‘Me Time’ Confusion

Dear Biggles.

I am not as far into this awful journey as you, so have no experience to offer. Only to say ‘go with your instincts’. It sounds like one of the Carers you are comfortable with. Are these persons through an agency? Perhaps you can speak with a supervisor and see if they have someone that might better suit your needs. I would expect the supervisor has dealt with others who have a more specific Carer in mind - such as a male for a male patient, or language specifications.

I hope you can find a suitable helper so you have an opportunity to re-charge. We all need that ‘me time’.

Take care. Hugs!💝

if you do not want to leave for the two hours, is there a project or task you could work on together with the carer? Prep meals maybe? It’s good to hear you will be getting some help for the house maintenance. A different carer might be needed for your situation .

It's OK to feel what you feel even if your feelings aren't the same as others.

I don't presume to know your lived experience, but sometimes when a person can't find any pleasure in a couple of hours devoted to your own needs, there could be depression in play. Given that emotional intelligence remains well into the late stages of dementia, addressing that would be beneficial to you both.

My own mom became very depressed over the course of dad's dementia. Bearing witness to his decline and the loss of the adventures they enjoyed together left her feeling hopeless to a point that she neglected her own health needs. A few months after he died, she was in the hospital with a COPD and BP exacerbation because she wasn't attending to her own health. A month after that she lost the vision in one eye as a result. As a consequence, she no longer drives and is not having the stage 8 she deserved. And, frankly, I'm not either.

We went through a couple of caregivers before we found one that was a good fit. It may be different given that in this country such caregivers are typically private pay giving the "buyer" considerable choice even with an agency. Dad bristled at the bossy middle-aged carers and the lovely recent immigrants whose accents were beyond his understanding. But we happened on an adorable 30-ish woman who looked like a younger version of mom and whose quiet ladylike demeanor had him turn on the charm. Most visits, they just sat in the living room while he told her stories which was perfect for him.

HB

I feel the same way. I don’t want people coming into my home. I am a very private person and my space is my space. I don’t get much respite time but having someone come into my home isn’t for me. I don’t know how I will handle it if my DH’s care is more than I can handle.

I am also an incredibly private person and hoped I would not need help. But alas, my DW can be a real challenge and with her sundowners and shadowing, I couldn’t get a dang thing done. So, I bit the bullet and now don’t know what I’d do without help.

I am one of the few lucky ones — her sister decided she’d come once every couple of months so I could meet friends somewhere else. And, I found a caregiver to come in and cook/clean a couple of days a week. I’m much less stressed and depressed now. I had a weekend away last weekend and realized for the first time that I’ll be ok after my DW passes. I’ll be heartbroken, but I’ll find my way. That’s a big one for me. I’ve been in such painful grief and denial, making it to that realization was a surprise, as I wasn’t working for it.

I think those of you who do this without respite are miraculous people. Saints who walk among us.