughter and grandchildren things of his that meant something to each of them. I’m planning a trip with his daughter to where he was born. She’s never been there. I would start by making a list of what your LO liked or felt was important and that may help you start your list. Hope you have a Blessed Thanksgiving. My hearts not in it but I’m going to help my daughter make dinner. And I will eat a piece of pecan pie for my Lonny. 💜

@howhale about keeping your wife's memory alive and honoring her …

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but after my sister passed away from AD/FTD, I decided I'd write a blog about it in the hopes of keeping Peggy's memory alive, but also to help others who are just beginning this journey. One thing that always pops up on this site is that very few recognize the Mild Cognitive Impairment stage - the stage where you can make plans. I was in that same boat. We didn't catch Peggy's illness until she was stage 4, so I wanted to describe what happened to Peggy during her MCI stage, so that maybe people will recognize some of those behaviors in their loved one and start asking questions.

For the blog, I always kept notes, journals, doctor notes, emails, etc., and I compiled them all into a chronology, including my 20/20 hindsight on MCI. Then I started writing posts, including one called "the before times" to show what Peggy was like before AD/FTD came into her life. She was a full, independent, talented person, and I do want people to know that. The writing part is finished, and now I'm editing, but I've got about 20 posts completely done.

It took quite awhile to get it all written, but what I found was that the process of writing things down made some things clearer in my mind, and it also gave me some peace. The pain is still there, of course, but manageable now.

I read your post and I too, do laundry and clean the house…The quiet time alone is the worst